by Daniel "Tanz" Lattanzio, staff writer

Okay, you're probably thinking the title is a metaphor or even a euphemism, but it is not. Allow me to explain…

Because Lance just won his seventh consecutive Tour De France, I decided to read up on him. Before, all I knew of this future culinary delight was that: 1. He rode bikes for work and 2. He rode Sheryl Crow for fun. Like most Americans, I have no interest in the Tour De France and a passing interest in Sheryl Crow.

So, I Googled and Wikipedia'd and learned all kinds of neat stuff. As I said, he just celebrated his seventh win and retired from his Tour De France career; yes, I said career. I guess he has completely mastered the bicycle; he might get Sheryl to take him in to test for his driver's license now that he has hit the pinnacle of pedaling.

I kid, I kid.

The more I read, the more fascinated I became. I recall hearing about his testicular cancer. I hadn't realized that the cancer has spread to his lungs and brain and he had little chance to survive. Anyone that beats cancer is okay in my book. But then I read about his supposedly larger than normal heart and the way that his lungs can process oxygen far better than the average person's.

The guy gets cancer that goes all the way to his brain and, with treatment, plucks the offending ball away and keeps going? There is no way you can not have respect for a man like that.

I think he is some kind of superhuman, an ubermensch (no relation to Nietzsche) that is man's ideal form…or something. I thought about his accomplishments and came up with the following list that is not listed anywhere else:

• Lance Armstrong was the first person to shrink himself down to the size of a microchip.
• Lance Armstrong can talk to fish.
• Lance Armstrong's red blood cells can sing. However, they are tone deaf.
• Lance Armstrong can see into the infrared spectrum.
• Lance Armstrong can kill termites with his mind.

Okay…I made those up. But I cannot disprove them either.

Anyone else would think that we should start a cult around him and pretend he can heal with his touch (I need to add that to his accomplishments), handing out poorly-photocopied pamphlets proclaiming his virtues. But I'm not anyone else.

I think he should EAT him!

Now, I can't cook, so I'm not sure how a seven-time Tour de France winner should be prepared; I will leave that up to those with fire-skills.

Overall, I think I support cannibalism; it has existed at some point in nearly every culture. It is great for population control and punishment. I don't think we should eat the sick or the young, just those who are healthy and deserve it. Think about it: how many assholes do you know that just deserve to be grilled? I know many, just off the top of my head.

Sure, you may think I'm extreme now, but after a generation or two, seeing a McSteve with a side of French-fried Jens will seem perfectly normal.

Back to Lance: he is a superior specimen of Homo sapiens – it would be the most honorable thing we could do for him. Sure, one can get a fat endorsement contract from Nike, or some award from Sports Illustrated – but what better way can someone know how much they truly mean to others unless they know that people want to eat them? Besides, maybe we'll get some super anti-cancer and breathing abilities as a side effect!

Okay, maybe this is going too far, but I do admire the guy for beating cancer, But, I think I admire him more for being able to turn riding a bicycle, something that George Carlin referred to as just a toy, into an actual career. Besides, overall, I don't think he'd taste very good medium-rare.

Your friend, Tanz
Email: darktanz@excite.com
AIM: DanielAtDP
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