Blown Again (But Not in a Good Way)

So, I'd been talking to this girl for some weeks now, in a desperate attempt to quell my status as a "loner." I've known this chick since I was in grade school, which is right about the time I first began to admire the female form. Of course, she didn't have much "form" to speak of back then, but I admired it anyway. I'm easy to please that way.

Anyway, she kept suggesting that we "get together" soon and "have coffee." This made me nervous, because all men know the TRUE definition of what it means when a woman says that. What she's actually saying is;

"Let's meet in a public place, so I can carefully look you over and decide whether or not I'll let you have sex with me."

But I made a big mistake... I got drunk one night and called her on the phone. Don't ask me what we talked about, because... um... I don't remember. I'm sure that I thought I was being witty and charming at the time, when in reality I was slurring my words and acting like a dick with ears. Strangely enough, I haven't talked to her since. Oh sure, I've called her... and she usually calls me right back... but not this time. Damn booze. Looks like I might have blown that one--and she was into me up until that point. The moral?

Bottle of vodka+Telephone call to woman=DISASTER.

Oh well. Here's some recent hate mail that I received on my first "Assholes" column;(http://deansplanet.com/jeremy_the_loner-assholes.html)

From: "Bonhomme" <bonhomian@earthlink.net>
To: goodnight_tonight@yahoo.com
Subject: jeremy the loner plays with his boner
Date: Mon, 18 Jul 2005 18:32:06 -0400

guess what, jeremy? the people you're criticizing who live in so-called third world countries have a right to bear children just like anyone else, as biologically dictates that life must go on, no matter what the conditions are. unfortunately for them, they're not privileged enough to have been born caucasian and living in a developed western country (where higher living standards are enjoyed by keeping other peoples' living standards down) and your bearded friend is far from doing these people a service. he is in fact, part of the problem.

if you consult history without the manifest-destiny-cowboy-with-the-white-hat-anglo-male-to-the-rescue approach, you will know that these countries are in the condition they are in largely due to western imperialism and colonialism (which we know used sophisticated ballistics technology (the essence of which acquired from the chinese) and well-orchestrated divide-and-conquer techniques to exploit tribal divisions). i will go far as saying that the west has a vested interest in keeping such countries underdeveloped as multinational corporations continue to depend on them for cheap labor. contrary to what is said about africa being a "poor" continent, it is indeed very rich in mineral resources and low-cost labor. and the well-monied cartels who make your world go 'round know this (check your gap sweater label that reads, "made in indonesia").

the charity organizations you speak of which usually advocate 'giving a man a fish' are there purely to prolong the illusion that something is being done to fix global poverty. this is designed to help alleviate western guilt, maintain africa's dependency on western intervention, and to distract you from business-as-usual mass exploitation, courtesy of greedy corporations and corrupt leadership present in many of these countries.

it's too bad your daddy didn't wear a condom the day you jizzed out of his busted nut. then i wouldn't have to read such arrogant-whiteboy-with-a-god-complex trash on the web. and then you have the nerve to actually wonder why more of the darker countries of the world are becoming hotbeds for terrorism. it's because people like you hardly acknowledge, must less respect anyone not of your ilk. - bonhomme

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
He's right about one thing, though, because it really is too bad my daddy didn't wear a condom the day he conceived me. I'm sure daddy would be the first to agree with that. ("Pregnant?? But honey, I thought you said you were on the pill!!")

I admit that my response wasn't overly clever (as I was in a good mood that day), but you know that I HAD to respond;

Heh, that was cute.

You bring up some valid issues, but I think you missed the point. Yeah, the bearded guy IS part of theproblem and yes, he IS also part of the "Western guilt" complex. However, just because people have a "right" to bear children doesn't mean they should. That goes for African nations as well as the good ol' USA. Why would you want to bring a child into extreme poverty, especially when you, yourself have nothing to eat? Because "life must go on?" Excuse me, but that's bullshit. It's also irresponsible and cruel. I would never even dream of bringing a child into the world only to watch it suffer and die--especially if I did it because "life must go on." Puh-leeze. What, pray tell, kind of life is that?

Still, thanks for the angry letter. I haven't gotten one in a while. In the future, though, if you want me to take your criticism seriously, you might not want to entitle your e-mail "jeremy the loner plays with his boner." While true, it has nothing to do with anything.

Oh, and one more thing--it's called a "shift" key. Check into it.

Best,
-JTL

Anyway, this is my blog. I hate blogs, and I usually hate people who HAVE blogs... but since I hate myself too, I guess it's okay.