by Daniel "Tanz" Lattanzio, staff writer

Some unexpected surgery sidetracked me, so I apologize for the delay. I’m going to finish my two part rant of random observations and odd thoughts I started when it was actually still summer. But, alas, warm days have gone the way of the Dodo, unless you live in, say, Brazil (which, coincidentally enough, most of my virus-packed e-mail comes from). Of course, I’m sure Florida residents aren’t going to miss the season; they’ve had so many hurricanes and storms that this may just be the beginning of locust season, followed by a mild and breezy Second Coming. Mount St. Helens getting excited isn’t exactly making me feel better. But, I’m probably just paranoid.

The wife and I went to a Jewel concert this summer. (I admit, I kinda like Jewel…especially her rack. Who could forget that photo on the CD for Pieces of You?) As we made our way through the parking lot, we overheard some teenage girls commenting about the show despairingly. Why were they upset? Because – and this is an actual quote – “She didn’t even have any back-up dancers!” Thanks a lot Mtv! Now, “Foolish Games” just isn’t complete without scantly-clad ladies writhing in unison behind yodeled lyrics. I’m surprised they didn’t wonder aloud about that “guitar-thing” she was holding; after all, what popular musicians these days play instruments?

VH1 has completed their search and have cast, with America’s help, the new Partridge Family. Now, maybe it’s just me, but I was completely unaware there was any public outcry demanding the return of this show in any form. Anyone who called in and voted and was not related in any way to the contestants needs to find a fucking hobby. There is no justification one could give me that could make me believe that calling in was a better way to spend time than, say, drilling holes in that fleshy webbing between your thumb and index finger. (Admit it – you just looked down at your hands and examined said webbing.)

Speaking of VH1, I have to admit that The Surreal Life has given me a new respect for Flavor Flav; the guy is talented and a blast to watch! By the way, I know the show is for second and third-rate celebrities – but American Idol rejects like Ryan Starr? How’d she get on? How many people cancelled at the last minute that forced the producers to pick her? Was Kim Fields doing another dating show? At least Dana Plato has an excuse why she couldn’t make it – but she’d be far better than Starr. She could be strung up like a marionette and they could have the guy who voices Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, deliver her lines. I know how sick it sounds, but it’s a far better alternative.

I mentioned in the last column that I went to Toronto for vacation. Something I forgot to mention was the story that was all over the news about “Elvis, the hero dog.” You see, apparently some guy was walking through a Canadian park when he happened upon Elvis, and they played for a bit. The man was so touched by the good-natured canine that he marched himself right to the police station and turned himself in. You see, the guy was armed to the teeth and was on his way to commit acts that make my Grand Theft Auto: Vice City rampages seem tame. The kind-hearted and playful Elvis touched the man’s soul, I guess, and made him rethink his dark ways. Now, I’m from Detroit – if this story had happened there, the guy would have taken the dog and the two of them would have gone on a shooting spree adventure together like some bizarro version of the movie K-9, but funnier. In fact, when I was a student at Wayne State University, I was having lunch in the student commons when some major commotion broke out and the hallways flooded with people until all I could see from my chair was an impassible mass of human bodies. I was happily munching on a slice of pizza and couldn’t be bothered to actually rise from my chair and see what was sparking the hubbub. It was only later that, while watching the news, I found out that a girl had been raped by a homeless guy in one of the bathrooms in the commons not 25 yards away from where I was sitting. So, maybe that would explain why someone like me has trouble understanding how Elvis was a leading story nightly for days. But, then again, I was just surprised there was a Canadian that not only owns guns, but also had the ability to even consider shooting a human. Canadian niceness creeps me out sometimes…

Just as an aside, but I am totally addicted to the game Zuma. It’s like the “new” Tetris. I will beat you Level 12!!!

I know it’s growing, but I wonder if Satellite Radio will ever REALLY catch on. I listen to the radio in the car, but not for long, because I switch to my mix CDs for the drive into work. At my desk, I listen to my local morning show over the web. Although I do like listening to talk radio, I don’t see myself ever paying for it. What it comes down to is that I don’t listen to the radio enough to justify shelling out extra cash for the service. Mind you, I used to travel for work 80% of the time, and still didn’t see the need for it.

There are a slew of shows where people get their houses and cars “made over” and “pimped out,” respectively. Do you ever wonder what this does to people’s insurance rates? I bet that’d be fun to explain to my agent. “Yes, AAA? Yeah, I need to review my policy. Yeah, I still have my ’04 Focus, but I did some upgrades to it. You see, I had the chassis raised and put on some neat 16” spinning rims. Oh yeah, I also removed the steering wheel airbag and put in an LCD TV. Oh…I see…I’m going to take a hit on disabling a safety feature. Well, I also installed some fold-out chairs in the boot and installed a PS2 and an Xbox. No, people don’t sit in the trunk and play while I drive. That doesn’t matter? Okay. Well, let’s say, hypothetically, I also removed the back seat and put in a wet bar – what would that do to my insurance? Cancel it? No, no…I, um, didn’t do that. What if the wet bar was only stocked with hypothetical Coke and Mountain Dew? Same thing? Even the diet stuff? Okay, let me call you back…”

Well, I’m going to wrap this up for now. I always have these kinds of things running through my head, so expect to see future editions of this. Unless I find it boring. Whatever. See you guys next time!