"Sorry, Wrong Number."

I have hundreds of phone numbers memorized, all floating around in my over-sized cranium. I still remember phone numbers that people gave me when I was in fifth grade, if you can believe that shit. The only trouble is, half the time I don't remember which number is for which person. One time I went to call a friend of mine to make plans for the karaoke bar that night, and I dialed one of my ex-girlfriends by mistake. THAT was a fun conversation, let me tell you. She was actually happy to hear from me, because we hadn't talked in over a year--even though we'd had the typical, "Let's still be friends" conversation when we broke up. Yeah, everybody says that, but nobody actually MEANS it, do they? She kept me on the phone a good half hour, babbling on about her new job, boyfriend, etc. As for me, I couldn't wait to get off the fucking phone. I kept wanting to throttle-punch myself in the nuts for dialing her number in the first place. I couldn't believe I thought her number was my friend Matt's number, but you know, they say alcohol kills brain cells. Sure, I could just buy a cheap phone book and write all of the phone numbers down, but what fun would that be?

So, last night (after eight beers) I decided to call my friend Ross. He's been on tour with his band for the last few months, but they're supposed to get back in town this month so I thought I'd drop him a line. But when I dialed what I thought was his number, some black chick answered, so I figured I'd fucked up. I couldn't see why a black chick would answer Ross' cell phone, unless he's dabbling in some "sweet brown sugar" these days...

Now, I could have said, "I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number." But that would have been mature, you see, and I NEVER go the mature route. So, the conversation went like this;

WOMAN: "Hello?"

JEREMY THE LONER: "Uh, hi, is John there?"

WOMAN: (Impatiently) "You have the wrong number."

JEREMY THE LONER: "Yeah, is Alan there?"

WOMAN: "Who is this???"

JEREMY THE LONER: "This is Roberto."

WOMAN: "Well, YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER!"

JEREMY THE LONER: "Oh, okay." (pause) "Is Frederico there?"

WOMAN: "Man, KISS MY ASS!" (click)

I never did get a hold of Ross. Maybe I DO need to buy a fucking phone book...