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by Doc, DeansPlanet.Com staff writer |
| Can I Have Your Autograph... / Yaqi |
| Yaqi The Tickler
02-14-07
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“For humanity on the planet Earth there is but one simple truth: Life is unfair. Some members of the species thrive, while others deteriorate, without adequate food or shelter. Who will help these unfortunate wretches make it through the meaningless  day to day existence?” If you answered Howard Stern show celebrity and Shrine Inductee, Yaqi the Tickler, you would be correct. The last we heard from Yaqi, he was on the Howard Stern show talking about his retirement from the tickling world due to illness. Well, Yaqi is back, alive and well, and involved in a new project: helping poor unfortunate souls by...well...by buying their souls. According to Yaqi, his new company, Wholesale Soul Appropriation & Brokers, has risen to the challenge of helping the unfortunate wretches make it through the meaningless day to day existence by providing them with at least the temporary means to temporarily improve their situation.
Yaqi says, "We provide a lump sum of cash to these grave unfortunates so they may fill their stomachs with tacos or perhaps enough liquor to help them maintain their helpless oblivion. We provide a valuable service, but we expect something for our investment. What can these depraved creatures give us in return? Perhaps the only thing that is really, truly theirs to give, their eternal souls.“ Yup, you heard right folks. Yaqi has given up tickling hot chicks until they pee from laughter, for giving bums on the street money for their souls. Hmmm.... I thought maybe we should try and learn more about Yaqi's new excellent adventure, and I asked the True Fans of Stern from the howardshrine.net message board for their help. |
Terry Gale: Is Yaqi the Tickler's interest in souls an outcome
of his own experience with chronic illness?? I
remember it being said on the Stern show that Yaqi
reportedly has something called Sarcoidosis |
| Yaqi: Sarcoid definitely looms like a shadow over every
aspect of my life, but what is far more devastating is
the chemo I have to take. I go on these toxic drugs
for about 6 weeks and then spend months recovering. In
fact we had to stop production of “Harvesting the
Homeless” several times last year because of my
health.. I would definitely say that Sarcoid has an influence
over everything I do. One can't help but feel anger
and bitter when faced with a chronic illness, but I
think the real motivations behind “Harvesting the
Homeless” and wesellsouls.net was a desire to really
piss people off. And not just gratuitously. I think
we've come up with a film that pushes so many
different buttons on so many different levels:
philosophical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual..
it's hard to watch the piece and not be offended in
some way. I mean we strip the derelicts of their
dignity and extort churches. |
| Alibistern: Ask him if he has come out of the closet yet? |
| Yaqi: No, but I almost married an ex tittie dancer earlier
this year. But after living together with this
oppressive, untalented bitch whore and her 2
psychologically fucked up children for six months and
having to constantly deal with her trailer trash
family and mindless hillbilly friends, I've sort of
lost interest in relationships. |
| GRATEFUL DEAD: Does the site of a vagina make him sick? |
Yaqi: That's kind of a sore subject for me. Before my bitch whore ex girlfriend decided to outright steal from me, she
thought, incorrectly, that she could make some fast money by starring in hardcore masturbation videos. I'm the one who filmed them and the image of her close up rotten crotch got firmly ingrained into my brain. TerryGale: The tickling enterprise involved mostly interaction between Yaqi and women. The souls venture seems to deal mostly with men. Is this Yaqi trying for some 'balance' or experiencing some sort of sexuality shift?
Yaqi: None of the female derelicts we approached would sell their souls. I guess it is easier for them to procure
the crack and alcohol they need than the men.
TerryGale: Considering some horrid video footage about harassment and beatings of homeless persons surfacing
recently, the Wholesale Soul Appropriation and Brokers seems fairly benign, despite not being entirely 'PC.'
Yaqi: We are constantly compared to the bum fight site, but while we don't exploit these derelicts by making them
perform we do humiliate them in an extreme psychological and spiritual sense. What could be more degrading than being so low that you'll sell your soul?
TerryGale: How much does Wholesale Soul Appropriation and Brokers pay for the typical soul? |
| Yaqi: There's a lot of godlessness in the world right now
and economically it's a good market for purchasing a
soul. We can get them for pretty cheap. We bought one
for a bottle of beer. Someone sold their soul for a
beer. |
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| TerryGale: Have any of the persons whose "souls" have been
sold actually passed away since selling their souls?? |
| Yaqi: That is a possibility. A few of the derelicts
definitely seemed to be marking time. And suppose
there actually is such a thing as an eternal soul and
an afterlife? |
Doc: Those people are really fucked then. Thank you True Fans. I had a few more questions for Yaqi at this point and he was nice enough to answer them for me.
How much tickling are you doing these days? Do you
still sell videos? |
| Yaqi: Yes, I still am cranking out tickling videos, but it's
become such a mindless task. I mean how many girls can
one tickle in ones life? And so many of the girls have
zero personality. Occasionally I find a girl who has a
personality that manifests itself during the session
and when that happens it can be really exciting. But
such ticklish girls do not grow on trees. I currently
only sell my videos as downloadable clips, my target
audience being horny impulse buyers. You can get my
clips at http://www.clips4sale.com/store/510 |
| Doc: Have you been contacted by the Stern show about your new project? |
| Yaqi: Not yet. I still have a few more steps to go through
before my plan reaches fruition. There are churches to
extort. But the DVD is finished and mastered and
available for sale on http://www.wesellsouls.net |
| Doc: Would you like to go on the Stern show to promote it? |
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| Yaqi: Of course. If Howard plugs your shit then the whole
world knows about it. After all he is the King of All
Media. I'd also enjoy going back just to catch up,
maybe tickle some more broads and get thoroughly
abused by him again. |
| Doc: Is there anything you would like to say to The Howard or
anyone else from the show in this article. |
| Yaqi: I still haven't had gay sex or murdered anyone. |
| Doc: How much would you give The Howard for his soul?
Does he have one? |
| Yaqi: I doubt I'd be able to afford an honest price for
Howard's soul although I'll bet there would be many
people interested in repurchasing it. But Howard
really doesn't fit my criteria because he is not
homeless and does not need quick cash. Artie on the
other hand might consider buying a soul from us,
Wholesale Soul Appropriations and Brokers, because I
suspect he may have trouble negotiating fair passage
into the afterlife. That's one of our biggest power
points when we sell souls. You can't have too many of
them when your time is up. |
| Doc: Do you (have a soul)? |
| Yaqi: Doc, I can't even remember when it was that I fell
from grace. |
| Doc: How much will you give me for mine? |
| Yaqi: I'd have to think about that. I'm sure that there
would be many potential buyers for your soul at some
of the other Howard sites. But I must caution you.
There is a clause in the soul removal binding contract
that says "I understand that this agreement authorizes
Wholesale Soul Appropriation & Brokers to make
whatever use of my soul as they see fit, including,
but not limited to: the selling, bartering,
negotiating, using as collateral, defacement or any
act of moral abasement of my divine spark." I don't think a lot of people realize what that means.
That means we can masturbate on your soul, deficate
upon your soul, urinate upon your soul or subject it
to conduct unbefitting a living creature. Deficate on my soul? I've heard of black marks on someone's soul, but never brown ones. I think I will hold on to mine for awhile Yaqi thank you very much. If you are interested in selling your soul, Yaqi is interested in buying it. Be sure and check out his website for details. |
| If you would like to chat with any of our True Fans of Stern guest interviewers, you can find them at the shrine, www.howardshrine.net . |
The guest interviewers: |
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"GRATEFUL DEAD" |
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"Hemorrhoid Rage" |
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