Kenny Rogers: Billion Seller

So, I'm at work today, listening to this middle-aged woman drone on and on about how much she loves Kenny Rogers. The worst thing she could have done was let me know what a big fan she is, because now I make disparaging remarks about Kenny every chance I get. Not because I have anything against Kenny, mind you, I just like to push this woman's buttons... and I'm good at it.

Anyway, she's babbling on about Rogers and she makes a remark about how he's sold "a billion records."

"Wait a minute," I interrupted. "Did I just hear you say 'billion'?"

"Yeah," she says. "I have this interview with him where he says he just got a diamond/gold award thingy for a billion records sold."

It took a minute for all of this to sink in. Obviously, this woman knows absolutely nothing about RIAA sales certifications, or what constitutes a "gold" record" and a "diamond" record. But I couldn't believe that she was trying to say (with a straight face) that Kenny Fucking Rogers has sold a billion records. Not a million, mind you. A billion. As in a thousand million. She actually believes this!

I tried to talk some sense into her by putting things into perspective. "Umm... if you took ALL of the records from The Beatles, the Stones, Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley and combined the sales, you still wouldn't have ANYWHERE NEAR a billion."

"No, this is just for ONE of his records," she insists.

I almost fell to the floor at this point, because the immense stupidity of what she was saying was staggering. It's bad enough to think that Kenny Rogers (or anyone else for the matter) could possibly sell a billion records in the course of a career. But to believe that one particular Kenny Rogers album sold a billion copies... well, that's just fucking hilarious. I mean, just think about it; Jacko only sold a measly 50 million copies of that piddly little Thriller record he released. I guess Kenny made Jacko his bitch, huh?

I started laughing uproariously at this point, which REALLY pissed her off. "You're just like my damn brother!" she says. "You both think you know everything, but you don't know shit!!"

"Maybe not," I said, still laughing. "But I DO know that Kenny Rogers hasn't sold a billion records."

"YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!!" she sputters in rage. "I'm finshed talking with you about it!"

Well, at least something made me laugh today.