by Daniel "Tanz" Lattanzio, staff writer

This June 11th marks a new low point in movie cinema – for me, at least. That is the day that Hollywood is going to puke up the fishy smelling fur ball that is Garfield the Movie. If my day is going well and I find myself feeling chipper, I can take solace in the fact that one viewing of the movie trailer can successfully piss me off for a good hour or two afterward. In fact, the movie trailer possesses the strange ability to actually suck out and destroy any laughter that may emit from me within the near future.

Okay, I’ll concede that this is probably just a movie to take the kids to see, and that it might not even be that bad; that is not my main beef. My biggest problem is a one word question: “Why?” I realize my problem isn’t really with the movie itself, but the subject matter. When was the last time you – hell, anyone – found Garfield amusing? In fact, if you can find someone over the age of six that finds Garfield amusing, chances are they have been beaten over the head with a baseball bat, Joe Pesci-like, for two straight hours – and if they haven’t, then they probably should be.

Allow me to sum up nearly every Garfield strip – there are only a few variations:

1. Jon, Garfield’s owner, states that Garfield is fat. Garfield snidely replies.
2. Garfield plays a trick on the dog, Odie. Garfield feels smug.
3. Garfield eats something that he shouldn’t.
4. Jon does something stupid. Garfield remarks disparagingly.
5. Garfield does something zany. Other character comments.

There, I just saved you from having to read 25 years of past comic strips (and 40 books) of this Heathcliff rip-off – and Heathcliff isn’t funny to begin with.

Daily comic strips haven’t been funny in a long time, granted, but this cat should have been put down 20 years ago. So why make a movie now? Is it just an excuse for movie makers to play with their computers and produce another shitty cartoon character in 3D special effects interacting with human actors in live action? After sitting through Scooby-Doo, all I can say is, “No thanks!”

Let’s see: Garfield is fat, lazy and likes to spend his time eating lasagna. While these aren’t bad goals, they aren’t exactly the best qualities that a main protagonist should possess; it’s hard to “drive the action” of a movie when you’re napping. And call me crazy, but I have trouble believing that the syndication company that keeps the strips in the newspapers finds it funny; perhaps they are some type of corporate sadists that delight in inflicting IQ-lowering pseudo-humor related mind pains on the comic-reading public.

Which leads me to my theory that Jim Davis, creator of Garfield, died sometime in the mid to late 80’s, and, since then, a team of emotionless robots have been writing and drawing the Garfield strip. Then another team of highly cynical robots goes in afterward and cleans out any accidental humor from the comic that may have creeped in. A third team of, possibly gay, robots then sits around waiting for the royalty checks to roll in from this over-merchandised cartoon cow…I mean, cat.

I’ll be honest, I had a couple of the books as a kid, back when they were in the single digits, and I didn’t really find them funny then. My mom probably bought them for me because, as a mom, she found Garfield “cute.” The only other reasonable explanation is that my mom was drunk, which is excusable. I read the books and immediately responded by not laughing, not even a snicker. And 25 years later, I’m still not laughing.

So, it looks like I’ll be sitting through the summer movies, as fast food companies have their Garfield combo with free themed giveaways, such as figures with “real litter-scratching action!” Feh, I think I’ll stay at home and watch my own cat, who is just as fat and far more entertaining – just watching him trying to jump up somewhere makes me chuckle. Uh-oh, I chuckled. I better watch the movie trailer again…