Reading Through Some E-mail...

... and I come across this. I've been getting some weird e-mail lately. Some of you people are fucking odd, you know that?

From: mensa4@sbcglobal.net
To: goodnight_tonight@yahoo.com
Subject: CELEB DIRT

Do you have any good dirt on Shannen Doherty, Carmen Electra, Julianne Moore, and Katie Couric?

No, no, no and no. I'm not a tabloid writer, man. Wish I was, though... I hear they get paid. Hey, National Enquierer, you guys wanna hire me? I'll write about whatever the fuck you want me to write about. Hell, I'll even pretend to be interested in Lindsay Lohan's love life. And who goes around looking for "dirt" on Katie Couric, anyway? Is she secretly a naughty girl?

Oh man, I actually find that strangely arousing. Damn, I'm lonely.

Also, 50 Cent has a song called Ryder Music about how he as "done" half of Hollywood.

Sample:
Last year, I woke up, a good look, damn it feels good
On the low, I done fucked half of Hollywood
Had your favorite actress from your favorite shows
In my favorite position, you know how it goes

What a classy guy. I'm feelin' ya, my nigga!

In my Bentley bumpin' Prince shit
"This is When Thugs Cry"
This is what it sounds like when hollow tip slugs fly
Homie, this is somethin' you can ride and smoke to
Stay on point, cause *****s will ride and smoke you
Jealousy's for women, but some *****s is bitch made

Just to interject here, why did this guy find it necessary to block out the profanity? Was he worried that I might be offended or something? I like how he's coming to me for "dirt" when he's apparently never even read my fucking column. Anyway, back to the genius that is 50 Cent;

They make you wanna run across they're head with a switch blade
They point their finger at me, sayin' I'm bug
My flows crack you listen, your fuckin' brains on drugs
Look, ice drippin' on my neck, hands grippin' on the tec
Fool trippin' through the set, you can get ya ass whipped
Cards missin' out my deck, screws loose show respect
You try to come at me kid, your ass better come correct

For fuck's sake, how long is this stupid song??? I can actually feel myself getting dumber as I read through this drivel. Dammit, if my IQ drops any lower, I'll turn into a Clay Aiken fan...

Any idea who some of those women are?

Thanks

No, OF COURSE I don't know who any of these women are! I wish I did know, though, so I could smack them in the face for being dumb enough to fuck a moron like 50 Cent. Whatever possessed this guy to think I'd give two fucks about 50 Cent in the first place?? Listen, 50 Cent licks the sack. I can't believe I just posted some of his "lyrics" on my blog...

I fucking hate "hip hop." And if you like it, I fucking hate you, too.
Dammit, I need to punch somebody.