The Loner Versus Tom Green
So, I was puttering around online the other night, bored out of my skull and drinking an obscene amount of cheap, cheap vodka. I was completely demolished. You should know, in the past year or so I had pretty much stopped drinking hard liquor, preferring instead to stick to my cheap beer. And lately, I hadn't been drinking enough beer to get smashed... just enough to take the edge off, you know?
Anyway, I saw Tom Green had posted a bulletin on MySpace about a live show he was doing that night from his house. Apparently, since every single one of his MTV type talk shows has failed miserably, he now has to do his show strictly on the Internet. It's not hard to see why. I was actually one of the people that liked the original Tom Green Show and found parts of it pretty funny. His talk shows, on the other hand, really suck. Green is NOT a good interviewer and he's boring as all hell. Besides, I felt I had a bit of a bone to pick with him after that whole DeansPlanet.com failed interview fiasco. (See the October 6th entry for more about that.)
I noticed from the bulletin that Tom's show was broadcasting live at 11:00pm and that his guest was Ross the Intern from The Tonight Show... you know, that pudgy, flamboyantly gay guy that Leno randomly discovered on the street one day and now does shit for the show? Now, I have nothing against Ross the Intern and wasn't all that interested in talking to him. But then I noticed that it just happened to be 10:57pm and Tom's site had a phone number posted where you could call into the show live. Plus, my phone just happened to be sitting there. In my drunken state, it was just too much to resist. So, before you could say, "Why are you calling L.A. at eleven o'clock at night?" I was dialing the number...
To my surprise, I got right through and immediately found myself talking to a screener. As my clouded recollection goes, the call went something like this;
SCREENER: "Tom Green Show."
JEREMY THE LONER: "Uh, hi. I, uh, have a question for... uh, Ross."
SCREENER: "And what is your question?"
JEREMY THE LONER: "Uh... well... you know..."
SCREENER: "Aw, come on, man." *click*
Well, dammit. I'm usually quick on my feet in situations like that, but not after consuming a gallon or so of vodka. Besides, how was I to know they were going to ask me what I wanted to talk about? I hadn't thought that far ahead. And I couldn't very well say, "Oh, I'm just calling to fuck with Tom," could I?
So I picked up the phone and dialed again. This time when the screener answered, I assumed a "flamboyant gay man" voice of my own and started going on about much I just LOVED Ross the Intern. This time, I got right on the air;
TOM GREEN: "Hi, you're on live."
JEREMY THE LONER: (suddenly back to my normal voice) "Hey, guys."
ROSS THE INTERN: "Hi!"
JEREMY THE LONER: "Look, I just want to say... we're having a party over here, the booze is flowing..."
TOM GREEN: (Said SOMETHING at this point, but I have no idea what the fuck it was.)
JEREMY THE LONER: "Well, what I REALLY want to know is..."
TOM GREEN: (Hangs up on me.)
Dammit again! Now it was getting personal. I should have just given up at this point, but you know, vodka and all... So what did I do? I dialed AGAIN. All in all, I ended up getting on the air a total of at least three times. One time I started talking about Britney and K-Fed's impending divorce and I think I even defended Federline's new CD just to see what the reaction would be. (Notice I said "think." I really only vaguely remember the conversations from that night.) Then, after Green kept hanging up on me, no doubt sensing I was a drunken asshole that was about to single-handedly ruin his show, the screener started getting wise to me. "Didn't you already call tonight?" he asked me. Of course, I lied and said I didn't, but he hung up on me anyway. Also, my ability to do many different sounding voices was hampered by my extreme inebriation. So then I had my roommate call from his cell phone, and as soon as they put him through I got back on the phone AGAIN. The thing is, I never really did anything to fuck up his show. I was just spreading drunken cheer. Although there was one point where I yelled, "Hey, Tom, why did you blow off the Dean's Planet interview??" but I think Tom had hung up on me (again) by that point.
I'll definitely call back again at some point... sober this time... and we'll really have some fun. Then, after I get my own show on the net sometime in the future, Tom can call in and fuck with ME.
It's only fair.
Anyway, I saw Tom Green had posted a bulletin on MySpace about a live show he was doing that night from his house. Apparently, since every single one of his MTV type talk shows has failed miserably, he now has to do his show strictly on the Internet. It's not hard to see why. I was actually one of the people that liked the original Tom Green Show and found parts of it pretty funny. His talk shows, on the other hand, really suck. Green is NOT a good interviewer and he's boring as all hell. Besides, I felt I had a bit of a bone to pick with him after that whole DeansPlanet.com failed interview fiasco. (See the October 6th entry for more about that.)
I noticed from the bulletin that Tom's show was broadcasting live at 11:00pm and that his guest was Ross the Intern from The Tonight Show... you know, that pudgy, flamboyantly gay guy that Leno randomly discovered on the street one day and now does shit for the show? Now, I have nothing against Ross the Intern and wasn't all that interested in talking to him. But then I noticed that it just happened to be 10:57pm and Tom's site had a phone number posted where you could call into the show live. Plus, my phone just happened to be sitting there. In my drunken state, it was just too much to resist. So, before you could say, "Why are you calling L.A. at eleven o'clock at night?" I was dialing the number...
To my surprise, I got right through and immediately found myself talking to a screener. As my clouded recollection goes, the call went something like this;
SCREENER: "Tom Green Show."
JEREMY THE LONER: "Uh, hi. I, uh, have a question for... uh, Ross."
SCREENER: "And what is your question?"
JEREMY THE LONER: "Uh... well... you know..."
SCREENER: "Aw, come on, man." *click*
Well, dammit. I'm usually quick on my feet in situations like that, but not after consuming a gallon or so of vodka. Besides, how was I to know they were going to ask me what I wanted to talk about? I hadn't thought that far ahead. And I couldn't very well say, "Oh, I'm just calling to fuck with Tom," could I?
So I picked up the phone and dialed again. This time when the screener answered, I assumed a "flamboyant gay man" voice of my own and started going on about much I just LOVED Ross the Intern. This time, I got right on the air;
TOM GREEN: "Hi, you're on live."
JEREMY THE LONER: (suddenly back to my normal voice) "Hey, guys."
ROSS THE INTERN: "Hi!"
JEREMY THE LONER: "Look, I just want to say... we're having a party over here, the booze is flowing..."
TOM GREEN: (Said SOMETHING at this point, but I have no idea what the fuck it was.)
JEREMY THE LONER: "Well, what I REALLY want to know is..."
TOM GREEN: (Hangs up on me.)
Dammit again! Now it was getting personal. I should have just given up at this point, but you know, vodka and all... So what did I do? I dialed AGAIN. All in all, I ended up getting on the air a total of at least three times. One time I started talking about Britney and K-Fed's impending divorce and I think I even defended Federline's new CD just to see what the reaction would be. (Notice I said "think." I really only vaguely remember the conversations from that night.) Then, after Green kept hanging up on me, no doubt sensing I was a drunken asshole that was about to single-handedly ruin his show, the screener started getting wise to me. "Didn't you already call tonight?" he asked me. Of course, I lied and said I didn't, but he hung up on me anyway. Also, my ability to do many different sounding voices was hampered by my extreme inebriation. So then I had my roommate call from his cell phone, and as soon as they put him through I got back on the phone AGAIN. The thing is, I never really did anything to fuck up his show. I was just spreading drunken cheer. Although there was one point where I yelled, "Hey, Tom, why did you blow off the Dean's Planet interview??" but I think Tom had hung up on me (again) by that point.
I'll definitely call back again at some point... sober this time... and we'll really have some fun. Then, after I get my own show on the net sometime in the future, Tom can call in and fuck with ME.
It's only fair.
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