NAME: Samantha Fox

CLAIM TO FAME: She's probably best known for her cheesy, dance/pop songs in the mid-80's. And much like nowadays, you didn't need to be able to sing to get a recording contract... you just had to look good. Having been a topless model with HUGE, natural fun bags, Samantha had the
"looking good" thing down pact. "Naughty girls need love, too"? Indeed...

THOUGHTS: My first exposure (and I mean that word literally) to Samantha Fox came in 1985. In the city where I grew up, these's this music store called Rock of Ages. The best way I can describe this place is to say it was kind of like Sam Goody, only cool. It looked more like an attic than a record store, with dusty bins filled with cool shit that you couldn't get just anywhere. They had stuff like Black Flag, The Misfits, The Cramps--and it was rumored you could buy bongs and other drug-related shit, too. To put it another way, it was the store that every kid in the city loved and every parent hated.

I bought a lot of music there growing up, and most of my Beatles t-shirts as well. But what I REALLY liked about the place was its huge selection of posters--especially the ones of a young, topless Samantha Fox.

Ahhh, what a joy it was! They had at least five "larger than life" posters of Samantha at any given time, and you could just stand there and gawk at her 34 DD's for as long as you wanted. Sure, I was underage and probably shouldn't have been looking at these pictures. But as luck would have it, Rock of Ages employed mostly teenage potheads who didn't care about what the fuck I was doing, so long as I didn't bother them. That's the great thing about stoners--they plain don't give a shit about ANYTHING. I should know, too, seeing as how I used to be one.

I guess it was only a matter of time before Samantha became a recording artist. After all, she had everything she needed--a great smile, huge knockers and a tendency to dress in skimpy clothing. Could she sing? Nahh, but nobody gave a shit when they saw how good she looked in the videos. She was a tiny thing, at just over five feet tall--but that just made those hooters look even bigger, ala Raquel Welch. Both "Touch Me" (I Want Your Body)" and "Naughty Girls Need Love, Too" became hit songs in the 80's. This proves two things--number one, some people will listen to ANYTHING. Number two, posing naked is a good thing to do when you're a smokin' hot babe... it might even lead to a successful music career! Hell, you can just ask Vanessa Williams if you don't believe me.

But you know what really sucked? I knew some kids at the time who swore up and down that in addition to being a topless model, Samantha was also a porn star. Nobody knew any names of her so-called porno movies, but there were supposedly some hardcore tapes in circulation. This drove me absolutely crazy--I mean, the thought of those monster jugs bouncing up and down while she got rammed doggy style was almost too much for my horny young mind to handle. Thus began my impossible quest to find a Samantha Fox porno movie. I say "impossible" because such movies simply didn't exist. As I found out years later, there was, in fact, a porn star named Samantha Fox. (And I'm sure there was a Samantha Foxxx, too.) But this wasn't the same well-endowed Brit with the bland singing voice that I fell in lust with--it was some other, much skankier broad. What a
fucking bummer. These days, I'd chalk the whole thing up to just another one of those childhood disappointments.

In researching this column, I did a Google search on Samantha Fox and found out that she has an official website. Since I know nothing about her other than her cup size, I decided to check it out and see if I could get some info on her. Here's some quotes from her
"Biography" section, as well as some comments from me;

"When the press announced Britain's 'most photographed women' they were: Margaret Thatcher, Princess Diana and Sam Fox."

That's an interesting list there--a dried up old lady, a dead chick and Samantha Fox. Of course, it's not too hard to get photographs taken of you when you're willing to pop your top, is it? Maybe Margaret Thatcher should consider that... on second thought, maybe not.

"Not since the Beatles has a British personality been so well known all over the world, across a complete cross section of age, sex, race and religion."

Gee, I thought comparing herself to Princess Di was a stretch--now she's comparing herself to the fucking Beatles??? Christ almighty, get a grip, babe. The Beatles changed the course of music and, in doing so, changed history. You just showed off your admittedly lovely knockers, and now
you think you're in the same category as they are? Yeah, right... I'll bet if I asked five people about you, three of them wouldn't even know who the fuck you are anymore.

"Sam Fox has been compared to Marilyn Monroe and Madonna, not least because she possesses the same fascinating vitality and allure."

At this point, I had to stop reading. This broad is just too fucking delusional for her own good. Here's a reality check, honey... the ONLY way you're ever going to be mentioned in the same breath as Marilyn Monroe and Madonna is if somebody compiles a list entitled "Chicks With
Gigantic Racks".

You know what? I'm done talking about this broad. I mean, God knows she doesn't need more of an ego boost. Let's just stop talking about her and enjoy the pictures.... ahhh....

STILL HOT? I saw her recently on a Vh-1 special, and she still looks decent despite a few wrinkles here and there. However, she's lost quite a few pounds--and you know what that means. Those DD's have shrank considerably since her heyday. I'd still bang her, though... hard. While
I was at it, maybe I could even bang a little common sense and modesty into her...

-JTL

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