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by Doc, DeansPlanet.Com staff writer |
| Can I Have Your Autograph... / Jim Florentine |
Jim
Florentine
03-30-02
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|  Let
me see...Howard, the crew, wack packers, hot chicks, porno
stars... Hmmm, who else would you want in your Stern autograph
collection? I GOT IT!! You got to have some phony call callers
in your collection!! Today we feature one of the best in
the business, telemarketers' nightmare and shrine-worthy
comedian, Jim
Florentine. Jim and his calls have been heard on the
Stern show several times and he/they never seem to disappoint.
Jim
didn't disappoint on the autograph front either. I visited
his website at www.jimflorentine.com
and emailed him my request for an autographed photo. He
replied, "No problem, give me your address". Two
weeks later, (no  SASE,
no hassle, no fuss) I received not just a personalized 8x10
but also a signed CD cover and sample cassette of his work
with three hilarious calls. WOW!!
As is my standard practice I emailed Jim a thank you when
I receive his photo, just to let him know that everything
arrived safely, and took the opportunity to ask him for
an interview. "No problem." HOME RUN!!
Jim
Florentine equals one cool guy but in the few back and forth
emails while conducting the interview, something else came
to mind about Jim Florentine: PROFESSIONAL, oh, and FUNNY. |
| Doc:
When did you start making phony phone calls? |
Jim
Floretine : I've been doing calls for years. I
just started to tape them a couple of years back. I like to
fuck with people; I've
been  doing it since I was a kid. If a telemarketer
called, instead of going out to play with my friends, I would
stay on the phone for a half hour and torture the person.
I'm actually glad that I stayed in instead of going out and
playing. I found out a few years back that two of the kids
that I hung with were homos. Just think, if I didn't pick
up the phone, I would be sucking a cock right now instead
of doing this interview.
Doc: Who would you say was your biggest influence?
Do you have a favorite phony phone caller or one call in particular
(besides your own)?
Jim Floretine : It's weird, but I was never a big fan of phony phone calls. Not that I didn't think other people's stuff was funny, I just never listened to it. I'm a metal head so I would just crank Motorhead and Black Sabbath all day. But anyone that does fuck with people with phone calls, I respect. It takes a certain kind of person to be a prick on the other line and ruin someone's day. That makes me happy.
Doc: Just today, I read on the internet that the Touch-Tone Terrorists have some legal issues as a result of their phone calls. Are you familiar with the situation? What is your take on things so far? Have you run into any legal problems yourself? |
 Jim
Floretine : Yeah,
I talked to the Touch-Tone Terrorist about his problems. It's
too bad. As soon as something starts to become successful,
people want to sue so they can get their greedy hands on someone's
hard earned money. People are savages, they really are. The
Touchtone Terrorist has been busting his ass for years now
to make a few bucks and make people  laugh when they come home
from a hard days work. Now all of a sudden, someone wants
a cut. I'm having a problem with a call I did where I'm giving
my girlfriend an abortion in my apartment while this telemarketer
is trying to sell me something. It's brutal. I have the vacuum
running and I'm telling the woman "I just pulled out
an arm!", and all kinds of crazy stuff. Anyway, she
thought it was real and called the cops on me and I had to
go to court. The company's lawyers sent me a letter saying
that if I release that track, they're going to sue me. So
right now it's up in the air if I'll release it. It's too
bad because the track is great. It's fun for the whole family. |
| Doc:
How big is your penis? |
| Jim
Floretine : Six and a quarter inches. I measure
once a week and have never topped that length. I keep the
tape measure by the bed, just in case. |
| Doc:
Rumor has it that Benji Bronk smells. That's true, isn't it? |
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| Jim
Floretine : I have sat next to Benji and he does
not smell. Next time I do the show, I'll ask him if I can
smell his pits at a commercial break to find out the truth. |
| Doc:
How do you get the okay to use your calls? What is the procedure? |
| Jim
Floretine : I call them right back and explain
what I do. Most people are cool about it. |
| Doc:
What was the best call that you couldn't use? |
Jim
Floretine : The
best call is the abortion call. I'm still hoping that they
will relent and let me use it. I still might put it on anyway.
So what if they sue me, what...are they going to take my  Ozzy
CD's? I'll go out and get new ones. Or I'll sign up for Columbia
House under a false name and get them for free. Which, by
the way, I still do. I need to grow up.
Doc: Howard always tells us about how hot your lady
is. Is there something you can tell us about her that you
didn't or couldn't say on the show?
Jim Floretine : She's
a really cool chick. She pretty much gives me the okay to
talk about whatever I want on the air regarding our personal
life. She's a party girl. And she's got a great ass! And she
lets me have sex with her when she's on the rag. She's a keeper.
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| Doc:
Just finished a interview with Jeff" The vomit master"
Levy (coming soon) who revealed some very interesting little
known facts about the gang. Any behind the scenes tid-bits
you can share with us? |
| Jim
Floretine : Not much, just that everybody on the
show is really cool. Stuttering John takes about 4 dumps a
day...just at work, that's all true. |
| Doc:
Do you have any questions for me? |
Jim
Floretine: My question to you is how did you  score
an interview with Jeff Levy? You must be a very respected
journalist in the business for him to grant you an interview.
Did you have to go through his agent? Just joking. I love
that guy. I'm a big fan of anyone that likes to get thrown
up on. Puking on somebody is always funny, even at a funeral.
Doc:
How did I get an interview with Jeff? That was easy. I just
had to send him a copy of a porno I had that had a puke
scene in it. It's all about the puke. Puking on somebody
is indeed always funny. And so are you.
Thank
you Jim. Please keep us posted on any penile size change
and any new developments in the Benjy Bronk mystery. |
| Jim
Floretine: Will
do Doc. And thank you. It was my pleasure. |
I also would like to thank Shy Fox of the TRUE FANS OF STERN for assisting me in this article and of course Dean once again for the opportunity.
For more info on Jim's Terrorizing Telemarketer CDs, free downloads, tshirts and club dates, visit:
www.Jim Florentine.com!! |
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