Harrassed By E-Harmony

Some months ago, I filled out one of those "free personality profiles" on eharmony.com. This is not an advertisement for that site. In fact, I never joined, nor do I ever have any intention of doing so. I just wanted to see what kind of "profile" they'd come up with for me. I thought it might be interesting for them to try and sugarcoat the essence of who I am--I mean, is there really any NICE way of saying "You're a self-loathing, insecure asshole who's fucked in the head, and nobody will ever want to be with you?" So, one night when I had nothing better to do, I sat down with a bottle of whiskey and answered lots and lots of personal questions about myself. It was extremely extensive, but once I got started, I just HAD to see it through--and besides, like I said, I had nothing better to do anyway. That's usually the case with me, as I have NO social life whatsoever.

Since that day, E-Harmony has been cyber stalking me, desperately trying to get me to join. They constantly send me "matches," despite the fact that I supposedly reached my "match limit" a good three months ago. Then, they send me the typical JOIN NOW! bullshit at least three times a week. They should take a fucking hint. I'm not joining. Not ever. I have better things to spend my limited income on. Like liquor. Frozen pizzas. And Pop Tarts, of course.

I'm not saying anything bad against Internet personals in general. I think it's a good way to meet people, as long as you're not a complete loser like I am. I would just feel bad for any poor woman who got set up on a date with me. I can just imagine her pained, fake smile as she shakes my hand and thinks "So THIS is the guy who's supposedly a good 'match' for me?? I'm cancelling that fucking membership the second I get home. Now, I need to figure out a way to ditch this dipshit." See, I wouldn't want to put anyone through that. Why waste her time (and my own)?
At best, I'm an aquired taste. At worst, I'm a woman's "first date" nightmare.

Yeah, yeah, I know women hate the whole "woe is me" bullshit. They want confident men, but that's not me. I'm a realist.

So leave me the fuck alone, E-Harmony.

One a semi-related note, I finally heard back from that chick I called while drunk just over a month ago. She's acting like nothing's wrong, so maybe I didn't fuck it up after all. Or maybe I was so drunk, I called another chick by mistake. She says she still wants to see me and perhaps "have coffee" in the very near future. Believe it or not, I'm actually going to go. This chick already knows me and knows what I look like, so I don't need to worry about the "pained, fake smile" thing. But I won't be having any coffee, though. Only grown ups drink coffee.