by Daniel "Tanz" Lattanzio, staff writer

On the heels of the “Bennifer” marriage dissolution, news is coming down about the latest celebrity break-up. A forty-plus year relationship that none of us ever thought would end has finally gone the way of Alec and Kim.

That’s right: Ken and Barbie are single again.

Yes, you read that right – THAT Barbie and Ken. But, the real question is: why the fuck is this news??? It made front page here in Detroit, and even CNN is reporting it!

Mattel issued a press release stating that, although the couple is separated, they remain friends. A “business manager” for Barbie says they need to “spend some time apart.” I knew Barbie had a ‘Vette and other neat things – but a “business manager?” I never saw that accessory when I used to work in a toy store. And why would dolls need to spend time apart? This whole thing just doesn’t make sense!

For the record: I don’t give two shits about Brad and Jennifer – two REAL people I might add – so I ask again: why the fuck is this in the news??? What dim-witted editor allowed this?
Better question: how the fuck can they even break up? Last time I checked, they were soulless, inanimate pieces of plastic. What’s next? Am I going to find that my television is cheating on my VCR with my DVD player? (No…that’s old news, now…)

Who was the fuckwad that actually wrote out the press release, and what dipshits actually concocted this idea? How the fuck can they sleep at night? I couldn’t imagine trying to suggest this idea to my boss – so I imagine this was probably such type of a panel decision. That’s right, a group of people probably came up with this idea – probably image consultants! This just boils down to the fact that Mattel is getting their asses handed to them by the newest hot toy, Bratz, and needs some hype to boost up sales. Now, Barbie is tanner and dresses even skimpier. They are even adding a new Australian surfer love interest named Blaine for her. I did not make that last bit up.

I’m surprised I didn’t see this in the Enquirer: “Barbie dumps homo Ken for surf hunk!” Maybe that is their next ad campaign.

Hmmm…now that J. Lo and Ken are both single, will we be hearing that they are the next hot item? Only if there is a news day slower than today…