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by Doc, DeansPlanet.Com staff writer |
| Can I Have Your Autograph... / Jeff The Drunk |
| Jeff
The Drunk
9-24-03
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I
was floating in my pool enjoying the hot sun and a cold Heineken,
my third on a beautiful lazy Sunday afternoon when something
Howard said on the radio a few days before crossed my mind:
"You know what would be funny Jim? Telemarket your new
cd." Howard had suggested to Jim Florentine that he telemarket
his new cd, a cd full of phony phone calls that terrorizes
telemarketers. God Damn it Howard, that’s BRILLIANT!!!!
I’m going to friggin try it, if for no better reason
than to email the calls to Jim for a laugh. I quickly hopped
out of the pool, jumped in the car and headed to shrine headquarters
to make the calls--to make history. This is going to be awesome.
I got out my contact information sheet and in my best not
so special Special Ed voice called Gary the Retard--an even
more brilliant twist to Howard’s idea or so I thought.
"Hello Gary? Hi Gary. I wanna sell you sumthing….Come
on Gary, It’s a GOOD DEAL. Give me your credit card
numbers." " NO! NO! NO! I AIN’T GOT NO MONEY
I TOLD YA." <click>….Hmm…This is going
to be harder than I thought. But I still loved the idea so
after Gary slammed the phone down on me for the third time
I decided to try someone else. "Hello Jeff?……What?
You want 8 of them? YAAY That’s great. (Holy shit, my
first sale) Then my "unsuspecting" victim said,
"That Jim Florentine is a funny dude. Almost as funny
as…you know..that guy…Doc? BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
You’re busted mother F-er. Jeff was wise to me the whole
time. Caller ID? Still not sure how he knew but after we had
a good laugh, at my expense, I asked Jeff for an autograph
for the shrine. "No problem dude." Using the address
he had given me I sent him out a self-addressed-stamped-envelope.
I guess I shouldn’t have been too surprised when the
envelope was returned unopened. Apparently there isn’t
a Petticoat Junction in Albany. HAHAHA He done fooled me agin.
That was a year ago and it was my very first contact with
today’s featured artist and shrine inductee, The Howard
Stern show’s favorite alcoholic, that cowboy hat wearing
and Budweiser
drinking, the angry yet loveable wack packer, Jeff the Drunk.
Jeff the Drunk made his first major impact on the Stern show
by winning a "date" with the lovely and very available
porn star, Tabitha Stevens. Last week Jeff participated in
yet another Win a Date with Tabitha Stevens segment, this
time as a judge. To win a "date" with Tabitha this
time three eager listeners were to be judged with the prize
going to the one who did the most disgusting thing. One guy
ate a sandwich of his friend’s pubes while another ate
a piece of doggy doo- doo.
The third contestant agreed to eat a McGridle out of the ass
crack of High Pitch Eric. But when High Pitch was a no-show,
it was Jeff who stepped up to save the day---well, almost.
When Jeff struggled to get into position to accept the McGridle,
on his hand and knees, something was discovered. Something
was terribly wrong. Something was just not right with Jeff’s
backside. There was a huge, disgusting stain in his underpants.
"Oh God, Howard, it smells." Everyone started accusing
Jeff of soiling his pants. Despite his denials they kept it
up until Jeff got really pissed and began cursing. Non-stop
cursing to the point that he had to be removed from the studio
and escorted out the building. This was not the first time
that Jeff was accused by the show of making a mess in his
pants. I just had to try and get to the bottom of things,
literally, and I called Jeff that very day, this time as Doc,
Stern celebrity journalist. Jeff’s former manager (someone
who has been a big help to me and a good friend, thanks man)
once told me that Jeff is like a walking sound-byte. I agree.
And the show knows it too. Not a day goes by, it seems, that
Fred doesn’t play one of Jeff’s sound-bytes or
Artie doesn’t chime in with his impression of Jeff---many
say his best. So it goes to reason what better Stern celebrity
than Jeff the Drunk to try something we have been wanting
to try for awhile--adding audio to our articles. And with
Jeff’s permission that is exactly what we did. I hope
you all like it, ya little bitches. |
| Doc:
Did you really soil your pants on today's show like they said?
|
| Jeff:
It
wasn't soiled pants dude. I had a boil on my ass. A boil on
the back of my ass. Big friggin deal. They make a big deal
out of that. I don't mind. I know he (Howard) is only busting
my chops. It's all good. I don't care. Remember when I fell
the last time and he said I shit myself? That was blood coming
through my underpants. |
 Doc:
From a boil?
Jeff: Yeah.
Doc: And again
today....another boil?
Jeff: It's the same boil. It has been there
for years.
Doc: Have you
ever had it looked at medically?
Jeff: Never. I'm on SSI dude.
Doc: Don't
you have medicare or something to pay for that then?
Jeff: Yeah, but I don't have a car.
Doc: Speaking
of falls that one into the elevator is a classic. Any comment
on that one?
Jeff: It happens. <laughs> |
| Doc:
You are physically genius. What has been your favorite moment
on the Show so far? |
| Jeff:
My
favorite moment on the show, believe it or not, was just sitting
in with the news cause I couldn't believe I was there just
sitting in with those guys, you know. That was really...........great.
|
| Doc:
How about your least favorite? |
| Jeff:
Maybe the first time I got kicked off. |
|
| Doc:
One of your first appearances on the show was you winning
a date with Tabitha Stevens. How did that go? |
| Jeff:
All
I can say is she is a lying bitch cause she said that I couldn't
use a condom. That bitch didn't lube it up or nuthin. She
just got right on my cock with a condom on it. No lube or
nuthin. What the fuck is up with that? You know? |
| Doc:
That must have been disappointing for you. |
| Jeff:
Yes it was. And all she did was jerk me off with her...her
left nipple. |
| Doc:
Not a great experience for you then? |
| Jeff:
No, I mean you know besides cumming but friggin I could have
done that. |
| Doc:
You went to the Playboy mansion not long ago right? |
| Jeff:
YES I DID!!! |
| Doc:
How was that? |
| Jeff:
FAB-U-LOUS!!! I had a friggin ball. I was like a kid in a
candy store. |
| Doc:
I remember you thanking a Doug on the air. Was Doug Goodstein
involved at all in your Stern career? |
| Jeff:
I
thanked Doug because I thought he was hooking me up with a
good guy to be my fucking manager. And the guy (manager) has
done nothing but friggin bullshit me all the way…….I
got rid of him. I get drunk one night. I call him up and I
said to him. You can take your website and shove it up your
ass and keep the friggin money you owe me you cocksucker.
That's all. |
 Doc:
That's too bad. How did your Christmas cd sales go?
Jeff: To be truthful, we could have sold
one, we could have sold a hundred, we could have sold a thousand.
I don't know. I really don't know.
Doc: Some of
the people from the show complained not long ago on the air
saying that you are very difficult to deal with.
Jeff: Yeah,
KC and RONNIE. They just want to stir up shit for the show
and I'm right with all of them. I love them and I hope they
love me.
Doc: Who is
your favorite? How about your least favorite?
Jeff: My
favorite is Robin. I want to quiver inside of her. Least favorite
is Ron. Ron the limo driver and asshole. He's a betz.(?) That's
all I have to say. |
| Doc:
What do you think of Artie's impression of you? |
| Jeff:
It needs work but it's ok <laughs> It's somewhere between
Bill Cosby and Domenic Barbera. |
| Doc:
Oh that reminds me, how are your legal problems going? |
| Jeff:
Very good. I got my license back. I only had to pay $125.00
for everything. That's driving in the cornfield, driving without
a license, all that stuff. |
| Doc:
How big is your penis? |
| Jeff:
Not big enough. |
| Doc:
Everyone knows how much you like your beer. How often do you
smoke pot? Everyday? |
| Jeff:
Everyday
I can. And it's becoming more daily everyday. |
| Doc:
What do you think of Tommy Chong going to jail for 9 months
for selling bongs? |
| Jeff:
Yeah,
I'm surprised they (the show) didn't ask me. I believe that
Tommy Chong should be set free....like the American that he
is. |
| Doc:
(after a long pause)........ Ah..........So you think he is
getting a raw deal. |
| Jeff:
Yeah, I think he is getting a raw fucking deal. |
| Doc:
They were also discussing on the show how much a lid is. Do
you know? |
| Jeff:
YES I do...um...I think a lid is... |
|
| Doc:
The amount. |
| Jeff:
Oh....didn't they say 2 pounds? |
| Doc:
One guy said it was an oz. and another guy said it was an
eight of an oz. I wondered if you knew for sure. |
| Jeff:
No, I'm not sure. But I know Cheech and Chong. I listened
to that shit growing up. Bob? |
| Doc:
What's that? |
| Jeff:
Bob
there? Bob I got the stuff. Open up the door man. Bob's not
here dude. <laughs> |
| Doc:
HAHA Yeah they were great. How do you like your Howard Stern
show fame? Any regrets? Anything you would change? |
| Jeff:
I LOVE it. I absolutely LOVE it. I would do nothing to change
it at all. |
| Doc:
Is there anything else you would like to say before we stop
Jeff? |
| Jeff:
I'm sick of people calling me up and pranking me. Some guy
called me up claiming he was Ray Romano…."We are
thinking of putting you in our TV show." I woke my mother
just to talk to him because she loves the guy. (Everyone loves
Raymond) And he gets back on the phone ,with my mom on the
line, and says, "We are thinking of making you are cousin.
Cousin Jeff. And we will put you in the cellar and throw meat
down you have to eat with that gimpy hand of yours."
And he starts laughing HAHAHAHAHHAHA YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKER
I said. It
was Kidd Chris. |
The
day after I did this interview I was surfing the web when
I was instant messaged by someone who I had "spoken"
to in the past but really knew very little about. I mentioned
to him that I had just finished an interview with Jeff and
that he asked me to put in the article that he was looking
for a new manager, someone more local this time. "I
live 12 miles from Jeff and I am very interested."
he typed. OMG. That’s amazing. A couple of phone calls
and a few days later, I am happy to report that if you need
to contact Jeff the Drunk, to book an appearance or anything
else you may have in mind, to please email his new manager
Chad Czternastek at chadczt@nycap.rr.com
or call him at 518-331-5870.
Thank you Jeff for the great interview, for the autographs,
the high school pic you sent me and the laughs. And good
luck to both of you guys. I hope that this new relationship
works out for you both. If it does please remember who hooked
you two up. An old sling of Jeff’s would make a great
addition to the shrine or maybe even a pair of them stained
underpants. That shit is priceless. |
| After much thought I decided to post the retarded call I made to Jeff for your amusement and ridicule. Please keep in mind that it was the fourth call I had ever made, I really didn’t put too much thought into it, I had a buzz and I am no Ray Romano.
Doc's Telemarketer Call to Jeff The Drunk
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