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by Doc, DeansPlanet.Com staff writer |
| Can I Have Your Autograph... / Gary The Retard |
| Gary
The Retard
09-04-02
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|  One
of the most frustrating things for me in the autograph hobby
is finally getting a hold of some really hard to find contact
information only to find out later that it's not accurate.
Everytime Johnny "Mud" Mudman, one of my all-time
favorite Stern Show quests, gave out his email address it
was always wrong... Schtick? Coming from the most talented
man in the world I believe so. But today's featured artist,
Gary the Retard almost drove me insane whenever he would
give out his information on the air. www.hotgary2002.com?
www.hotgary2002.net?? hotgary2002@aol.com? What the hell
is it Gary? What, are you dense or something?
One day I finally unlocked the mystery. hotgary2002 is Gary's
Yahoo messenger name. I wasted no time and tried to contact
him via instant message. Gary? "Hi" HAHAHAHAHAH
I was finally talking to someone I had been trying to contact
 for
months and months.. I explained to Gary that I would like
to get his autograph..He suggested I contact his agent..
When I explained to him that I had tried that and to no
avail he gave me his name and address and asked me to send
him a SASE. Outstanding!! I was very surprised how intelligent
and how quickly he responded in our conversation. As promised
Gary sent me some great pictures from the green room, pictures
of him with Hank and High Pitch Eric, and a note telling
his fans that he loves them all. Gary also included his
home phone number in his note. I called Gary up to thank
him for all of the great stuff . I also gave out his number
to the TRUE FANS OF STERN not telling them who the phone
number was for, just instructing them to thank the person
for the autographed pics on behalf of  the shrine and the
TFOS..HAHAHAHA Everyone got a chuckle out of the surprise.
Shy Fox, one of our members later told me that she and Gary
talked for close to 15 minutes and that it was one of the
greatest experiences she had ever had. That was really great
to hear.
I have keep some contact with Gary since then, not much.
I sent him a video of my collection at Christmas time
and he was very appreciative of that. I called Gary and
asked him if he would grant me an interview, and as always
Gary was very friendly and open to the idea. It took a few
days to arrange a time (Gary is a very busy man, apparently)
but last Tuesday (8/27/02) was the big day.
Ladies and Gentlemen my very first phone interview ever,
with the one , the only, Gary the Retard.
|
| Doc:
Do you have a favorite TV show? |
| Gary
The Retard: I like Howard. I don't watch much TV.
Sometimes at night. |
| Doc:
Any favorite movies? |
| Gary
The Retard: No, anything is fine. |
| |
| Doc:
Any favorite music bands/singers? |
| Gary
The Retard: I like country. |
| Doc:
Do you have any hobbies? |
| Gary
The Retard: No. I'm always on the internet trying
to find me a woman. aha ha ha |
| Doc:
What is your favorite website? |
| Gary
The Retard: Yahoo chat rooms. My name is Hotgary2002.
I want to get a woman off of the internet. I would like somebody
to really fight for me. I would stick up for them in the chatroom
and they would stick up for me. |
|
|
| Doc:
How many girls do you talk to now? |
| Gary
The Retard: Quite a few. No dates yet. |
| Doc:
Do you answer your email? |
| Gary
The Retard: Don't know how to do that yet. Maybe
some hot chicks will send me a PM (private message). We could
chat. |
| Doc:
Do they ever send naked pictures of their boobies? |
| Gary
The Retard: No. |
| Doc:
Do you have a girlfriend now? |
| Gary
The Retard: Not now. I did but she quit me. Almost
2 or 3 years. |
| |
| Doc:
Lovemaking too? |
| Gary
The Retard: Right but not anymore. She won't say
hi to me now or nothing. I'd like to get a new girlfriend
over the internet. If they live close to Oregon maybe they
could come visit me. aha ha ha |
| Doc:
How do you like your new teeth? |
| Gary
The Retard: I like them. Howard likes them too. |
| Doc:
Is there anyone famous you would like to meet? |
| Gary
The Retard: Pretty Girls...and hot chicks. aha
ha ha yeah baby |
| Doc:
Do you drink beer? What is your favorite? |
| Gary
The Retard: Sometimes. I like Bud. |
| Doc:
Where were you when the terrorist attack happened on 9-11?
|
| Gary
The Retard: I was sitting in my living room. |
| Doc:
What did you think when that happened? |
| Gary
The Retard: I didn't like it too much. |
| |
| Doc:
What do yo think about the war on terrorism? |
| Gary
The Retard: I don't like it. I was in the military
room and that room sucked. I got out of it. They got real
snotty. I said I'm tired of hearing your shit. |
|
note: I wasn't able to get out of Gary exactly what room
he was talking about... the Pentagon? |
| Doc:
Who is your favorite from the show? Anyone you don't like?
|
| Gary
The Retard: KC is my favorite.. I like everyone. |
| Doc:
Do you miss Jackie? |
| Gary
The Retard: Yeah, I liked Jackie. |
| Doc:
What do you think about Artie? |
| Gary
The Retard: HE TALKS TOO GOD-DAMN MUCH. I TOLD
HIM 'YOU KNOW WHAT? KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. HOWARD IS TRYING
TO TALK. SIT BACK AND BE A GOOD LITTLE BOY. DON'T BE DOING
ALL THE TALKING. AHA HA HA |
| Doc:
What has been your favorite time on the show over the years?
|
| Gary
The Retard: I liked the fight. |
| Doc:
Like on the show Gary, on a scale from 1to 10, 10 being the
best, how would you rank these ladies? Robin... |
| Gary
The Retard: I'd give her a 10 anytime. |
| Doc:
Same here. ( on most days anyway) How about Nicole Bass? |
| Gary
The Retard: 5, She's ok |
| Doc:
Croy? |
| Gary
The Retard: Who's Croy? I've never seen her. |
| |
| There
are a lot of shall we say mentally challenged people on the
show, Wendy the Retard, Vin the retard, the How's your news
singers, and many, many, others but Gary I always considered
to be #1, the King of all Stern show retards. To help prove
my point I decided to finish the interview with some easy
yes or no questions: |
| Doc:
Do you have a giant picure of yourself hanging in your living
room? |
| Gary
The Retard: NO |
| Doc:
Do you visit a shrink? |
| Gary
The Retard: No. But I see a podiatrist two times
a month. I have corns. |
| Doc:
Would you ever change your name and not tell anyone? |
| Gary
The Retard: NO WAY. |
| Doc:
If you ever got married do you think you would forget to invite
your boss? |
| |
|
| Gary
The Retard: aha ha NO. |
| Doc:
When you and your girlfriend broke up did you send her an
apology on a video tape? |
| Gary
The Retard: NO |
| Doc:
Do you know how to pump gas in a car? |
| Gary
The Retard: YES, I DO. |
| note: I explained
to Gary the reason I asked this question was because Howard
said on the air that he didn't know how to pump gas. A puzzled
Gary replied almost in disbelief, "WHY IS THAT?"
I wasn't sure how to answer him, mumbled something about Ronnie
doing it and moved on. |
| Doc:
On 9-11 did bowling cross your mind? |
| Gary
The Retard: NO..I like to go bowling when I have
the money. |
| Doc:
Say you had lots of money, would you gamble it away by betting
on golf? |
| Gary
The Retard: NO WAY. |
| Doc:
Have you ever pooped in your bed? |
| Gary
The Retard: NO. |
| Doc:
As much of a horn dog as you are, would you ever have someone
tie you to a telephone pole to impress a fat chick? |
| Gary
The Retard: NO, but I wouldn't mind if a girl tied
me to a bed. aha ha ha |
| Doc:
I hear that Gary. Sounds like it has been slow on the women
front. Do you think you would EVER promise to God that you
would never touch yourself ever again? |
| Gary
The Retard: NO |
| Doc:
If the Howard Stern show paid you to sit in the studio every
morning would you ever quit? |
| Gary
The Retard: No. That would be stupid. |
| Doc:
Pick one on this one Gary. Which would you buy first, beers
or winter coats for your family? |
| Gary
The Retard: Winter coats. |
| Doc:
Ok, Gary thanks for the interview..I'll try and get this online
sometime next week. Maybe some chicks will get ahold of you. |
| Gary
The Retard: AHA HA HA SOMEONE IS TRYING TO GET
AHOLD OF ME ALREADY.MIGHT BE A WOMAN. I HOPE IT'S AWOMAN.
HOLD ON. AHA HA HA I'M ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW. AHA HA DON'T
CUT ME OFF. HOLD ON AHA HAHA YEAH BABY!!!!! |
| Doc:
: HAHAHAH ok Gary, I think we have enough. Good luck in finding
a lady my man. |
| A
totally distracted horny Gary:
...huh...ah...ok...bye.
|
| Doc:
Well, it's official, Gary in my opinion anyway is definitely
King of all Stern Show retards.
Ladies?
Gary wanted me to remind you one last time. hotgary2002..
He is waiting!!
Do you YAAAAHOOOOO?? |
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Next Article: Stewart "aren't you...?" Brodian |
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