by Daniel "Tanz" Lattanzio, staff writer

It's no secret that, as a whole, Americans are stupid... The rest of the world considers American intelligence an oxymoron. Now, we all do stupid things from time to time, but I'm talking about the general populace that would rather have their opinions and ideas delivered to them wrapped in a jingle and laced in a short, metered rhyme. They are the ones I can't stand, but some love their simple-mindedness.

While the world snickers, corporations bank on that stupidity; they count on their audience – the average American – to just accept whatever is handed to them without a second thought. Companies hire ad agencies to make their products appeal to as many people as possible. Sometimes, I'll watch television just for humor factor of the commercials. I don't mean ones that are witty or humorous (those are quite rare); I am talking about watching for the things that don't make sense, are slipped in quickly or are just obvious examples of contempt for their consumers. Here are some of my current “favorites.”

When Bambi was recently released on DVD, there was a sentence along the lines of “restored beyond the original release.” Think about that for a second: “restored” followed by “beyond…original.” I would love to know how they are bending the rules of reality, but the last time I checked, nothing can be restored beyond the original condition. You see, the rules of time and space that I live under decree that you can only restore something TO the original state; anything beyond that is an enhancement. The commercial tried to prove this by showing a faded clip of Bambi side by side with the restored frames. I not really sure what they were trying to prove with this, other than faded cartoons, even sixty year old ones, suck.

I've come to enjoy Trimspa commercials of late, but not for the reason you'd probably suspect. While Anna Nicole Smith is one of the best train wrecks on two legs, and trying to look for her plastic surgery scars is more entertaining than it sounds, none of her ads are the one that stands out. They have a spot where “real people” show off the effects of the wonder product, but it all comes to a grinding halt in one word. The voice-over speaks like a rapid fire machine gun, especially on the line, “results are amazing, astounding and atypical.” Say that aloud. Now say it fast. See what I mean? Sneaky shit, eh? Someone that desperately believes that they do not need to eat right and exercise to lose weight will more than likely hear “results are…typical.” These assholes count on you hearing what you want to hear and play off that. That's why I always pay close attention to any spot I'm interested in.

Here's something to watch for: whenever a commercial shows a pizza guy delivering his tasty wares, you never see him get paid – even if he walks away. I wish I lived in that free-pizza universe. Of course, they don't want you to associate the concept of receiving their product and having to pay. This may cause you to think twice about whether you actually need what they are selling. At least they don't just tell you no to think. Oh wait…I'll come back to that.

Okay, I understand the cellular phone ring tones are big money right now, but anyone that orders one after seeing a shitty CG bird tweet it out needs to clean the roof of their mouth with a gun barrel. My message to them is, “You're too impressionable to have any form of disposable income. Please remove yourself from the gene pool before the rest of us are forced to deal with your brood.” Of course, these people would have no idea what the word “brood” even means…

Then there are some commercials that just leave me wondering. For example, pet foods that claim they have improved flavor or a great taste my pet will love. I know, I know – these lines are for the benefit of the humans controlling the purse strings, but I am always puzzled by these ads. Do they have people eat the food, or do they employ some type of specially trained, highly intelligent cats and dogs with discerning tastes? I see these spots, and can't help thinking about the occasional news story about some old lady with ten cats that is found dead in her home, but only after the hungry cats have eaten her soft, tasty face. Listen, I hate to say it, but I have watched dogs happily eat cat shit and cats munch down their own vomit – I doubt that minor flavor adjustments will matter to them. The only commercials with a greater “what the fuck?” factor are for sleep medications that mention “drowsiness” as a side effect.

But, the biggest offender, the one that makes me envy the retarded, is the one for Orbitz. I don't even know where to begin, so let me break this down:

1: Its brightly colored, Flash animation-style is designed to stand out and catch the eye in the most insulting way possible. I love Flash animations, so if you're going to try the style, try to do it well. Instead, it is a jumble of purples and blues that would make a child cry.

2: Its slogan: “Don't think twice,” which ends up becoming shortened when a crowd is exclaiming “Don't think!” This is one of the best examples of advertisers completely disregarding the consumers and insulting their intelligence. Before someone has a chance to consider whether or not they really need the services of Orbitz, they tell…no…command you not to think about it. Maybe it is just me, but if I'm going to spend my money, I like to consider what I'm spending it on, and a company that doesn't even WANT me to think is just unsavory. (On the other hand, mindless consumers are a marketing person's wet dream; they jerk off to the idea of little money zombies – notice the blue hue of the people in the commercial – that just spend their cash on whatever they are told to.) In some ways, it is the next step in the evolution of Nike's “Just Do It” campaign. Here, they merely imply that people “just do it” without giving a thought to the consequences. In fact, and this is just my opinion, if Hitler were alive today, and was going to advertise his new Fourth Reich, this would be the ad he would use. I believe the concept of “don't think” and doing whatever one is told without thinking about the results would be right up his alley. Which brings me to my next beef…

3: At one point, someone asks “Who'll feed my goldfish?” and crowd mindlessly yells, “Don't think!” For one, did this guy even express any interest in travel? No, he was only concerned about his goldfish, a worry that Orbitz doesn't seem to share. What are they saying here? Leave your life in ruins and let your pets die, just buy tickets from us immediately and get the hell away? This is just irresponsible and, frankly, offensive. I'm not into goldfish (I believe that any animal you can't pet or play with is merely food for another animal), but I have nothing against them. Goldfish are quiet, they don't bother anyone and are pretty low maintenance. Overall, goldfish are good people, and deserve more respect than what Orbitz is willing to give them. Between this commercial, and their lovely tactic of pop-up advertising, has made driving to my next long-distance destination sound much more pleasant.

I had a chance about a year or so back to attend a focus group where they sat us down and had us watch a bunch of commercials and fill out the comment cards. I finally had the power to be heard, so I went fully intending to criticize the hell out of whatever lame ads they were going to show us. But, they were so lame, I just grew bored and left silly comments. Such as, when they played a spot for some lip gloss or lipstick or whatever, I explained that their commercial “shamed me because of my lip shape.” Well, I believe that if they're going to treat me like an idiot, I guess I'll give them what they expect. Besides, they paid me, and it is also my belief that I should be paid for my opinion; not that advertisers would want it anyway – anyone that can outwit a garbage bag is of no use to them.