I Fucking Love Cadbury Eggs
There are two types of people in this world--those who love Cadbury Eggs and those who despise them. Obviously, I fall into the former category.
Ahhh, such sweet bliss! Every year in the coming weeks before Easter, they begin appearing on store shelves, presumably put there by that Easter Bunny that clucks like a chicken. For those of you who don't know, Cadbury Eggs are chocolate, egg-shaped confections filled with a sugary glop that resembles the yolk and white of an egg. The mere mention of this product makes people like my friend Tanz pucker their faces in grimaces of disgust--as for me, I am filled with an evil, ravenous lust when I pass by them in the grocery store. I can see them almost beckoning to me as I pass by, tempting me to give into my unholy desire.
"Come on, big boy," they coo at me. "Buy us. You know you want to. What's a little diabetic coma between friends?"
"Fuck you!" I yell back at them, prompting curious stares from my fellow shoppers. "I don't need you!"
But I'm just kidding myself. More often than not, at least a dozen of them end up in my cart, right next to the beer and the peanuts. And then, later on, I eat the damn things, my teeth literally aching from the several pounds of sugar found within. I am a stupid, stupid man.
I wish I was more like my brother. He chows down on the eggs every single Easter without so much as a pang of guilt. But then again, the guy's been married for almost 13 years, so what the fuck does he care about the ill effects of his actions? I'll tell you something about him; he doesn't fuck around and buy three or four of them at a time. Nope, he goes right to Sam's Club and buys a case of roughly 14,000 of them. Meanwhile, I go through an internal struggle between good and evil every time I go to the goddamn grocery store.
Not this year, though. I made a pact with myself not to buy a single egg. Now all I have to do is avoid grocery shopping for about, oh, I don't know.... three months.
"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."
Ahhh, such sweet bliss! Every year in the coming weeks before Easter, they begin appearing on store shelves, presumably put there by that Easter Bunny that clucks like a chicken. For those of you who don't know, Cadbury Eggs are chocolate, egg-shaped confections filled with a sugary glop that resembles the yolk and white of an egg. The mere mention of this product makes people like my friend Tanz pucker their faces in grimaces of disgust--as for me, I am filled with an evil, ravenous lust when I pass by them in the grocery store. I can see them almost beckoning to me as I pass by, tempting me to give into my unholy desire.
"Come on, big boy," they coo at me. "Buy us. You know you want to. What's a little diabetic coma between friends?"
"Fuck you!" I yell back at them, prompting curious stares from my fellow shoppers. "I don't need you!"
But I'm just kidding myself. More often than not, at least a dozen of them end up in my cart, right next to the beer and the peanuts. And then, later on, I eat the damn things, my teeth literally aching from the several pounds of sugar found within. I am a stupid, stupid man.
I wish I was more like my brother. He chows down on the eggs every single Easter without so much as a pang of guilt. But then again, the guy's been married for almost 13 years, so what the fuck does he care about the ill effects of his actions? I'll tell you something about him; he doesn't fuck around and buy three or four of them at a time. Nope, he goes right to Sam's Club and buys a case of roughly 14,000 of them. Meanwhile, I go through an internal struggle between good and evil every time I go to the goddamn grocery store.
Not this year, though. I made a pact with myself not to buy a single egg. Now all I have to do is avoid grocery shopping for about, oh, I don't know.... three months.
"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home