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© DeansPlanet Media LLC

by Tyrone, staff writer

DP Columns / Tyrone Jones

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Eddie Murphy
He may be one uh de bigges movie stars uh all time. Las week, Shrek 2 broke all kinds uh records an' if you take a look at all de movies he be in, it will truly make you shit yo pants. In fact, his Lifetime Gross Total fuh de 30 movies he be in be $2,723,076,213. yeah, dat's BILLION.That's an average uh $90,769,207 a film. Can you bank on Cruise fuh dat much? be dere a bigguh movie star out dere? Imagine what dis guy's crib looks like, damn.

George Noory
H as you heard dis radio show called Coas 2 Coas AM? I wuz drivin home from DC a couple days ago an' I heard dis nonsense. folk call up an' tell de hos how dey be abducted by aliens an' shit an' he believesdem. What a wuzte uh air time. Den he keeps talkin 'bouthow dere be no such thins as coincidences. HA HA. Anothuh one uh his favorite thins to say be "I believe in dat, I really do". KOO KOO.

Fantasia Burrino
We all noed she wuz goin to win months ago. If she lost, it wuz goin to be likes de Rodney Kin riots. folk would has looted an' burnt down de Kodak Deatuh in Hollywood. It should has come down to Jennifuh Hudson an' Fanstasia but no, all de folk from Hawaii had to ruin it. Den George Huff wuz kicked off. evary white person in America wuz prayin an' votin fuh Dianna to win HA HA.

Carnie Wilson
This idiot made a big deal out uh how much weight she lost. She didn't evun lose it de right way, she gets huh nasty stomach stapled. She den made us look at huh naked body in Playboy, an shit. Well now she be fat a guen an' we ain't hear from huh at all. I think I'm down wit dat it dat way bettuh, fat an' quiet.

Snoop Dog
I still call him Snoop Doggy Dog evun though he dropped de Dog from de end. Snoop has become a major star in Hollywood. Dis proves dat you kaint keep a skrong homey down. His lates flick be Soul Plane. He be de pilot an' captain uh de firs all black airlines. One thin fucked up I gotta say 'bouthim though be dat since he has stopped smokin weed, he ain't as funny as shit as he uset to be. I would advise him to git back on de Chronic.

Pat Benatar
This dumb broad be now de spokesperson fuh some hearin aids fuh some company, an shit. Nothin says dat you be a wuzhed up losuh likes tryin to hock products fuh de elderly, an shit. I wish folk likes huh from de 80s would jus go de hell away, nobody wants to hear 'boutthem or care what dey be doin wit deir stupid two hit wonduh asses.

Oprah Winfrey
She may act white but deep down inside I noed dere be a sistuh dyin to git out. She has kept all huh weight off fuh a record 6 months now an' dis makes me very proud uh her. See what I'm sayin? If dat idiot Stedman doesn't axe huh to marry him now, he mus be gay.

Quentin Tarantino
I seen Kill Bill 1&2 an' witout a doubt dis homeyis de mos overrated directors in de history uh cinema. I'z a big fan uh Kung Fu an' what he did to dis art in dese two films be tragic. An' to top dat, he ain't got evun tried to mack on Uma evun though she be on de serious rebound. Maybe he be gay, an shit.