Special Bulletin!

I've been noticing that more and more "bulletins" being sent to me on MySpace are nothing more than chain letters. Now, if you're superstitious (and stupid) enough to actually believe that breaking a chain letter will bring you bad luck, you really should stick your head in a toilet and repeatedly flush it until you drown. Please, go right ahead. I'll wait.

Getting back to my point, I've seen this shit so many times; I'll click on a bulletin and it will say something like;

"U opened this!111 if u dont repost this in 5 min someone close to you will die in 3 days. If u do repost your crush will realise they love you tonite."

Needless to say, I've never reposted any of this mindless drivel that middle school kids send back and forth. Why shouldn't I tempt fate, anyway? I have no "crush" that I want to love me... besides, there aren't any people who are "close" to me, and I LIKE it that way.

I must say, though, some of the bulletins have been getting pretty damn funny as of late. Get a load of this one that I received just the other day, posted in all its glory with spelling errors left intact;

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
this is by FARRRRRRR the nastiest thing I have ever read...gross..uhhhhhh yuck ...scroll down plzz

(So, of course I scrolled down, knowing full well it was a chain letter...)

DONT STOP OR ELSE SUMTHIN BAD WILL HAPPEN .....

(I scrolled some more...)

KEEP GOIN.........

(At this point, I took a beer break. Putting up with other people's stupidity makes me thirsty.)

ALMOST THEIR..........................

("Almost their?" That doesn't even make any fucking sense. Oh wait, that's right. A fucking moron wrote this.)

MY NAME IS VANESSA VILLA
I AM 15 YEARS OLD
WITH MASSIVE LICE
AND A TIGHT PURPLE SWEATER.
I HAVE NO LEFT FOOT OR EARS.
I AM DEAD.
IF U DO NOT REPOST THIS IN THE NEXT 5 MIN.,
I WILL APPEAR TONIGHT BY YOUR BED
WITH A fING CAN OPENER AND WILL MAKE YOU HELP ME
THIS IS NO JOKE
SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO U TONIGHT AT 10:42. SOMEONE WILL CALL U
OR TALK TO U ON THE INTERNET
REPOST THIS WITH THE TITLE:
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I made the mistake of taking a drink just I got to the bottom, and I nearly choked on a mouthful of Labatt's, spraying foamy little droplets of beer all over the moniter. Holy shit, that's funny. I kept picturing some earless, one-footed, lice-headed dead bitch hovering over my bed in the middle of the night brandishing a can opener. I can just imagine the conversation that would ensue;

DEAD CHICK: "Yo-o-o-o-o-ou didn't repos-s-s-s-t the bu-u-u-ulletin..."

JEREMY THE LONER: "Holy fuck! Don't point that thing at me!"

DEAD CHICK: "What?"

JEREMY THE LONER: "Oh, that's right, you have no ears. Please stop hopping up and down on one foot... you'll wake the neighbors downstairs."

DEAD CHICK: "Yo-o-o-o-o-ou ha-a-a-a-ave to he-l-l-l-l-lp me-e-e-e-e-e..."

JEREMY THE LONER: "Help you do what? Find your missing ears? Put some medication on your head to help with your lice problem? I don't think the pharmacy is even open at this hour."

DEAD CHICK: "What?"

JEREMY THE LONER: "Never mind. Look, put the can opener down. Let's talk about this rationally."

DEAD CHICK: "I can't hear you."

JEREMY THE LONER: "Aw, get the fuck out of my..." (pause) "Hey, your tits look kind of hot in that tight sweater. I mean, for a dead chick and all."

I got another one that was almost as good as that a few weeks ago. I don't remember exactly how it went, but it was something like this;

WHOEVER WROTE THIS IS A FUCKEN ASSHOLE!

(Scroll down)

"GOD IS A PRICK WHO HAS A TINY DICK AND SUCKS REAL BAD. HALE SATAN CUZ SATAN RULES AND GOD IS STOOPID."

IF U DONT REPOST THIS IN 5 MIN U DONT LOVE GOD AND WILL GOTO HELL. IF U DO REPOST YOU WILL HAVE GOOD LUCK AT MIDNITE TONITE. THIS IS NO JOKE.

Now, you have to wonder what could possibly possess someone to repost something like this. I mean, what is the thought process involved?

"Hmmmmm... I think it's wrong to call God a prick, and it's certainly wrong to make fun of the size of God's genitals. I don't agree with this at all, so I guess I'LL SEND IT TO ALL OF THE PEOPLE ON MY FRIENDS LIST. This will PROVE to the entire Internet community that I'm a good Christian. Yessir, I bet God has a giant dick."

Funny, but I never even gave any thought to God's anatomical details, assuming God is a physical being of some sort. How do we even know what gender God is? Still, assuming God is a male, I think there are worse things to say about God than to imply that He has a small wanger. From a personal standpoint, it makes perfect sense to me, since God supposedly made me in His own image. If I'm not hung like a mule, it stands to reason that God wouldn't be either. It's only fair.

Now, I realize that some of you might see a post a post like this as being hideously blasphemous, but you don't need to worry about me. I'm already going to hell anyway, seeing as how I failed to repost the chain letter within five minutes.

Stupid people amuse me. They really do.