NAME: Vanessa L. Williams

CLAIM TO FAME: Started off as Miss America 1984, whose crown she had to relinquish due to some nudie pics showing up in the pages of Penthouse magazine.(Personally, I think her greatest crime in that whole saga was having the photograph with George Burns on the cover of the issue that included her pictures taken in the first place. Why in the hell was she in the same room with that old clown? He wasn't going to make her look any better by standing next to her and he hadn't been all that popular since the 50s. He was just making a career out of being old by then.) After that fiasco Vanessa rebounded nicely to have a music career singing popular but lousy songs, an acting career portraying characters in popular but lousy movies, gave birth to like eighteen kids, got married to an NBA star (a marriage that shockingly failed) and she's also gone the way of what seems to be The Path for classic broads - shilling bullshit on either home shopping channels or infomercials, and sometimes both. In Vanessa's case it's Proactiv solution, an available over-the-airwaves acne medication that's also pushed by future classic broads Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson (although Brit might not make it to being classic judging by some of the recent pics of her Dean has posted... she might be lucky to not hit the wall by the time she's 25). And finally, after being crowned the first black Miss America, she has the distinction of being the first black Classic Broad. It's come full-circle for her with that, I'm sure.

THOUGHTS: Oh. My. God. Let me tell you something right now. Looking back at all the Classic Broads written about in this space, Vanessa may just be the hottest of them all. She was hot when she was young and she's damn near just as hot now. You find me one 13 year old (non-homosexual) boy who can't find reason to hang out extra long in the bathroom with a few pictures of a 42 year-old Vanessa Williams. I can't think of a single period of time since she's come on the scene that Vanessa Williams looked like she wasn't worthy of giving me continuous private lap dances. That can't be said of all the classic broads. Have you seen Carrie Fischer lately? Or Farrah Fawcett? Granted, they're both quite a bit older than Vanessa and Vanessa may very well catch up to their dried out prune faced (and in Farrah's case, demented) looks by the time she reaches their ages, but I doubt it. In fact, let's go on a trip down memory lane to recap Vanessa's amazing bangability over the years.

1984: Crowned first black Miss America. Shortly thereafter, nudie pics surface of her in Penthouse magazine. Young DaBrettman gets his hands on a copy (which was no small feat for a teen back in those days...we didn't have this underbelly of the internet stuff like USENET and IRC where we could go and find any kind of smut imaginable before it was even out on the market... we had to work for our porn) and after a couple weeks with it finds that his right forearm looks far better defined and muscled than his left forearm. He has to unfortunately discard the magazine because no pictures that mattered were accessible any longer. That day was a sad one indeed.

1988: Releases her first album, The Right Stuff. One of the hit singles is "Dreamin'." An obvious ode to me. I can't stomach the song, but I damn sure know the video! 1992: Guest stars on "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" playing the knocked-up Danny Mitchell (while knocked-up in real life at the time), who goes into labor in the back seat of a limo with only Will there to help out. In my personal blog, I've cheesed off many a women by saying that I don't think pregnant chicks are that hot. Something about the idea of some other dude's kid floating around in there that doesn't sit too well with me. I can be a little weird sometimes. Anyway, Vanessa is the exception to that rule. I had never wanted to bang a pregnant chick before then, but I totally saw me and her doing some kind of workaround for me to get a piece of that.

1996: Stars in Eraser with Arnold. Vanessa plays an executive who requires witness protection because she knows secrets. It's an action movie, but in my mind it's a dirty dirty XXX porno.

2000: Stars in A Diva's Christmas Carol on VH1. I'm a man, so I didn't watch this flick, but I like that Vanessa's character had a J-Lo style ego/attitude. Makes you want to stuff something in her mouth to shut her up. Nice thoughts there.

2003-Present: Shilling Proactiv solution on late-night infomercials. When I can't sleep I try to check her out and think about what the hell she's doing as a spokesperson for it. Even if her skin was screwed up at one time and she needed that crap to fix it, she always wore enough make-up caked on her face to make it unnoticable, so why mess with the illusion? Jeez. The girl's killing me.

STILL HOT? Have you not read anything up to this point? You could dip Vanessa Williams in sulfuric acid and lay her in front of me with her flesh and bones sizzling away in front of me and I would still hit it. You could put her in liquid nitrogen, freeze her solid, drop her from a height of 10 feet and shatter her being all over a floor that covers a 150 square ft. and I would gather up every last shard, put it back together the best I could and still hit it. Damn straight she's still hot.