An Interview That Won't Happen

Take a look at the guy to your right. A lot of you might recognize him from television, where millions of people saw him in all of his giant muppet glory. (I'm sorry if that sounded mean, but what the fuck, you can't tell me this dude doesn't look like he should be hanging out with Kermit the Fucking Frog.) He's actually that guy Rupert Whatever-His-Last-Name-Is, and he appeared on a couple of seasons of Survivor; which, may I add, most of us grew bored with many years ago.

Anyway, THIS is the guy Dean wanted me to interview for the site. Somehow or other, they got to talking online and the subject of doing an interview came up. "Sure thing!" Rupert says, so it looked all set. Only one problem, though... while Dean is certainly no stranger to shitty TV shows, he doesn't watch Survivor. I guess that's where I come in, even though I'd had more than enough of that bullshit by season two. Apparently, I'm not as easily entertained as some of you assholes...

Now, I should point out that Rupert seemed pretty gung-ho about the interview, and even contacted Dean several times about it. But when Dean tried to nail it down, he pulled the typical bullshit that "stars" so often do; he sent along the phone number of his agent and said, "Call my agent and we'll get it set up!" Once Dean informed me of this, only one thought sprang to mind... "Fuck him AND his agent." I'm not calling anybody, motherfucker. The fact that you were on Survivor doesn't impress me one iota, you hairy bastard.

This is so typical. You know, this exact same thing happened last year when Dean asked me to interview Tom Green. They went back and forth a few times, Tom seemed cool about doing it, THEN... he sends his agent's number. I'll admit, I took the bait that time. I felt like such a jackass when I was on the phone to Los Angeles, pussyfooting around with Green's agent. It was like;

OFFICE: "I'm sorry, who did you say was calling?"

JEREMY THE LONER: "This is... uh... Jeremy from DeansPlanet.com."

OFFICE: "Who???"

After several conversations like this, I said "fuck it" and gave up. What the hell do I care about interviewing some guy who likes to suck cow teats and hump dead moose carcases, anyway? I mean, it would be one thing if I could talk to him about banging Drew Barrymore, but you know he would have gotten all pissy if I asked about her. Besides, if you think you're a "big star," you're probably an asshole that I don't want to deal with in the first place.


Compare that with somebody like, say, E.G. Daily. E.G. is more talented than both of these guys combined, she's had a much longer career, and she's probably much better known as well. But when I contacted her, she got right back to me and immediately agreed to do the interview. There was none of that "call my agent" bullshit. I just asked her my dumb questions, and then she answered them right away. Hell, she wasn't even trying to promote anything! But that's the difference between people like her and people that let their fleeting fame go straight to their empty heads. I'll be loyal to E.G. for the rest of my life because of how sweet she was to a nobody like me. She even took the time to send an e-mail telling me how much she enjoyed the article I wrote. Plus, take a look at her... she's a babe!

So, scratch what I said about me doing a new interview within the next few days. I may indeed be a nobody, but I'm not about to jump through hoops for ANYBODY. We don't need your fucking interview, Rupert.