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DeansPlanet.Com <--- The Greatest Website Of All Time ---> Dean S. Planet Interviews The Touch Tone Terrorists
 

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The Touch Tone Terrorists

Phony Phone Callers
 
Dean S. Planet: When and why did you become a Touch Tone Terrorist?
TTT: Back in like 1995 I had a bunch of catch 22 type prank call ideas that were just sitting in my brain, molding, and collecting dust. You know... call a liquor store and try to get them to deliver alcohol to a HOSPITAL! Order a big, construction site sized porta-potty for a LIVING ROOM! Back then I was just doing 3 voice: Clarence Washington, Old Man Louie, and Stu Jaimison.
Dean S. Planet: Which of your characters is your favorite to use in your calls?
TTT: It's probably most fun to be Junkyard Willie because he gets to say the most TACKY things like "lick my butt cheese" or "save the drama for yo momma". It's just really fun when "Willie" gets to talk to some innocent white chick from uptown, who's only exposure to "the hood" has been from watching Sanford & Son or the Jefferson's.
Dean S. Planet: Do you have a favorite call?
TTT: No. There's too many favorites. Off the new CD I like D.R.U.N.K because that call went EXACTLY as I had planned out on my little script of things to say. She fell for everything, hook line and sinker. Off the 3rd CD I like "Corrupt Admissions Director". Junkyard Willie the admissions director who can't even speak correct English!

Dean S. Planet: Are any of your characters based on actual people?

TTT: Half of my friends are "Blade"! "Stu Jaimison" is basically the same person as a few Hollywood lawyers, club promoters, band managers, etc. Real smug, self centered, "my shit doesn't smell... YOURS does" attitude.

Dean S. Planet: Just to clear things up: Is it true that the way you get the calls is that you get an 800 number that is one digit off of the original number that the person is trying to reach?

TTT: For all of the lawyers reading this, let me first say that anything I say could be a complete bunch of gibberish. I had a few 800 numbers. Some of them USED to belong to various businesses. Other calls came in when people would accidentally miss a number or two and dial the wrong number.

Dean S. Planet: How are things going in the legal department?

TTT: Funny you axe! I have this very brazen company that is trying to yank my chain. They have sent me THREE letters, demanding stuff like "recall and deliver to us all of Customer Service Disasters and Permanent Lapse of Reason so that we can DESTROY these CD's or we're gonna lodge a criminal complaint with the Federal authorities." Stuff to that effect. Using fear to get property is illegal. Companies with fat wallets should never coerce people. These douche bags probably think that I will just crumble like a shit house built out of twigs. But I'm ready for total war. Prank callers by nature have lots of free time, we're bored and tend to turn psychotic when someone enters our fox hole. If this company cares about their stock price they'd better lay off. If they sue me I'll definitely be calling a publicist before I call a lawyer. I'm keeping quiet about the identity of this company for now. Some radio stations already DO know who it is but I told them to be quiet unless this company sues me.

Dean S. Planet: Who are some of your favorite phony phone callers and/or influences?
TTT: My favorite calls are these Dimension Cable calls off this "Studio Q Christmas CD" release. There's only about 5 of these calls and they are INBOUND calls. Some recording studio in Nebraska released a few of these CD's to their friends. I can't find the CD anywhere. The first time I heard the CD it was like a breath of fresh air. I also like the "Amanda White" call by a guy who calls himself "Mark Knopfler" (even though he's not really the guy from Dier Straights). Also my friend Jones-Z has a really great call to a 7-Eleven convenience store. There's not many good underground calls. Listen to these three and you'll save yourself hours of searching for diamonds in the rough.
Dean S. Planet: Have you officially changed the name to Customer Service Crackpots?
TTT: No. That's actually the 4th album title. After September 11th I changed it to "the Junkyard Willie Tapes" from "Touch-Tone Terrorist". And before that it was "Touch-Tone Terrorists" (with an "s"). And before that it was "Phone Freaks". I changed that because I had later discovered that there was already a "Phone Freak" (singular) that came before me. I'll let you know when I change it again for the 4th time. I'll be sure to make it as confusing as possible.
Dean S. Planet: What's the deal between you and Comedy Central's new show Crank Yankers?
TTT: The producer Daniel Kellison emailed me about doing calls that would be reenacted with puppets for a new Comedy Central TV show. I thought it was somebody trying to pull a prank on me. He wanted my phone number, left no business phone number, and wouldn't give me his home number. So I just let my friend Zuma Dogg talk to him for fun. Zuma thought it might be legit. As it turns out it's for real and actually really elaborate and funny stuff. They have a LOT of people doing voices for this thing including Jim Florentine, Jimmy Kimmel, and Artie Lang. The debut episode is Sunday June 2nd at 10 PM. There's 10 episodes in all. I know that "Should Have Sent it Sooner" and "We Get to Drink" will be featured on some of the episodes. If you have heard these calls then you MUST see what they came up with! It's great!
Dean S. Planet: How does it feel to be the reigning "King of All Phony Phone Callers"?
TTT: That would be in the hoo-la-hoop eye of the beholder. I can't be a judge of my own stuff. If I'm a king then I'm the king of all porta-potties.
Dean S. Planet: What was it like to meet the "King of All Media" when you appeared on the show?
TTT: Cool-Aid! I remember sitting there thinking... Wow... This is where it all goes down! Millions listening! It's just like sitting there in a room having a simple conversation. But damn! What is it? 10 million listeners a week? That's the big leagues man! Howard is definitely America's favorite..... Vietnam veteran!
Dean S. Planet: How has the appearance and the frequent airplay of the calls affected your career and sales of your CDs?
TTT: I owe like 95% of it to Howard. Most of the 20,000 that I've sold have been Internet sales. Internet sales only account for about 2% of all CD sales in the USA. 98% of USA CD sales originate in STORES from IMPULSE buyers. If 75% of MY sales have been Internet sales then that tells you that my distribution sucks! I'm hoping to one day get my CD's into more than just a couple hundred stores. Don't get me started on a tirade about how much distribution sucks goat cheese! At least all of the Stern notoriety has given me the opportunity to do a movie and have a MUCH better chance of getting a theatrical release. The working title is "Junkyard Willie's Mailroom".
Dean S. Planet: Any plans for another appearance on the show?
TTT: If they call me that would be great. I'm not one to call up and nag people. It would be fun to sit off to the side as Junkyard Willie and make occasional rude comments! I call in to a lot of radio shows. So I think I'd have a leg up on where to go with it. They would have to have me isolated from everyone else though. I use a harmonizer on my voice to do "Willie", which means that if my voice bleeds into other microphones in the room it will sound really wierd.
Dean S. Planet: You also made an appearance on The Opie & Anthony Show. Do you think they are funny?
TTT: I've actually never heard the show (other than what I heard while I was on the show). A friend told me that they aired a call of mine so I emailed them to say thanks. They invited me to do a little phone interview thing so I called in as Willie, Jim Bob and Blade. Later my friend Joey Boots told me that Howard doesn't like them, but I don't think Howard really cares if people go on other shows. When you have to promote a CD you take whatever you can get. As an indie artist I'm lucky as hell that I can go on ANY show! One show I refuse to do is ManQueer. I'm told that he has aired a BUNCH of my calls while NEVER telling his listeners WHAT he's playing. By the way Marilyn Manson called in to the Stern show one time and then about 10 minutes later was on the ManQueer show.
Dean S. Planet: Junkyard Willie really sounds like a black man. Do you have any African in you?
TTT: Lets hope I never have to serve time. No I'm Russian and English (also known as Commie and Limey). My junior high school was about 60% black. That's probably how I learned to talk like that.
Dean S. Planet: A big thanks to RePete, the mastermind behind the Touch Tone Terrorists for taking time out and granting me this interview.

You can visit TouchToneTerrorists.com for more information on how and where you can purchase their hilarious CDs.