Getting to Ronald
Act 1: Scene 1
Fade In - -
Est. Shot- - Shrine Headquarters

One of the best resources for Stern celebrity contact information is the website koam.com. Kevin Renzulli, The King of All Newsletters, Howard Shrine inductee and webmaster of the site links new Stern related articles including mine (Thanks bro) every single day. Making my daily rounds, I followed a link posted there to Grayhaven where I found "more stupid opinions" by Ron Zimmerman. Not a huge comic book fan (at the time) I tried but just couldn't follow what Ron was saying. Ron was hands down my favorite comedian during the revolving Jackie chair period. I liked his sometimes sick and off the wall sense of humor. As I recall, my only complaint with his appearances was that his mic seemed too low. Definitely shrine-worthy. I e-mailed him dogpaw58@AOL.com) an autograph request. No response. Maybe I shouldn't have told him I thought his article sucked. HAHAHA!! Oh well, not the first time.

I didn't think about it again until I started visiting the alt.fan.howard stern newsgroup. I have participated on just about every message board there is on the web for Howard but this place was very different. It didn't have all of the bells and whistles as other sites, but it had something else that got my attention-the most hardcore fans I have ever ran into on the web. Where members of other boards seem to go out of their way to lather the asses of people from the show these folks were not afraid to be critical of the show and the people on it. Their comments, maybe just a tad overly critical, analytical and cynical, are also usually very passionate, thought-provoking, honest, and entertaining. (Hmm..sort of like the Show, sort of like Ron, sort of like me??? HAHA) Alt.fan has also proven to be a good resource for contact information. It was here that I found what I needed to receive perhaps the most exciting in-the-mail autograph besides Howard's, the beautiful Beth O.com. Both Beth and Ron are a favorite topic there among the regulars. Beth is a horsefaced, frog-brained golddigger and Ron writes scripted rants for Howard. Wha-wha-what??? Well, as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and no doubt I would do Beth very hard (those folks must be faegs) but I too have noticed Howard apparently reading in the early part of the show on many occasions. Zimmerman? It does say at Grayhaven that " Ron Zimmerman is a writer, TV producer, drunken out, half-assed poet and sculptor, actor, comedian, writes special material for Howard Stern and a Gemini, which means he's also a two faced back stabbing asshole." Special material? I became more intrigued each day.

While visiting a local hobby shop one day with the boys I picked up Spider-man's Get Kraven, #1 in the series of 7 written by the drunken lout himself. 5 books later I'm a fan and anxiously awaiting #6. Is Nickel dead or just wounded? Who you going to call-Spidey to the rescue? and Will Ron..I mean..Ben finally off himself? I e-mailed a second autograph request to Ben..I mean..Ron but this time with a question about Kraven. "No problem." A few weeks later I received the two comic books I sent him in the mail, autographed To Sante. Very cool!! This guy can't be all bad. When I e-mailed Ron to tell him that I received the books, I mentioned some of the concerns at the newsgroup, and told him that if he ever wanted to address them to just let me know. "Send me the questions." HAHAHA!! Awesome!! I have always been a skeptic of the idea that Ron was writing "readings" for Howard. (I say it's Benjy, if anyone). I thought that the interview would work best if I asked the people at the newsgroup to submit some questions. Big thanks to everyone who helped out. Was that the best way to go? I'm not so sure but the result I think is an interview that is passionate, thought-provoking, honest, and entertaining. I don't know what surprised me more, the questions asked or the answers given. Take a look and you decide.

Doc: Kevin Smith - your thoughts.

Ron: Great guy. Great artist. Love him.

Doc: I'm just about out of questions. Fruity?

Fruity Nutcake: He's a huge hypocrite. He's had little success, and deservedly so, when you consider how completely unfunny he is (although he could
never admit this). So he rails on and on about the Hollywood elite, when he would like nothing else than to be accepted by them. What a bore.

Ron: Does this turdbrain's radio not have an OFF switch?

Fruity Nutcake: Lets "keep it real" with some questions that get to the point: Are you unable to write any material for Howard that sounds like something Howard might say?

Ron: I am spanish and this is all translated. I do not even understand him when he speaks.

Ron: I hope you all hate me equally.

Fruity Nutcake: What's it like to be a bitter, pathetic, one-note Hollywood mutant who thinks the world revolves around Variety magazine?

Ron: It's great! Thanks for asking. Excuse me I'm going swimming in my big pool now, jealous little bug.

Fruity Nutcake: It's obvious you think you're very smart... why?

Ron: Because I have knuckleheads like you to compare my intellect with.

Stephen Dedalus: How many people does Howard have writing for him? When did Howard approach you about submitting stuff to the show?

Ron: I don't know and when Jackie left he asked me to write a few jokes. It's not the big deal people make it out to be. Stern is the greatest comic mind since Richard Pryor and needs no help from anyone.

Stephen Dedalus: What do you think of O&A? Do you think Howard overreacts to 'clones.'?

Ron: No idea what any of that means. I keep different hours and work til 3:00 am and don't get to hear the show unless I'm on vacation.

Ron: TKO - at least your question is civilized. Look, for the last time, I do not write Howard's rants! I did a few times. Howard does not need me or anyone else to write funny things for him. If you love him, love him! Enjoy him and stop picking apart every little thing. The guy has done nothing but bring you entertainment for 20 yrs and all you ingrates do is rag. Go listen to Danny Bonaduce and that stupid, annoying, broad he does his show with.

Doc: What is your take on the Stan Lee situation?

Ron: I have none.

Dr. Ivan Ofalich: Ask him why he was such an incompetent suicide. Or better yet, why he thinks he has a shred of talent, despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary.

Doc: Thank you Ron for clearing things up for everyone, and nothing but continued success in your career..I give you the final word.