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© DeansPlanet Media LLC

by Tyrone, staff writer

DP Columns / Tyrone Jones

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THUMBS BE DOWN

The Rock
Wit his secon' place openin uh his new flick Walkin Tall, he has proved once a guen dat he be a bonefied movie star. See what I'm sayin? He be de mos sucessful wrestluh turned actor uh all time, mo popular than Hulk Hogan or Jesse Ventura. An' to think dat he thought enough 'bouthis fans to return to wrestlin in between his movies. bad assed homeys likes De Rock be hard to fin' in de entertainment induskry, an shit. Thanks Rocky an' a big thumbs up goes to you!

Kelly Osbourne
Oh I feel so sorry fuh dis li'l skank who has everythin in de world she wants but she still feels likes she needs to blow duckets on drugs an' abuse huh body, an shit. Didn't she learn anythin from huh brain dead Dad? I mean dis homeyis a walkin anti-drug poster. I watched evary episode uh de Osbornes an' I can admit dat from now in I live a clean lifestyle. I'aint want to en' up likes Ozzy an' has all those fuckin dogs.

Janet Jackson
Aftuh all dat Supuh Bowl shit, Janet has a new bangin album, produced by Jermain Dupree. Here be a smart sistuh, she learned from J-Lo dat if you date a music producuh, yo albums will turn out fat. She will probably dump him soon aftuh de album sells millions an' try to git wit a white actor, den preten' dat dey be so in love an' plan a marriage. Den she might do an awul movie wit him, den break up, only to go back to an olf boyfriend.

Tom Cruise
He actually broke up wit hot mammasita Penelope Cruz. Sorry Tom but you ain't gettin any younguh an' yo looks be quite dere anymore. So, I would recommen' doin what Michael Douglas did an' dat's findin a nice young piece uh ass an' marryin her. See what I'm sayin? Den has huh plop out some kids fuh some added extra security, an shit. He needs to git his shit skraight or de only piece uh ass he gonna be gettin be a Scientology altuh boy.

Diana Ross
Dey be makin a really big deal out uh dis sister's DUI. Meanwhile back at de ranch, Robert Downey Jr. See what I'm sayin? be sniffin coke an' winnin awards, Nick Nolte gets busted fuh de same shit yet stars in De Hulk las year an' actor Jason Patric attempts to beat up cops las week in Texass. You ain't hear shit 'boutthem do you? Jus fuh once I want to see a white dude git busted fuh crum snacha molestin or killin his hoe.

Jesse Palmer
NY Giants quarterback. Dis losuh needs to worry 'bouthis job in de NFL an' tryin to his bes to make sho dat de Giants make de God damn playoffs. likes some millionare mothuh fuckuh needs help findin a hoe anyway, an shit. Fuckin stupid ass secon' skrin backup quarterback scrub, nobody wants yo non pos season non spiral throwin stupid ass.

Colin Powell
Secretary uh State Colin Powell has conceded dat evidence he presented to de United Nations dat two trailers in Iraq wuz uset fuh gats uh mass deskruction may be wrong. Here be a homey who can admit dat he may has made a mistake. De only probem be who cares? Dis homey who I think wuz my faduh always uset to say dat de ends justify de means. If Abe Lincoln nevuh stepped in an' freed de slaves, we would still be livin likes de folk uh Iraq befo we freeddem!

Dean S. Planet
This mothuh fuckuh moved de headquarters uh de Greates Website uh all Time an' didn't evun tell me. One mornin I woke up an' went to de office an' foun' a note on de front doe sayin dat DeansPlanet has moved. He couldn't evun call me an' tell me, I had to fin' out from a damn note on a doe. sho I may owe him duckets fuh rent (I slept in de basement), but still dis be no way to treat one uh de origianl columnists uh dis site.