Dammit...

I am so sick and tired of hearing about Gwenyth Paltrow and her stupid child, Apple. So she had a baby... big fucking deal. Anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, can have a baby--even me. What, you don't believe me? Bring your mom over sometime, and I'll knock her up for you while your dad watches. I saw a blurb on AOL News the other day about how Paltrow wants to direct a film or some shit, and she plans on having little Apple on the set. What important news that was, eh? I'm sure they broke into live programming on CNN to report this world-changing information.

Now, I ask you, why the fuck is the entertainment media fixated on this brat? Because it's Gwenyth Paltrow's kid, or because she named it "Apple?" AM I THE ONLY PERSON IN AMERICA WHO PLAIN DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK???

But God, think about that for a minute. "Apple." As if junior high school didn't suck bad enough already. Imagine being named after a fucking piece of fruit. It wasn't even any fun being named "Jeremy," because I had to deal with people mispronouncing it as "Germy." Get it? They were implying that I was covered with germs! HAR HAR HAR. They made fun of my last name, too, which is "Wright." All kinds of people thought they were being witty when they called me "Germy Wrong" or "Jeremy Left." Sometimes, they'd sing that old Three Dog Night song to me. You know which one I'm talking about;

"Jeremiah was a bullfrog!
Was a good friend of mine!"

Those fuckers just about killed me with their wit. And don't even get me started on the assholes that liked to sing the Pearl Jam song...

Still, at least I can take solace in the fact that my parents weren't moronic celebrities that named me Apple. It wouldn't have made sense to name me that, anyway--I think "Pear" would be a more appropriate name for me. Or maybe "Peaches."

"Avacado?"

Fuck it, I need to get ready for work.