Jeezus Pleezus

Just in case there was any lingering doubt as to whether or not I know anything about women--and I don't--get a load of this e-mail I received from a certain female friend of mine, who wanted to get together with me this past weekend;

I DID want to see you, now that I think about it, it would have been wrong. I just wanted to make out and now that has passed. I would feel guilty about just using you for that.

I'll let the men out there take a few moments and let that sink in... she doesn't want to "use" me, you see. That just wouldn't be right, would it? No, please, not that. Anything but that. Because as we all know, any man would be DEEPLY offended if some woman wanted to be with him for the sole purpose of getting her rocks off. Let me tell you, I am just seething with indignation right now.

You know, for the past three years I've been involved with an "older woman" in an off-again, on-again series of... um... encounters. How old is she? Well, let me put it this way--she's old enough that my mother would have a coronary if she had ANY idea this was going on. She'd be like "You're just a kid! What could a woman that age possibly want in a... a... KID???" That's the amusing thing about mothers; you could live to be 112 years old, but you'll always be "just a kid" to them.

Anyway, this woman calls me from time to time, and when she DOES call, we both know damn well what the reason is. Many is the night that I've been awaken at 1:30am by the telephone ringing in my ear, with her on the line telling me "I'm just lying here in bed right now, thinking about you. Why don't you come over?" Now, it doesn't take a genius to figure out this is nothing more than a booty call. And rest assured, within three minutes I'm pulling on a pair of socks, combing my hair and brushing my teeth, all at the same time. Hell yeah, mofos, I'm ready to rock.

I must say, the two of us have a wonderful arrangement worked out. There are no discussions about whether or not the other person is seeing anybody else. There are no long, uncomfortable conversations in which we ruminate about the nature of our relationship, pondering the greater significance of it all. As soon as I walk in the door, she grabs me by the collar and pulls me down on the couch with her. Conversation is kept to a bare minimum, and as long as my hands are all over her, she's prefectly happy. Is she using me? Of course she is! She wants me around for one reason, and one reason only--pure carnality. But therein lies the fundamental difference between men and women--see, women get offended when you treat them like pieces of meat, but me, I like it. I like it a whole lot. I only wish it happened more often. Like every hour on the hour. At the very least, it would help me cure my horrible self-esteem problem.

So please, use me, abuse me... just be gentle, okay?

Did I mention that I know nothing about women??