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by Doc, DeansPlanet.Com staff writer |
| Can I Have Your Autograph... / KC |
| KC Armstrong
06-29-05 |
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Hey Now! DeansPlanet.Com readers. As some of you know, I have been taking a break from my 'Stern Celebrity Journalist'  duties and devoting my free time instead to a new project--Howardshrine: The Book. I am happy to report that things are moving along quite nicely and if things go as planned I should be sending everything off to the printer in a month or so. My plan is to make one book for myself, one book for Dean, and one for Howard so he can throw it in the trash. After that, who knows! If it comes out as I hope, and is affordable, I may offer it for sale to interested fans, make lots and lots of money, buy a home in the Hamptons and retire early. Seriously, if I can buy a Sirius radio out of the deal I will be happy. But the truth be told, I'd be happy even if I can‘t. I started the Shrine five years ago as a tribute to Howard and the Show and this book is nothing more than an extension of that. As a True Fan of the Show I am looking forward to displaying this book on my coffee table… except when the mother-in-law stops by of course. Maybe a little too much vag in it for her.
In my last article I said that I would come out of retirement if something cool came along, like an interview with KC Armstrong for example. Well, guess what? I have been chatting with KC on instant message for months, talking to him about what he was up to, making blogs about his new DVD, and hoping that he would give me that exclusive interview. KC didn't disappoint. Another KC interview hit the web just as I was finishing up this one and it‘s a good one. Nice job Mario. Howard also mentioned today that KC will be calling in to the show soon. Now THAT is the interview I want to hear but in the meantime have a look at mine and enjoy. .I HOPE you enjoy it…I came out of retirement for this one for God's sake. |
| Doc: Thank you KC for this interview. Lets start off by asking the question that has been on the minds of Stern fans for months: How big is your penis? |
| KC: I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T MEASURE IT NOW. IT JUST DISAPPEARED INTO SOME WHORE'S TAILPIPE. WHEN I REMOVE IT AND CLEAN IT OFF I'LL BREAK OUT THE YARD STICK. |
| Doc: Seriously, why are you no longer with the Howard Stern show? |
| KC: I GOT FIRED. IT'S A LONG STORY... IN A NUTSHELL, IF YOU LISTENED TO THE SHOW YOU HEARD MY MENTAL PROBLEMS ON THE AIR.. I COULDN'T FIND ANSWERS ANYWHERE- THERAPY, MEDICATION, ETC... NOTHING HELPED MY DEPRESSION, DELUSIONS, AND PARANOIA. AFTER A MENTAL BREAKDOWN ON STAGE (ON THE DVD) POLICE LOOKING FOR ME, WOMAN YELLING AT ME, VIOLENCE, AND MY ADDICTIONS BEATING ME I WAS CONFINED TO PAYNE WITNEY MENTAL WARD FOR SUBSTANCE ABUSE, DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL TENDENCIES... AFTER I PUT ON A GREAT PERFORMANCE AND MADE THEM THINK I WAS ABLE TO BE RELEASED I HAD TO ENTER AN OUT-PATIENT REHAB. I RELAPSED AND DIDN'T STAY CLEAN, SO TOM PICKED UP THE PHONE AND FIRED ME. |
| Doc: How is your mental health now? |
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| KC: I'VE ACCEPTED THE FACT THAT I'LL NEVER BE NORMAL OR WHATEVER THAT IS... I HAVE TOO MANY DEMONS, FEARS AND RESENTMENTS THAT I WILL ALWAYS HOLD ONTO. IT'S THOSE SAME ATTRIBUTES AND TORTURES THAT MAKE ME WHO I AM. TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME- I'M DAMAGED, ANGRY AND SELF DESTRUCTIVE... BUT ALSO LOYAL TO A FAULT AND CAPABLE OF BEING SOMEONE WHO IS HONEST AND ACCOUNTABLE FOR MY ACTIONS- AND THAT'S ENOUGH RIGHT NOW TO GET ME THROUGH. |
| Doc: This last absence from the show was not the first time you were missing in action. You were missing from the show around the time of the last Vegas trip as well. A friend of the show and yours, so he claimed, posted then on sternfannetwork that money was so tight for you because of your gambling addiction that you were sleeping at the studio and showering at the gym because you couldn't pay your rent. Is that true? |
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| KC: TOTALLY FALSE. |
| Doc: Another person close to the show told me that you were suspended then because you booked an appearance in Vegas against Tom's wishes. Any truth to that? |
| KC: ACTUALLY I WAS SUSPENDED AND WAS OFFERED 12 THOUSAND TO DO A FEW APPEARANCES AND TOLD TOM ABOUT IT AND HE TOLD ME TO TURN IT DOWN. I SAID TO SHOW THAT I RESPECTED HIM AND WOULD COMPLY WITH HIS RULES NO MATTER WHAT I TURNED IT DOWN EVEN THOUGH I WAS BEING EVICTED FROM MY APARTMENT.... I TURNED DOWN A HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY THAT WOULD HAVE GOTTEN ME OUT OF A HUGE JAM BECAUSE I WANTED TO SHOW MY COOPERATION EVEN THOUGH I WOULD SEE NOBODY FROM THE SHOW OR EVEN BE ANYWHERE IN THEIR VICINITY |
| Doc: Another rumor going around was that you physically attacked someone at the studio in a steroid rage. Is that true? |
| KC: NEVER ATTACKED ANYONE- THAT WAS BULLSHIT. |
| Doc: What are you doing now? |
| KC: WEARING A TIGHT SEE-THROUGH LACE ROBE SMOKING A LONG CIGARETTE WITH A LIVE RODENT STRAPED TO EACH EARLOBE. |
| Doc: I understand you have a DVD " Die Laughing" coming out now. What can we look forward to? |
| KC: LOTS OF BOOBIES, FOR THOSE WHO CARE- MY STORY AND WHERE I'VE BEEN, MEAN BUT FUNNY WAYS WE ANNOY PEOPLE, WHAT LIFE IS LIKE ON THE ROAD FOR COMICS, MY STAND UP ACT, MY STARTING FROM THE BOTTOM AGAIN, MY RETURN TO THE BIG STAGE |
| Doc: How did the DVD idea come about? |
| KC: I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AN ASSHOLE AND ALWAYS WANTED TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS BUT NEVER HAD THE TIME.. AFTER I GOT FIRED, I WENT TO REHAB IN CA. AND ALL YOU DO IN REHAB IS THINK,... SO I WASN'T GOING TO WAIT ANYMORE.. I JUST PUT MY HEAD DOWN AND TOOK THE BALL AND DRUDGED FORWARD REGARDLESS OF WHAT CAME AT ME, RETARD STRENGTH AND DETERMINATION. |
| Doc: So what's next ? |
| KC: I'M GOING TO BE PROMOTING MY DVD LIKE A WHORE. A WHORE THAT DOES ANYTHING. NOT LIKE THAT JULIA ROBERTS WHORE IN PRETTY WOMAN. MY FRIEND SCOTT DEMO WAS UPSET SHE WOLDN'T KISS RICHARD GERE. HE THINKS IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH HIM STUFFING "LIVE RODENTS IN HIS TAILPIPE" |
| Doc: Any other projects in the works? |
| KC: JUST SOME HOME PORNO I DID YEARS AGO WITH GARY COLEMAN AND EMANUAL LEWIS BUT I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. IT NEEDS EDITING. |
| Doc: Looking forward to that one. Have you banged any guys lately? |
| KC: YEAH, JUST ONE, BUT YOUR DAD ISN'T AS FLEXIBLE AS HE ONCE WAS... YOUR BROTHER TOLD ME THAT. |
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| Doc: Yeah, rigor mortis will do that. Do you still listen to the show? Do you still keep in contact with anyone? |
| KC: DON'T LISTEN- ARTIE IS ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS- I CONSIDER HIM A BROTHER AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIM OR HIS FAMILY. |
| Doc: Will you be rejoining the Howard Stern Show on Sirius satellite radio? |
| KC: I DON'T THINK SO BUT I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD COME 7 TIMES IN 24 HOURS BUT I DID IT ONCE. AND LET ME TELL YOU- MY SISTER WAS VERY SURPRISED. |
| Doc: Have you been asked? |
| KC: HAVE NOT BEEN ASKED |
| Doc: Goldenpalace.com. What was the deal? Did you really win and lose all that money? Some have speculated that that was all just a plug for them, again not authorized by Tom, and was one of the reasons you were let go. |
| KC: NEVER.. I AM A HORRIBLE GAMBLER... HAD A MAJOR PROBLEM.. I WON FAIR AND SQUARE AND LOST FAIR AND SQURE.. THANKS FOR BRINGING THAT UP DOC.. NOW I WANT TO PUKE.. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I NEEDED THAT MONEY? I NEVER HAD MONEY... EVER... AND IT WAS MINE FOR THE TAKING AND LIKE ONLY I CAN, I DESTROYED IT |
| Doc: One last rumor I heard was that Benji smells. How would you describe Benji's odor? |
| KC: QUITE PLEASANT IF YOU LIKE THE SWEET BUT PUNGENT SCENT OF WET GRASS AND ASS. I LOVE BENJI SMELL AND ALL. HE DONT SMELL - I DONT REMEMBER. HE DOES HAVE GREAT CALVES..... |
| Doc: Is there anything you would like to say to Howard or any of your former co-workers publicly right now? |
| KC: I WOULD LIKE TO SING LIKE WHITNEY HOUSTON IN BODYGAURD "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU...." |
| Doc: Is there anything you would like to say to the Stern fans right now? |
| KC: THANK YOU - IF I COULD SAY IT 1 MILLION TIMES AND HAVE IT MEAN THE SAME THING I WOULD. YOU PROBABLY SAVED MY LIFE. SOME PEOPLE ARE REALLY MAD NOW. WELL, GUESS WHAT? FUCK YOURSELF. I"M NOT DEAD YET- BUT IF I WERE I WOULD DEFINITELY DIE LAUGHING. |
| Doc: Thanks KC. Nothing but the best in your future plans. And good luck on the hot seat with Howard. If you get the chance, tell him his friends at DeansPlanet.Com said Hey Now.....we left him all the good questions after-all. |
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