Artie Lange was coming to Pittsburgh to appear at the Funny Bone Comedy Club at Station Square and according to the owner of the club Jeff Schneider on his radio talk show (The Unshow, weekdays 2 to 3, 1550 AM The Edge) this would be Artie’s final appearance there. Artie was moving in to the larger theaters. For that reason alone I had to go and I reserved my seat weeks in advance. And boy am I glad I did. It turned out that seeing Artie for his final appearance at the Funny Bone paled in comparison to the historic event that occurred over this 4 sold out show weekend.

I had met Artie briefly a few years before at the old Funny Bone when he was in town performing with Stuttering John and Friends. It was an awesome show but what really made the night special for me was getting to meet everyone and getting their autographs and a really cool pic together. I had written an article about my Howard Stern autograph collection for the national magazine AUTOGRAPH COLLECTOR and I got my subscription copy in the mail just days before the show. Not on the newsstands yet, I brought my hot off the press magazine to the club. They all signed the magazine for me with Artie signing over the Jackie Martling photo that was in my article. Haha A very nice in-person autograph experience and a fond memory, but I always thought a signed head-shot from Artie would be a better addition to the shrine. I mailed Artie that request on three separate occasions since that meeting. Unfortunately, like Stuttering John when he was with the Stern show, Artie proved to be a tough in-the-mail autograph to get. He never responded to me. John, by the way, went from worst to the best in-the-mail sender after moving to Burbank. Not only did he send me a nice signed 8x10 within two weeks of sending a SASE to the Tonight Show, he also sent me one for the holidays, UNSOLICITED. That’s unheard of. Wonder why Artie never responded? Is the handling of the mail that much different for the Stern show? Too busy to answer his fan mail? He found the time to send Dean a nice note and signed photo. WTF?

Was there another reason he ignored my requests? It’s no secret that I have had some run-ins on the web with many so-called Stern fans, x-Stern fans and Stern haters over the year--People who just don’t get my sense of humor. Countless fairy tales have been circulated about me on the web as a result. Most of them not true…Most of them. Maybe some of these "stories" got back to Artie. I have also sent the Show some weird emails over the years too just for fun. Is this guy a stalker? This guy must be obsessed. Maybe he is dangerous? I have to admit I get pretty schticky on the web at times but was that the reason? Who knows! Actually, not hearing back is to be expected in autograph collecting and is just part of the hobby. Some people respond, some don’t. That was exactly the case again just a few weeks ago. I sent autograph requests to the studio addressed to three show people who had said they would send me an autograph when I asked them on Howard’s Bulletin Board. I still haven’t heard back from JD or Scott DePace from that mailing but one man kept his promise: The executive producer of Howard’s E! show, Doug Goodstein. Doug was nice enough to send me 3 bango cards, signing the back of one. On the index card I sent him he wrote: To Sante, A Great Stern fan! With all the harassment I had been receiving on the web and in my real life (one of the Stern bashers called my local police and filed a false police report) it couldn’t have come at a better time. I got very excited when I received that package and read that inscription. Almost as much as when I received the ones from Howard and Beth O Thank you Doug very much.

I try my best not to hound people and after those three mailings to Artie I gave up on him. That is until last October when my family and I celebrated my birthday at the local Dave and Buster’s. This was our first time there and the boys loved their arcade. When we went to cash in our winning tickets we spotted as one of the prizes offered a doll of John Belushi from the movie Animal House, drink in hand, wearing the infamous College t-shirt -- just like in the movie and just like in the poster that hangs on Artie’s bedroom wall. (He mentioned that on the show one day…calm down) Hey dad, that even looks like Artie. Lets try and win it for him. The next weekend we went back. Thirty minutes and 4 huge jackpot wins later we had enough points to win the prize. Wow, that was fun. We sent the doll to Artie just in time for his birthday……….and, of course, I enclosed another self- addressed-stamped-envelope. He just has to send a thank you to the boys for this fucking thing, right? This isn’t the first time I used the boys to try and get an autograph by the way. That’s how I got Howard’s. Nothing…….not a God Damn thing. That fat guinee must be a busy mother fucker. You would think the guy would have loved it. I mean he can recite the whole movie word for word for Christ‘s sakes. Maybe he didn’t even get it. I know for sure it got to the studio. After chatting with Rev Bob on instant message, I sent the doll overnight with a tracer. Rev Bob Levy was going to be at the studio the next day and he was going to make sure that Artie got it…… He didn’t see it. Another $17 down the drain. Mother fucker. I tried several times after that to find out if he got it. Rev didn’t know. Neither did Sal the Stockbroker. No one knew. God f-ing damn it. I felt like blowing my mind up. Oh well, we had so much fun winning the thing it didn‘t really matter. We were really just glad we sent it to him no matter what happened to it. Hey, maybe I would get a chance to ask Artie personally about the doll at the Funny Bone. Maybe I could finally get that headshot. Another good reason to go. As the show approached things got even more interesting.

A few days before the big day, Kami Andrews, a Stern guest and a member of my message board, informed us that she was going to be on the Stern show Friday for the Best Porno star contest. I had interviewed Kami for "The Planet" months earlier and I asked the Pittsburgh native in that interview if she would be willing to go on stage the next time Artie was in town and let him spit on her. Kami is a spit whore by the way. She likes to be spat on. She told me that she would and that all he had to do was ask. Remembering her comments, I contacted Kami and ran the idea by her again. "Yes, I would love to." Hahaha Now this would make for a very funny comedy show. What a way for Artie to end his final show at the Funny Bone. The hefty $35 for the ticket was worth every friggin cent now. I quickly caught Sal the Stockbroker on instant messanger to see if he could relay the idea to Artie. He laughed, said he liked the idea and told me to email the idea to the show. I did. I then emailed Kami and suggested he ask Artie while she was there. She said she would. That morning came and to my surprise Sal unloaded on her at the studio. They stole my idea!!! hahaha No, I didn’t think that. I’m sure others thought about laying a good one on her. Later that day, I called Jeff Schneider’s radio show and told him what had happened on the Stern show that morning and told him that Kami was returning to the burg and that she was up for another spit bath. Kami emailed me later that day and told me that she got hooked up with tickets in the morning. FANTASTIC!!!! This is going to be great. She is smoking hot. I wouldn’t mind emptying out a nostril on her if she let me. I was now looking forward to the comedy show the next day more than ever. As if that wasn’t enough, earlier in the week Artie also announced that he was going to have a signing in town at the Media Play at the Ross Park Mall that Saturday afternoon. A signing in the afternoon and a show at night with a chance to meet a hot spit whore. Could this day get any better? Actually, yes it could........and it did.

My ticket was for the early show on Saturday night. The Funny Bone assigns seating and unbelievably I was seated up in the balcony just outside the office door where the talent hang out during the show. During the opening act Artie poked his head out a few times. He took pics and signed a few autographs, but mainly he stayed inside the room with a few friends and the owner of the club. After a couple of drinks and with the featured act coming to an end I just had to find out. I opened the door unannounced and poking my head in barked out the question that was on my mind all night, "WHEN IS KAMI COMING?" Jeff looked at me and said something that I couldn’t make out. I was unable to hear him from all the laughter of the crowd behind me. "Huh? What’s that?" Artie, who was standing behind the open door relayed the bad news, "She’s not coming." Damn....I was hoping to hear that Kami was on her way and to stick around, we are all going to form a circle around her and cover her with spit or Hey, thanks for calling my show, come on in and have a shot, will you be my new on-air partner?…nope…that didn’t happen. Instead I returned to my seat disappointed. Kami wasn’t coming. A few minutes later Artie burst from the room, quickly signed a dollar bill for the couple at my table and off to the stage he went. FIIIIIREEE!!!! It was a another great performance for Artie and another awesome time at the Funny Bone. I paid my $55 tab, said goodbye to the nice couples I met at my table and off I went. On my way out of the club I even ran in to someone who said she was going to be on the new Real World from Texas and I got an autograph and picture with her. Very cool.

But the highlight of the day for me was not at the club but at the DVD signing earlier. I got there early before Artie arrived and I was told that they were not sure whether Artie was just signing his DVDs or anything people brought. I bought another copy. I had one at home. Another $13.99. God Damn it!! I stood in line, won a K-Rock key chain for getting a Artie Trivia question right and passed the time checking out the ass of the hot chick in front of me. It was finally my turn and when I got to Artie I laid on the table a photo and asked him to sign it. He recognized that it was the one taken at the old Funny Bone. Then I gave him the DVD to sign. Please personalize To Doc if you would. He looked at me and smiled like Hey, I know you. "It’s real nice to meet you," he said as he nodded to me in approval. As we posed for a photo together I took that opportunity to ask him about the doll. Along with whether or not Kami was coming to the show it was the other burning question on my mind. I was pleasantly surprised when he informed me that not only did he receive it but that he loved it so much it now sits behind him in the studio. Hahaha Holy shit. That is so awesome. I will definitely have to look for it on E! I told him. He thanked me for the doll and for coming out and we shook hands. I gathered up everything, lingered for a bit taking a few pics, then headed out to my car for the hour trip home and a little break before heading back for the show later that day.

Sitting in my car I looked over the new shrine items: The signed old Funny Bone pic, the K-Rock sticker, the K-rock key chain. It was then I realized the magnitude and significance of this day. Sean the WhiteRapper had contacted me the day before to see if I would ask Kami if she would attend the autistic benefit show with him that he was going to on Monday night. (He had won tickets for the event from the show) The conversation lead to a question that Sean and Stern fans everywhere have been debating for years. On this day, March 5th, 2005 Artie Lange, with a few strokes of a sharpie, had just settled that debate.

Thank you Artie Lange. I promise you that I will do my best to wear this title that you have bestowed on me with honor and pride.

FIIIREEE!!!!