Okay, so a new Ikea store just opened up right by where I live. What's that? You say you've never heard of Ikea? Well, neither had I up until about a month ago. Apparently, it's some Swedish furniture store that sells a bunch of
overpriced shit to assholes who don't need it.
Anyway, the local media has been going apeshit about this fucking place. Why bother talking about actual news when you can talk about
some fucking lame retail store, right? But here's the clincher; since Sunday night, a large group of
drooling troglodytes with no lives to speak of had been
camping out in front of the store, waiting for the big moment when they opened their doors to the public this morning. Yes, you read that correctly. They actually camped out, tents and all, hoping to be one of the first customers to buy some
Eurotrash furniture that you have to assemble yourself. You know, it's times like this that I wish I had unlimited amounts of tear gas and access to a military tank. Fuck, if the local media is going to be out there covering this bullshit anyway,
I might as well give them something actually newsworthy to talk about. I'd love to see them flee their fruity little pop tents as I roll right through them, bringing my hellish rain of fire and poisonous gas down on their empty heads. I mean, imagine having a life that's
so completely pointless that you have absolutely nothing better to do than to camp out in front a furniture store for several days. These people should be brutally slaughtered in public while their families look on, screaming in horror. But that's just my humble opinion.
You know what's even worse?
I actually know the woman who was first in line. And believe me, I don't feel that entitles me to bragging rights. She actually went to my high school, and she has the dubious honor of being
one of the only people who requested to add me on MySpace that I rejected. (Not counting the spam profiles, of course.) See that? I
knew I had a good reason for not liking her. Now she's getting some attention from the local press about how she was the first loser in line... she's been on the TV news, they've been talking about her on the radio and she's been mentioned in the paper. And instead of being embarrassed and ashamed about this (as I would be), she actually
posed for pictures, with a dumb expression on her face which seemed to cry out,
"Look at me! My life is completely devoid of meaning!" I'm not going to post any pictures of her, though, and I'm not going to tell you her name. Why would I want to contribute to her ridiculous notion that she's some sort of "celebrity?" So you camped out for three days... gee, that's just wonderful. Why is this bringing her any "fame?" Are people impressed by her obscene amount of free time?
I didn't even have that much free time when I was unemployed. Besides, since when is being
a complete and utter loser grounds for being "famous?" Sorry, but I already have
that market covered. And unlike her, at least I'm smart enough to realize what a loser I am.
Let me tell you a little more about this broad... her best friend is a former female friend of mine who just happens to be married. Well, since she had nothing else to occupy her
empty fucking life, she became convinced that since me and this woman were sending e-mail back and forth, we must be having an illicit affair behind her husband's back. It wasn't true. In fact, an affair would have been pretty damn difficult at that point,
considering the fact that I hadn't even seen her in person since 1998. This little factoid didn't stop her from telling the husband about this alleged "affair" though, which could have turned into a huge mess if everybody didn't already know that she's a busybody who's full of shit. I decided right then and there that I hated her, and I always would. You don't fuck around making accusations like that, especially when you have no evidence to back it up. She could have ruined people's lives talking shit like that, and besides,
it wasn't any of her fucking business. The funny thing is, the woman whose marriage she tried to destroy is STILL her friend! Un-fucking-believable! Man, if a friend of mine pulled some shit like that,
I'd pummel their face into a bloody pulp. And then I'd get REALLY nasty with them...
So yeah, THAT'S the person who was first in line at the damn Ikea store. THAT'S the person receiving accolades from people just because she had nothing better to do with her time than spend a few days living outside a furniture store. And if she's indictative of the rest of the stupid assholes pathetic enough to camp out, I wish they would have gathered them all in the building and then blew the fucker up. I know that's my solution for a lot of things, but it REALLY applies here.
WHAT... A BUNCH... OF... FUCKING... LOSERS...
