NAME: Lindsay Wagner

CLAIM TO FAME: The Bionic Woman, then on to Lifetime-type "I hate men" and a series of Six Million Dollar Man/Bionic Woman movies of the week, and now pushing sleep number air beds or some such junk like that.

THOUGHTS: Back when I was like four, Colonel Steve Austin was my hero. There was no one who was cooler than he. He had the bionic eye, he had the bionic arm, and he had the bionic legs. The dude cost $6 million and he was the total bomb to me in my impressionable tender young age. What I wanted to be when I grew up was a test pilot so I could be part of a flight that went horribly wrong and then I could be rebuilt using nuclearized bionic limbs and then go off being an intelligence agent and fighting spies and shit.

After a couple years of getting close to Col. Austin, a tennis pro who got severely injured in a skydiving accident started hanging around with some bionic parts of her own: she had the bionic teats, and the bionic thighs, and the bionic ass that drove all the fellas wild.

Oh, wait. That was The Blow-on-it Woman from my pubescent porno days and not The Bionic Woman from my prepubescent wet dream days.

Anyway, Jaime Summers - the Bionic Woman - was played by Lindsay Wagner and she was the hot bionic superbabe to counter the bionic man. She hung out with Steve Austin for a while and then drifted off into her own adventures doing pretty much the same thing as Steve, but by listening really closely to what was going on with a bionic ear rather than spying on shit from far away with a bionic eye. And she did it all while wearing cow neck sweaters and tight bellbottoms that were in fashion back in the day (the pants have had a renaissance in the last
few years).

My favorite part of The Bionic Woman, even when I was only 7 or 8 years old watching this stuff, was when she used her bionic legs to run really fast. You see, she was running so fast that when she moved or jumped or something they'd have to show it in slow-motion because our human eyes can't comprehend things that move that quickly. The upshot is that when she ran, and it was shown in slo-mo, was that we got to witness her boobs bouncing beautifully in rhythm with one another. If you can imagine, it would be something like b..oo..uu..n..cc..e, b...ou...nnnc...e, b...o...u...n...c...e with grace and majesty. They weren't the biggest, and they might not have been the best. In fact, it's not much of a lie to say that if Lindsay were in her heyday now, she should have probably taken Tara Reid's place on the plastic surgeon's table for an implantectomy. But hey, I was only 7 or 8, so those little fun-bites were perky enough to me and they served as Lindsay's weekly gift to kids like me across the nation. Additionally, we had the underside view of her when she'd leap high heights with her bionic legs. It was cool and all to see the contours on display in tight denim, but damn I wish she would have worn a skirt every once in a while when she was performing her "intelligence" duties. I'd have liked to have done some spying of my own down under.

After her days as Jaime Summers, Lindsay drifted off into D-List celebrity obscurity by being reduced to performing in Lifetime-type movies. She also didn't really age particularly well. She didn't get fat or wrinkly, but she just started to look like a mom. There's nothing wrong with that, and there are lots of moms who can make li'l DaB stand up and salute, but she was turning into the mom who stopped caring about anything but being a mom and didn't bother with the make-up or doing much other than tying her hair back to keep it out of her face while she chased kids around all day. It's a relief to know that she has two sons, so it's not a total waste that she looked like a mom even while she was acting in the post Bionic Woman years.

STILL HOT? As it turns out, Lindsay's kids are both over 18 now and she's back. Yes sir, she has landed the plumb gig shilling Select Comfort Sleep Number mattresses on TV. But you know what? She's looking mighty fine doing it. Yeah, she has some years on her now, but she doesn't look as old as she is (55), she has great hair, and her boobies are bigger now than they were back on her TV show! There are indeed good changes a woman's body goes through carrying kids around.

To answer the question, Lindsay is not still hot, no. She's one of the very, very rare cases of Classic Broad who starts off hot, then gets unhot, and then regains her hotness. Welcome back to Spankworthyville, Lindsay. If you need someone to help you keep those bionic thighs in shape just shoot me a line. Baby.

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