The Loner In A Christmas Story?

My friend Marc, director extraordinare, is directing a stage production of that holiday classic A Christmas Story this December, and he's asked me to be in it. This is the same Marc whose wife just gave birth to their first child recently, so I should think the poor guy has enough going on in his life at the moment. But he agreed to direct the show a long time ago, and to his credit he decided to stick with it. I guess he's about to enter my world, in the sense that he'll probably never sleep again. Sleep is overrated anyway...

I just did a show this spring, which was my first stage production in over a decade. I enjoyed the experience, but I was more than a bit disappointed in how I did. The character I played was supposed to be evil and menacing, and going by some of the shit I write in this blog you'd think that would be a cinch for me. My physical presence is somewhat imposing, because I'm a big guy with freakishly large shoulders... but I also have a "baby face," which means that my attempts at being scary were probably laughable at best. I'm much, much better at making people laugh than I am at scaring them. I mean, I must be. Women are always laughing at me, especially when I hit on them.


A Christmas Story is definitely more my speed, because it's a funny, funny show. But when Marc asked me to do the part of "The Old Man," my first thought was, "Is he nuts??" For one thing, the late Darren McGavin (who played the role in the movie) was fantastic in that part, and it's always hard to take on a role that so many people are intimately familiar with. My second thought was, "Oh, I'm MUCH too young to do it." But then it hit me... the script never specifies the age that the father character is supposed to be. Aside from that, it's perfectly plausible for someone my age to have a kid the same age as Ralphie. When I realized this, I took a long, hard gaze in the mirror and got all depressed. My "seed" remains unplanted, and that's not going to change anytime soon.

"My face ain't looking any younger..."
Well, damn. Life is just passing me by.

I think I can arrange my schedule to do this. Of course, it would be a complete pain in the ass with rehearsals three times a week, busting my ass at work, drinking too much beer, not sleeping, writing in this blog, doing my column... but it would also be fun, and I don't have nearly enough fun in my miserable life. So we'll see what happens...

Oh, by the way, Dean asked me to do another interview for the site, but he's neglected to send me the contact info. Hello...? Better hurry up, Dean. My limited amount of free time is about to get even smaller.