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by Doc, DeansPlanet.Com staff writer
Can I Have Your Autograph... / Chaunce Hayden
Chaunce's Penis Woes
11-05-03
 

WOW!!! That was certainly a short break. Two weeks ago I sent Dean an article with hopes of it being posted on Halloween night. I consider that article my masterpiece for many reasons and boy the work I gave Dean for that one. Sorry bro. The amount of work involved was just too much and as a result we missed the deadline. The funny thing to me is at the end of the article I announce my break from my Stern celebrity journalistic duties so I can devote more of my free time to a new project: The adding of a third shrine display. Well, talk about a drastic change in direction. In the last two weeks, while working on my masterpiece and getting ready for my break, I received commitments for 5 more celebrity interviews. So much for my break. I even went ahead and did one of them this past Saturday---An excellent phone interview with someone that I have been wanting to interview for a very long time. It should make a great audio article like the one with Jeff the Drunk we recently did.

Today my break took yet another crazy turn. Chaunce Hayden, fellow celebrity journalist and shrine inductee recently discussed on the Stern show a health problem of his that involves his penis. Chaunce's penis woes were again brought up on the show today and Howard suggested that someone should interview Chaunce about it. I had contacted Chaunce a long time ago for his autograph-- which he sent me no problem--but despite our similar interests I never really talked to him much after that. I just didn’t want to bother the guy. But when his problems with Ronnie the Limo Driver hit the airwaves last week I just had to try and have some fun. Making the AOL screen name Scoresmen923 ( It was recently revealed on the air that Ronnie's is Scoresman923) I instant messaged Chaunce and tried to rile him up. He quickly logged off. Minutes later we shared some laughs when I contacted him again this time with my real screen name and told him that it was me. HAHAHA Chaunce was still on my buddy list this morning and I saw he was again online. Inspired by Howard's comment I instant messaged him again and asked him for an interview about his broken penis.

Howardshrine: hey chaunce, howard came up with a good idea. he said you should be interviewed. if you ever want to do one about your penis just let me know. thanks
CHAUNCE100: if u want to send me an email with questions it's kewl

Before the Show was even over, I researched the condition, sent him the questions, and just as quickly he sent me the answers back. Fantastic job !!! Now that is a professional. Chaunce did a great job too :) Here is that interview.
Doc: How big is your penis?
Chaunce: Well, depending on the moment and the girl....on my best day 7.5...if you measure from my scrotum I might even be able to push out an 8.
Doc: I understand that you have the condition known as Peyronie's disease. The three main symptoms are pain, lumps, and an angle in the dangle. Does your penis curve and, if so, which way?
Chaunce: That's all true. But actually I'm lucky in the sense that the condition (I say condition because it sounds so much better then "disease") I have is based at the tip rather then the base of my penis. When the condition effects the base of the penis, blood flow is restricted during an erection so only one side of the erectile sac is flooded with blood thus the penis makes a hard right turn. Sort of like rowing with just one oar.
Doc: Although most conditions are a result of a trauma there is some research that shows that the condition may be genetic. Do you know if your brother's penis curves? How about your dad's penis? And if so, which way do they curve?
Chaunce: Well, I know in my case what caused it so there's no need to investigate my families penis history. I, like many (whether they admit it or not), tend to masturbate both in the morning and in the evening. I believe whacking your meat is more of a stress reducer than sexual need. And in my case, I masturbate by placing my snake under my shirt and then rub it back and fourth across my torso. Apparently that frequent act was the cause of developing scar tissue in the erectile sac that caused my condition.
Doc: Another common symptom is painful intercourse or inability to perform intercourse. When was the last time you got laid? Do you have a steady girlfriend or wife and what does she think about your situation? A curved up penis (most common) could possibly hit the g spot better than a straight one so maybe there are advantages. Have you tried banging any chicks since being told you have this condition and how did it go?
Chaunce: I was told by my doctor to give up choking my chicken for a few weeks so that it can heal. I was also told to take tons of Vitamin E. As far as having intercourse, my doctor actually told me that while the condition might be disturbing for me, for women it will actually feel great because the hard scar tissue actually will provide great pleasure to women during intercourse. I haven't tested that theory out yet but I'll get back to you on that. I do have someone in my life who I love and that's all I'll say about that. She likes her privacy.
Doc: Who or what do you think about when you are masturbating?
Chaunce: Could be many things... I've had my share of AMAZING sexual adventures.. enough to last a lifetime in the porn shop in my mind. As long as the girl is skinny, cute and kinky as hell... I also love Asian women. I guess I have a petite fetish... no fatties or big titties for me.
Doc: Are you aware that this condition was named after a French surgeon, Francious de le Peyronie? Are you concerned that when Howard finds out you have a condition first identified by a French man that he will ban you from the show? Do you hate the French even more now?
Chaunce: Haha.....Figures the French would come up with a penis disease! Those people are great at making the world miserable! Yet, another reason not to eat French Fries. But I don't think Howard will take it out on me because the disease was named after a Frenchmen.....I think the punishment is much worse then the crime in this case.
Doc: I read that surgery seems to be the best treatment but that there are potential complications like loss of erectile rigidity (hardness), inability to maintain an erection (impotence) and shortening of the penis. Sometimes even the disease reoccurs after surgery. Many surgeons recommend waiting 1 to 2 years or even longer before going under the knife. Man does this condition suck. Your thoughts? Which side effect of them all would you prefer?
Chaunce: Sucks is an understatement. Yes, I've been told the same thing. I doubt I would have surgery even if it meant life or death. The last time I had a dude put a knife to my cock I was about 30 minutes old. And even then I swore that nobody would ever get another shot at cutting me in that area ever again....... and I stand by that. You try, you die!. I think I can live with the hard lumps and gross feeling. I just have to cool it with the whacking off and let a female do the dirty work from now on. I think impotence would be the best side effect to choose because who wants nasty rug rats running around while you're worried about your penis?
Doc: Did you take pictures of your penis to show the doctor? Could you please take some pictures and send for our readers? Thanks.
Chaunce: My doctor actually got a personal in-person invite to the wreckage that used to be my joystick. As for photos, the only person I would be willing to share this nightmare with is Robin Quivers. But if Playboy calls.. who knows?
Doc: Is your penis crooked flaccid or just when erect or are you in the early stages of penis deformity. In other words, can you piss around corners?
Chaunce: It burns a little when I pee..... but like I said.. because the scar tissue effected the tip, twist and turns aren't a problem for me.
Doc: Are you going to go through with the surgery?
Chaunce: No......I'd rather be a monk with a big cock then a shrimp whacking loser.
Doc: Hey, watch it!! What is worse in your life right now: a possible cancerous tumor in your knee, a fucked up penis, a broken elbow or the fact that you are Chaunce Hayden.
Chaunce: Good question... You would think I would be most concerned about losing my knee to cancer or even my life! Yet my penis seems to be my biggest concern at the moment..... fuck the cancer.. Save the Penis doc! The broken elbow will heal, they can cut the leg off.... but you only get one tool..... so need I say more?
Doc: I read that this condition usually affects 1%-3% of white males between the ages of 45-60. any comments on getting this disease of ALL the diseases that affects middle age men? Would you have preferred a touch of heart disease at this point instead?
Chaunce: I would rather come down with a case of blindness...I don't care how old you are or what you do for a living or what your circumstances in life are...... NOBODY wants problems with their penis....... However, that said, maybe God did this to me to bring awareness to men all over the world that this horrible thing can happen to them too and what they can do to prevent it.
Doc: Finally, since we are talking about cocks and dickheads, I was wondering if you would like to include any comments about SCOREMAN923?
Chaunce: I don't think Ronnie is a bad guy. I just think it's very sad that someone who's in the twilight of his life needs to feel important and attractive by hanging out at the same strip club every night of the week. Because of Ronnie's relationship to the show, Lonnie (Scores PR Guy) takes care of him by allowing him in for free and providing drinks and food on the house. That can be very addictive. Ronnie needs to get some fresh air, take a close look at his life and decide if he wants to be the guy who sits on a plastic chair in the KROCK hallway and monitors foot traffic...and in the evening sits and rots in a dark strip club while 19 year old girls pretend they're not completely grossed out by having to cater to him as per Lonnie.... Or.... does he want to contribute to society while he still has a few years left. I've seen many good man get sucked into the strip club vacuum and destroy their self-esteem and lose their family and friends. For Ronnie, Scores gives him the chance to be Al Capone...he gets to be the man he never was but always dreamed of....He's that race car driver celebrating his Indy 500 win every night.....Meanwhile, in the back room, the bouncers, dancers and bartenders all laugh and make fun of him..... it's tragic. Again, Ronnie isn't a bad guy. He's just a little lost right now. He'll get it together... I'm sure of it.
Doc: Thank you Chaunce. It was indeed a real honor doing an interview with someone I believe to be the tops in our field. Good luck with your dickhead problems and good luck with your penis as well.