NAME: Madonna

CLAIM TO FAME: Putting out mindless, pleasantly non-offensive pop albums in the early 80's which turned her into a sex symbol and a fashion plate--and then she inexplicably became an icon, as well as one of the most powerful women in entertainment. Which ain't too shabby, considering she's from a small town in Michigan, the state where NOTHING ever happens. (And I should know, man, I'm fucking stuck living here.) Oh, and did I mention her LARGE, lovely, bouncy hooters?

THOUGHTS: Okay, stop busting my balls about the lack of a Classic Broad last month. April is always rough for me, especially since I recently turned 30 and discovered that I am, in fact, still a complete loser. So, I did what any sensible man in my situation would do... I crawled into a
bottle of booze for a few weeks and assaulted my poor liver into oblivion. You should see the collection of empty beer bottles at my place right now. I couldn't tell you exactly how many bottles are here, but let me put it this way... you know how sand is used in making glass? I think I could have cleared out all the sand in Miami Beach, and then some.

But I'm feeling MUCH better now.

Anyway, I caught one of Madonna's old videos ("Lucky Star") on Vh-1 Classic recently and it brought back a few warm, fuzzy memories. I didn't pay all that much attention to her music in the early days of her career, but her videos always got my undivided attention. She wasn't a classic beauty by any means, but she was sexy as hell. I dug the mole on her lip and the gap between her two front teeth. And did I mention those gorgeous KNOCKERS? Oh yeah, so I did. But it's hard for me to talk or write about Madonna without mentioning those wonderful, wonderful jugs. Say what you will, but I say that woman has the best rack in all of music.

Ahhh, and let's not forget the "Material Girl" video. Sure the song sucked, but Madonna looked fucking hot in her red Marilyn Monroe get-up as she frolicked around with a bunch of dorky guys. Not long after the video came out, I taped my first Madonna poster to my bedroom wall. It was a picture of her wearing a black mesh top with a blue bra underneath, giving the camera a great "come fuck me" look. I used to lie in bed and stare at that poster for hours, thinking the obscene thoughts that only an adolescent mind can conjure up.

My goal in life was simple--I wanted to see Madonna naked. And believe it or not, this was not a goal easily obtained in the early 80's. Yes, kids, there was a time when not everybody on the face of the earth had seen nude photos of Madonna. These days, naked pictures of her can be found on almost every website known to mankind. Back then, all we had to see were some nude modeling photos she did in 1979 that showed up in a 1985 issue of Penthouse.

But alas, I had no means of acquiring this issue of Penthouse. I was only 11-years-old, and the clerk at 7-11 kept the dirty magazines out of the reach of minors. (Fucker.) The closest I came to seeing the pictures outright was when a guy was thumbing through the issue at the counter as I strolled by. I remember trying to be inconspicuous as I craned my neck over to get a gander at Madonna's goose. Unfortunately, the only part of her naked anatomy I got a good look at was her hairy armpits. And that shit was confusing to a young kid like me--I walked home that day with a weird feeling in my stomach, a feeling somewhere between disgust and arousal.

Now, almost 20 years later, my Madonna fetish continues. I realize that most male Madonna fans are homos, but there's a big difference between me and them. See, I just want to bang her, while homos want to BE her--the same way they want to be Cher. And while I can safely say that
I've always liked looking at Madonna, I've never wanted to look LIKE her. Hell, that would actually kind of suck. I'd be too busy constantly feeling myself up to ever get anything done...

STILL HOT?: A matter of opinion, of course. I know that a lot of you never thought she was hot to begin with, but we're all entitled to our own tastes. She's still in great shape these days, but maybe a little too muscular and sinewy for my liking. I happened to catch that piece of shit "Swept Away" on cable and her skin was looking a wee bit leathery, too. Still, her "Ray of Light" and "Beautiful Stranger" videos had her looking pretty hot and managed to evoke that familiar, involuntary reaction in my pants. And even though her "faux British" accent pisses me off, I still dig this woman and would boldly go where men like Dennis Rodman have gone before.

-JTL

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