I'm Watching Football For Some Reason

I'm not sure why. I don't even like football. I don't actively dislike it, I just don't really care one way or another. I hear guys at work all the time, babbling on about their fantasy football leagues and all that shit. Maybe I don't get into football because I'm a horrible athlete. It's true. My dad signed me up for a softball league when I was a kid and I sucked badly. They banished me to behind the plate as a catcher, which is where they always put the kids who suck. In baseball, they stick your ass out in right field--but in softball, they make you the catcher. And yes, I managed to fuck it up on a constant basis.

I might have been better at football, especially since I'm built like a line backer. (And that's me being kind about my physique.) But when I see a guy running with a football in his hands, for some odd reason I have no desire to tackle him. I also have no desire to give him an affectionate pat on his ass if he makes a good play. Why is that considered "acceptable" when you're playing a game? I mean, if I got a raise at work, I wouldn't expect my male friends to slap my ass in a celebratory manner. If they did, I think I'd need to find new friends.

I don't know... I guess I'm just not "manly."

Losing My Touch?

I put the counter up on this blog about a month ago, and since that time I haven't even gotten 4000 hits. That's right, not even 4000 measly hits. I mean, that's a good number if you're some teenage chick who spends all your time writing about how much you just LOVE Clay Aiken or some shit...

(http://www.livejournal.com/users/funsizegoodness/)

...but when you consider that on an average day, the main page at Dean's Planet gets more than twenty times the amount of hits I've gotten all month, it's not too impressive. Not too impressive at all.

I'll tell you what this means. I have a cult following. This blog is the dark, dank corner of the site, frequented by people who are like me. If you're reading this, chances are you're a freak, perv or loner like me.

You know what else is surprising to me? I haven't gotten ONE pissed off e-mail about my power ballads column. I must be losing my touch. Maybe I should go the Doc route and "retire."

Oh, and don't send me hate mail now out of sympathy. I'll know if you're faking.

Nothing To Say Today

My Tom Wilson interview has been making the rounds on the Internet, surprisingly enough. I just got this e-mail earlier today;

Date: Thu, 22 Sep 2005 11:31:23 -0400
From: "Ken Hall" afreview@go-star.com
To: goodnight_tonight@yahoo.com
Subject: To Jeremy, from Ken Hall

Jeremy - I'm a few hours away from interviewing Tom Wilson and I just wanted you to know I thoroughly enjoyed your Q&A session with him. I'm the editor of a magazine called Art & Frame Review and I do a monthly column called The Celebrity Artist (to see some past articles, go to www.go-star.com). I learned about Tom's artistic side and contacted him thru Big Pop Fun and he wrote back saying yes, he'd be happy to be interviewed. I learned some stuff from your article I didn't know beofre (like not to ask too many BTTF questions!). Anyway, your writing style is very breezy and engaging. You did a good job. Best regards, Ken Hall

See that, Tom? At least some people liked the interview. As far as the Back to the Future fans go, they seem to have mixed opinions. I found some comments about the interview on the BTTF.com forum.

'Diss' service. . .

JTL: How did you come to play the Biff role in Back To The Future?

Tom Wilson: "I don't really service the BTTF phenomena anymore. I've said about everything that can be said by a human being about 6 hours of film. Thanks for understanding."

Hmmm.

Oliver

******************

Yeah, I know he hates being badgered about the films anymore, but usually he still manages to be a good interview. There, though, he was a little more obnoxious than usual. At least at the Q&A during the February screening, he had plenty of good stories that he didn't mind telling.

Future Boy

There were more comments on some other board, but I can't remember where it was.
But enough about Tom Wilson--I shouldn't even worry about what he thought of the interview one way or another. I'm getting too sensitive and shit.

Back to doing laundry... until the groupies come over, that is. Don't laugh, it could happen. Why shouldn't I have groupies? I kick ass.

Yeah, I know I have nothing interesting to say at the moment. Maybe it's because I was up until 3:00am drinking vodka. But at least I didn't pick up the phone and call any women--no, I have banned myself from using the telephone while vodka is in the vicinity. I figure that's the best thing to do, if I ever plan on getting laid again in this lifetime.

Damn Spam

What is up with all the "find a fuck buddy" spam I've been getting lately? I just got one this morning which boasted "71% of our members get laid." I wonder how they keep track of things like that. It would be like;

Phone rings

OPERATOR: Hello, Mr. Jones?

CUSTOMER: Yeah, who's this?

OPERATOR: This is Don from Fuck Buddies calling. We're just doing a follow up to see how your "date" went last night.

CUSTOMER: It was okay, I guess. She had a bit of a moustache and her breath stank, but other than that she was okay.

OPERATOR: Okay, so you fucked her then?

CUSTOMER: Nah, she just blew me.

OPERATOR: Well, according to our manifesto, oral sex DOES count as "intercourse."
Your bill will be in the mail.

CUSTOMER: No way! You guys said I'd get laid!

OPERATOR: Read the fine print on your contract, sir. Thank you for choosing Fuck Buddies.

I guess it would be kind of fun to have a fuck buddy, but I'd never even think of joining a club to get one. You know damn well how that would work--they probably have 10 thousand guys signed up, and something like 8 women, who have so many cocks sticking in them that they look like dick pin cushions. Thanks, but no thanks.

At least it's a refreshing change from all the "herbal viagra" spam I've been getting.

The Emmy "Fuck" List

Fuck Ellen Degeneres. The only thing that's "funny" about this hideously untalented waste of oxygen is her ugly, bug-eyed face. No wait, I take that back--her face is much more annoying than it is funny. I'd slather up my dick in honey and angry fire ants before I'd watch her piece of shit talk show.

Fuck Desperate Housewives. Words cannot possibly convey how fucking sick I am of hearing about this show. I wish people would fucking stop talking about it already. Hey, media, I don't watch the show. And guess what? I'm never going to, so stop shoving it down my fucking throat.

Fuck Will & Grace. I am really, really tired of this whole "gay chic" culture that's become all the rage these past few years. I have nothing against gays, but some of them are so damn annoying I wish they'd just stay in the closet. Here's a newsflash--the fact that you're gay doesn't necessarily make you funny, hip and clever. There ain't gonna be any "queer eye" for THIS straight guy, motherfuckers.

Fuck Everybody Loves Raymond. Gee, this was supposedly "the most popular comedy on TV," yet I don't know one fucking person who watched it. At least people might shut the fuck up about it now that it's off the air. Suck my cock, Ray Romano. I hate you.

Fuck the Emmys.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Some Reader Mail...

I've been getting really behind in my e-mail the past two weeks, telling myself I haven't really had time to answer it. But then I got to thinking... who the hell am I not to write back to people??? God forbid that a loser like me ever get to thinking that he's "too important" for such things. So I scanned through my inbox this morning and decided to catch up--and since I have nothing better to do for the next hour or so, I guess I'll post some e-mail on the blog here. It's either that, or surf for some porn.

From: "Melissa" nodoubtgirl@comcast.net
To: goodnight_tonight@yahoo.com
Subject: E.G. Daily

Hi,

I recently read your article and interview with E.G. Daily and I thought it was great!! She is one AMAZING and TALENTED girl!!! I have a site dedicated to her at the link below if you want to check it out. Again, great article!!
Melissa

http://www.geocities.com/egdailyrocks/hanginwithEGDaily.html

Okay, so I checked out the link. The site is nothing TOO spectacular, but I will say that it's a hell of a lot better than I could do. I know diddly shit about HTML and all that--I'm a total retard. If Dean didn't make my layouts for me, I'd be fucked. So, if anybody out there was harboring the theory that I'm a computer geek or some shit, you were dead wrong. I'm just your garden variety drunken, lonely geek.

I am envious of this chick, though--she's got plenty of pics with her and E.G. just hanging out. That would never happen to me... I'd probably end up creeping her out, then her handlers would take me away. I'm such a charming bastard.

From: "Justin Williams" a31sierra@msn.com
To: goodnight_tonight@yahoo.com
Subject: Hey

I know this is a little belated, but I just wanted to say welcome back to deans planet...so welcome back. Ive really been enjoying your interviews as of late and your blog is pretty entertaining. So thanks for the free entertainment.

Justin Williams

Justin Williams... huh, I knew I recognized that name. This is the guy I promised to send some shit to after I got settled into a new place. I'll bet he thinks I drank a few bottles of vodka and forgot all about his ass. Well, let me set you straight... he's right. Now, I have to find his address and figure out what I'm gonna send him. Something tells me that he's not going to be satisfied with an OFFICIAL Jeremy the Loner autograph. Although it would be funny to see the look on his face if I actually did send him that. It would be like "What the fuck...??? I'm gonna kill that cheap, drunken asshole."

Don't worry, Justin... I may be a dick, but I'm not THAT big of a dick. I'll figure something out and send it along in the mail--unless the vodka gets to me first.

Date: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 09:31:37 -0500
From: "natb"
Subject: You're so right
To: goodnight_tonight@yahoo.com

Everything you said about Trump is so true. Why anyone would watch his stupid retarded kindergarten show is beyond me. Another of the many celebrity idiots is Martha Stewart. Only in this country can someone become a talentless know nothing famous celebrity. Also, did you ever think that a criminal could become an even bigger star? ONLY IN AMERICA!!

Nathan Banks (email: natb3@lycos.com)

I agree with you for the most part, Nathan, but not when it comes to Martha Stewart.
That's not to say I have any love for the woman, but I have to admit... she somewhat... ahem... turns me on. Look, I know it's pretty sick to imply that I'd bang a woman who's in her 60's, but I am a lonely, lonely man. Besides, she could cook great food for you, keep your clothes smelling April fresh, then tie you to the bed and beat the living shit out of you. And you just know she would, too... she'd be sitting there all prim and proper in the kitchen making brownies and shit, but later on she'd be a maniac in bed, barking orders and yelling "Aw, for fuck's sake, I KNOW you can do it better than that, needle dick!"

That's what I need in my life--a woman who'll kick my ass up and down and whip me into shape. Or, at the very least, bake me some brownies.

This Night Won't Last Forever

Everybody likes a celebration
Happy music and conversation
I'd be lying if I said I didn't have the blues
In the corner there's a couple dancing
From the kitchen I can hear them laughing
Oh, I wish I was celebrating too.

I know this night won't last forever
I know the sun is gonna shine sometime
I need some hope for a bright tomorrow
To show this heart is gonna mend just fine.

So pardon me for my disposition
I wish I didn't have to sit and listen
She's playing the same old songs on the stereo
She's been lying since the day I met her
I'd be better off to just forget her
Oh, I would rather be lonesome all alone.

And I know this night won't last forever
I know the sun is gonna shine sometime
I need some hope for a bright tomorrow
And I know this heart is gonna mend just fine.

Such a ridiculous situation
Pretending there's nothing wrong
She's coming on with the invitation
I wonder who is taking her home?

I know this night won't last forever
I know the sun is gonna shine sometime
I need some hope for a bright tomorrow
To show this heart is gonna mend just fine.

More Work. Yippee.

I finally finished my "power ballads" column today. And I stuck to my final list, even though some readers sent me some pretty interesting nominations... so don't write to me later and claim that I stole your idea. I just hope this doesn't turn into a Classic Broads type of situation, where people keep sending me power ballads they hate for months and months.

I have another column half finished, too, but that will have to wait for a few days.
For now, I have to spend yet another Friday night working.

I Know, I Know...

... that I've slacking over here on my Dean's Planet duties. Get off my ass, it's been a shitty week. I'll be around more these next few days. Plus, I need to finish up my latest column--The 10 Worst Power Ballads Of All Time.

I already pretty much have my list finalized, but I'm still open for last minute nominations. What "power ballad" do you hate? Is it a song by Extreme? Poison, perhaps? KISS?

Talk amongst yourselves, or leave a comment below. This is an important subject, this "power ballads" thing.

Unbelievable Stupidity

I couldn't believe it when I found THIS e-mail in my inbox this morning;

From: "Patric Khumalo" pk_kh02@hotmail.com
To: pk_kh02@hotmail.com
Subject: HELLO DONALD TRUMP
Date: Fri, 09 Sep 2005 14:52:32 +0200



ATTEN: DONALD TRUMP
FROM: PATRIC KHUMALO
EMAIL: pk_kh02@hotmail.com


STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

Greetings to you, my dear friend. I know that you will be surprised to
recieve this type of
proposal from me. Anyway, my name is Mr Patric Khumalo.The
Departmental
Manager of the Stallion Security Company (Pty) Limited South Africa.

However, as i was going through the records of our clients recently, I
noticed that some of the consignments being lodged in by some of our
clients
were being confiscated by the
Company, due to some reasons--such as (a) Either, that the consignment
were
over stayed in our custody, and as a result, some of the depositors
could
not be able to pay up the
demurrage accrued to the company. (b) That the depositors are
death and
left no beneficiary of any kind to lay a legal claim of the consignment
in
case if they fail to redeem their consignments within their lives time.

Moreover, one of the consignments, which happen to be under our
custody,
falls into the reason number (b). Which the consignment in question,
was
lodged in by one Mr Maputo Setseco. The then president of the Republic
of
Zaire.And the consignment was deposited as valuable Metals, valued at
the
cost of seventeen Million and Five Hundred Thousand American Dollars
(US$17.5MILLION)...

... and it goes on like this.

Now, I can't figure out what's dumber--the fact that this guys thinks an e-mail address posted at the end of my I Really Hate Donald Trump column is a direct line to Trump, or the fact that he thinks Trump achieved his great wealth by being stupid enough to fall for Internet scams like this one.

I encourage everybody reading this to e-mail this moron and fuck with him.
I think we can all agree that he deserves it.

What a fucking dummy.

Everyone's Pissed At Me

I keep forgetting just how many people read this dumb blog, and it's starting to get me in trouble.

Some of you may recall an e-mail from a certain female that I posted a few weeks back, in which she expressed worry over "using" me for carnal reasons. Well, apparently she read the post and now she's pissed at me. One of my friends saw her the other day and she told him that her and I "aren't on speaking terms" right now. I'm not sure why she got offended. It's not like I was making fun of her or anything--well, not really, anyway. And hell, I didn't even post her name. I just thought it was funny, the whole idea that a woman would worry about "using" a guy. Ahh, but what are you gonna do? I have this knack for pissing people off. I don't even have to try, it's a gift I have. My bother got pissed at me, too, over the post I made about him taking all of Papa's liquor. Called me a "whiney bitch."

See? There's that double standard again. Despite not having a vagina, it's still okay to call me a bitch. Bitch bitch bitch.

There was some talk of going to NYC at the end of the month to cover the Erotic Expo. It was going to be me, Dean, Doc and wall to wall porn stars. But now, it's looking like it's not going to happen. That sucks. Sure, I wouldn't mind hanging out with a bunch of porn stars--but believe it or not, I was more excited about actually meeting Dean and Doc. I've been writing for this site for almost three years and I've never met those guys. Besides, I never go anywhere. I'm gonna be stuck in Michigan for my whole fucking life.

Sorry that I don't have anything especially interesting to say tonight. Or even mildly entertaining. It's just my stupid job, man... it's zapping my will to live.

Damn, I could use a beer. But I'm too lazy to drive to the store.

Heat Of The Moment

This one goes out to her. Yes, her. She knows--oh yes, she knows.

I never meant to be so bad to you
One thing I said that I would never do
A look from you and I would fall from grace
And it would wipe the smile right from my face

Do you remember when we used to dance?
And incidents arose from circumstance
One thing led to another, we were young
And we would scream together songs unsung

It was the heat of the moment
Telling me what my heart meant
The heat of the moment showed in your eyes

And now you find yourself in '82
The disco hot spots hold no charm for you
You can concern yourself with bigger things
You catch a pearl and ride the dragon's wings

'Cause it's the heat of the moment
Heat of the moment
The heat of the moment
That showed in your eyes

And when your looks have gone, and you're alone
How many nights you sit beside the phone
What were the things you wanted for yourself?
Teenage ambitions you remember well

'Cause it was the heat of the moment
Telling you what your heart meant
It was the heat of the moment
That showed in your eyes

Heat of the moment
Heat of the moment
Heat of the moment
That showed in your eyes...

Harrassed By E-Harmony

Some months ago, I filled out one of those "free personality profiles" on eharmony.com. This is not an advertisement for that site. In fact, I never joined, nor do I ever have any intention of doing so. I just wanted to see what kind of "profile" they'd come up with for me. I thought it might be interesting for them to try and sugarcoat the essence of who I am--I mean, is there really any NICE way of saying "You're a self-loathing, insecure asshole who's fucked in the head, and nobody will ever want to be with you?" So, one night when I had nothing better to do, I sat down with a bottle of whiskey and answered lots and lots of personal questions about myself. It was extremely extensive, but once I got started, I just HAD to see it through--and besides, like I said, I had nothing better to do anyway. That's usually the case with me, as I have NO social life whatsoever.

Since that day, E-Harmony has been cyber stalking me, desperately trying to get me to join. They constantly send me "matches," despite the fact that I supposedly reached my "match limit" a good three months ago. Then, they send me the typical JOIN NOW! bullshit at least three times a week. They should take a fucking hint. I'm not joining. Not ever. I have better things to spend my limited income on. Like liquor. Frozen pizzas. And Pop Tarts, of course.

I'm not saying anything bad against Internet personals in general. I think it's a good way to meet people, as long as you're not a complete loser like I am. I would just feel bad for any poor woman who got set up on a date with me. I can just imagine her pained, fake smile as she shakes my hand and thinks "So THIS is the guy who's supposedly a good 'match' for me?? I'm cancelling that fucking membership the second I get home. Now, I need to figure out a way to ditch this dipshit." See, I wouldn't want to put anyone through that. Why waste her time (and my own)?
At best, I'm an aquired taste. At worst, I'm a woman's "first date" nightmare.

Yeah, yeah, I know women hate the whole "woe is me" bullshit. They want confident men, but that's not me. I'm a realist.

So leave me the fuck alone, E-Harmony.

One a semi-related note, I finally heard back from that chick I called while drunk just over a month ago. She's acting like nothing's wrong, so maybe I didn't fuck it up after all. Or maybe I was so drunk, I called another chick by mistake. She says she still wants to see me and perhaps "have coffee" in the very near future. Believe it or not, I'm actually going to go. This chick already knows me and knows what I look like, so I don't need to worry about the "pained, fake smile" thing. But I won't be having any coffee, though. Only grown ups drink coffee.

Same Country, Different Worlds

Thousands of people are probably dead in Louisiana. People are taking to the streets with AK-47s and shooting each other. Many, many people are homeless, with nothing to eat or drink.

And here I sit, bitching about how this damn computer keeps booting my ass offline. Yes, it's still happening. All things considered, I have a lot of nerve to be bitching about something so trivial. But in my defense, I'm also on a dial up connection at the moment. Believe me, that's pretty fucking awful. The horrors! The horrors! Plus, I have to work on labor day, which sucks mucho cock. But I guess I'm pretty lucky. At least my neighbors aren't roaming the streets and blowing each other away. Oh wait... I live near Detroit, so actually, yes they are.

I'm in a pretty bad mood, too. My brother called me the other day, drunk, to tell me that he and my dad had cleared out the contents of Papa's trailer so they could sell it. Apparently, Papa was a booze hound just like me, because they found like eight bottles of liquor hidden throughout the trailer. And you know what pisses me off?? My fucking brother has decided to keep ALL OF IT to himself. Fucking booze pig. Couldn't even give one measly bottle, the prick. Then, he invited me to hang out at his place tonight, and the son of a bitch never called. He was probably too tanked to remember that he invited me. Bastard. If he decides to hoard all that liquor to himself, I'm gonna grab a few bottles and break them over his fucking head.

Yes, I still plan on writing a new column... but I keep getting booted before I get the chance. God dammit.

Stupid Fucking Computer

Motherfucker!

I was half way through a new column yesterday when the goddamn computer booted me offline. I never even got a chance to save anything. So now, my fledgling column is gone. And I was enjoying it, too. It was especially bitter. But this computer is so loaded with viruses and problems, it's hacking and wheezing just like grandma did the last few years of her life. I'm about ready to heave the thing over the balcony into oblivion.

Well, it seems that "Biff" wasn't too happy with my interview. You know why I say that? Usually after I finish an interview, I send a link to the celeb for some feedback. The vast majority of the time, they're pretty happy with them. I mean, I don't expect them to be overjoyed to be interviewed by a nobody like me, but they usually seem fairly pleased. Henry Hill offered to cook dinner for me. Bruce Kulick linked to the interview from his official site. Dean Cameron thanked me for not making him look "like a loser." Even E.G. Daily complimented the interview and the layout.

Mmmmmm.... E.G. Daily........

But as for Tom "Biff" Wilson goes, not a peep. Nada. And here I thought I kissed his ass in the interview! So he got pissed about the Back to the Future questions... so fucking what??? What did he expect me to ask him about, when he played the lead on the TV version of Turner and Hooch?

Get a sense of humor, Tom. You're supposed to be a comedian... remember???