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© DeansPlanet Media LLC

by Tyrone, staff writer

DP Columns / Tyrone Jones

THUMBS BE UP

THUMBS BE DOWN

Condoleeza Rice
All de middle aged white homeys in de world can axe huh any question dey want an' she will stay cool an' calm. Dis be a sistuh dat all hoes can look up to as inspiration an' as a true role model. An' to think dat dey believe she noed somethin 'boutterrorists befo 9-11 or anythin 'boutthe whereabouts uh Bin Laden. Shit, she probably doesn't evun noed how to drive likes mos uh de hoes out dere. She probably puts lipstick on while makin turns. Evun though, I give huh much respect.

David Beckham
This homeyis goin to fuck up his marriage an' his lavish lifestyle. He needs to learn to keep his li'l dick in his tighty whities. If lives a hell uh a life. Dat hoe uh his has a lot uh duckets uh huh own, dat means he doesn't gotta play fuh evary sinle pedicure, shoppin trips an' trips to de salon. If he feels de need to continue to be a playuh, he needs to pick de right hoes who will keep quite. Dis can be done if you setdem up wit some duckets an' a new car. See what I'm sayin? I noed dis from experience.

Barry Bonds
Ah de next great one, right here unduh our noses to smell likes a newly tossed into de hampuh jockskrap. Anothuh homey makes his way into American sports history, an shit. I'z sho dat fat ass Babe Ruth be turnin in his grave. I would bet my part-time job's paycheck dat de Babe had slaves anyway so screw him. An' no he didn't take steroids. ain't believe de hype on dat one. And if anyone got something to say about it, do it to my face.

John Stamos
Why be he famous? It's not from his critically acclaimed wuk on Full House. Evun de Olsen Twins wont talk to him anymo aftuh Rebecca announced de separation. Now he can squirm back into de lonely world uh Hollywood obscurity, an shit. Now she will has mo time to be in movies an' concentrate on huh horrible actin skills. Thanks John, you dumb mo fo.

Randy Jackson
Randy has become a mo betta judge on American idol dis year. See what I'm sayin? He be mo hones an' he ain't kiddin Paula Abdul's ass. I think de weight loss be helpin him think clearer. See what I'm sayin? I can only imagine how his min' uset to drift off durin a performance wit thoughts uh Philly cheese steaks or Papa John's pizza or whatever. See what I'm sayin? Now he only has rice cakes an' watuh to dream of. I noed dat would make me pay attention an' give a bad assed an' hones review uh de contestants.

Howard Stern
I seen he had Al Franken on de E! show de othuh night where he said he wuz a big fan uh him an' all trough de interview he kept kissin his ass. He mentioned dat he read Al's book an' dat he kaint hol' up to hear his radio show. Who would has thought dat one day Howard would proclaim dat he be a liberal supportuh when all he really is, be a Bush hater.. What a sad day in de life uh de Kin uh all Media, Howard Stern.

Jennifer Hudson
Anothuh thumbs up 'soshe-ated wit American Idol. Well, Jennifuh has transformed herself from a two bit freak into a fine ass songskress who I believe will win de competition. I finally gets to see huh lates performance, which wuz postponed by de fuckin Pres, an' she came out an' represented. If anyone knows how I can git huh digits, please email Dean. I ain't has a comp so he relays my messages via my celly.

Donald Trump
Can dis mothuh fuckuh git anymo rich? folk really likes his show but I despise dis man. What has he done fuh de folk uh New York? Shit, Bill Gates gives millions uh bucks away to charity, an shit. What has dis homeydone but continue to roll in de dough. An' seriously, kaint a couple million buy dis homeya haircut? De only thin I can think uh be dat its a wig. Trump: You're A Dick!