But seriously, man... a tsunami?? I think that's God's way of literally spanking your country's ass, using a giant tidal wave instead of a hand. ("Bad country!" THWACK! "Bad country!" THWACK!) And now, all the celebrities have a bug up their asses thinking of ways to help out in this disaster. Thank God for the celebs... where would our social conscious be without them? (Sarcasm mode is now OFF.) As for me, I'm just glad that God is pissed at somebody else for a change... it's usually us that brings on His wrath. I mean, everybody knows the USA is Satan's spawning ground, right? Of course it is! That's a responsibility I take VERY seriously, people.

SCOTT PETERSON BUYS ONE WAY TICKET TO HADES
I'm sick to death hearing about this asshole. Yeah, it was tragic case. Yeah, it's horrible that a mother and her unborn child were murdered. But why is the media fixated on THIS particular case? Hell, I'm sure a mom and her child are being butchered in Detroit right now as I write this. You'll never hear about it, though--and neither will I, unless I happen to catch a blurb on the local news as I'm slamming down whiskey later tonight. But you see, the media doesn't give a fuck about "regular" people... and that basically means that if someone like you or I gets murdered, nobody is going to give two shits. The ONLY reason that Scott and Laci became such a big deal is because they were a young, photogenic couple--and we all know that's it's MUCH more tragic when attractive people die, isn't it? To hell with us ugly assholes, we can all fuck off and die horrible deaths as far as the media is concerned. Somebody like me would be fortunate to make the "Death Notices" section in the local paper if I kicked the bucket.

A female friend of mine begrudgingly admitted that she finds Scott Peterson "pretty hot." And THAT'S what this is all about. If he looked like me, nobody would give a fuck about what happens to him.

CHRISTOPHER REEVE DIES
At least one good thing came out of this whole thing about Superman kicking the bucket--it finally answered the one burning question that I had about him; "Is it Christopher REEVE or Christopher REEVES?" Well, now I know. I suppose that I could have just checked the credits on my Superman DVD, but we all know I'm far too lazy for that shit.

I never had anything against Reeve--but I did take issue with people calling him a "hero." Okay, so he fell off a horse and paralyzed himself... what exactly is "heroic" about that? The fact that he chose to go on living, as opposed to killing himself? What's so great about that? He wouldn't have been able to do it without help, anyway! I've gone over 30 years without putting a gun in my mouth and believe me, my life sucks way more than Reeve's probably did. Yeah, he was confined to his wheelchair and all, but at least the guy had money...

Plus, he did the typical thing that celebrities do when they're stricken with some sort of affliction--he suddenly became a champion of said affliction, in this case spinal cord research. Michael J. Fox did the same thing when he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. It was all "We must find a cure for this terrible disease!!!" Well, of course you feel that way... YOU HAVE THE DISEASE! Do you think Fox would give a fuck about Parkinson's if he didn't have it? Do you think Reeve would have been pushing for spinal cord research if he hadn't been paralyzed? Fuck no! He would have been riding around on his fucking horses, jumping fences and wearing the dumb little hats those people wear.

So maybe I sound a tad insensitive... but really, I'm just trying to make a point here. I'm not happy that Reeve is gone and I'm not happy that Fox has Parkinson's--hell, my grandfather has it, too. And for it's worth, I actually like both of these guys. But are they "heroes?"

Fuck no, they ain't.

THAT DAMN MIDOL COMMERCIAL
All right, admittedly this is NOT a major news story by anybody's definition. But I feel compelled to talk about it, because this stupid commercial has been haunting my dreams ever since it debuted last year. Have you seen it? If not, it goes like this;

Four chicks are at the beach, right? One of them is a hot ass blonde with a great rack wearing a blue bikini. (I never really noticed what her friends look like, but one of them is a black chick.) Just as I'm picturing myself throwing the blonde down in the sand and disappointing her with my lack of sexual prowess, one of her friends says;

"YOU'RE WEARING A BIKINI WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR PERIOD?"

"Sure, why not?" she says cutely.

"OH I DON'T KNOW... CRAMPING, BLOATING..."

....and this is where the fun ended for me. Listen, I know that all women menstruate... at least until that whole "hot flashes" stage kicks in... but that doesn't mean I need to hear about it. I mean, here I am, enjoying the image of a gorgeous woman in a bikini and suddenly I'm picturing a tampon underneath her swimsuit. Kinda ruins the moment, you know? Let me put this into perspective for the ladies; how would YOU like it if a commercial came on with buff guys wearing Speedo's and one says to the other;

"HEY JOHN, ARE YOU STILL HAVING PROBLEMS WITH SMELLY CHEESE FORMING ON YOUR NUTSACK?"

I'm pretty sure you'd be disturbed. Well, this is exactly how I feel about the Midol commercial--especially at the very end, where the blonde says "I'd KILL for a brownie!" and her friend laughs and says "Yep, she's menstrual!"

Jeezus pleezus, that shit is just wrong.

REALITY TV STARTS SOUNDING THE DEATH RATTLE

It's about fucking time! How many times can these networks keep remaking the SAME FUCKING SHOW? Think about it--the premises are slightly different from show to show, but the overall concept is exactly the same. Get a bunch of people together. Have them work toward a common goal (and money). Eliminate them, one by one. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I knew it was getting critical when I saw "The Real Gilligan's Island" reality show on TBS. What a fucking piece of shit THAT was. Seriously, wasn't the original "Gilligan's Island" bad enough? Now we need a reality version of it, too?? I can just imagine what the pitch meeting for that show was like. I'm sure it was; "Hey, I know! Let's get a movie star, a professor, a skipper and a bunch of other assholes and put them on an island together! Then, we'll have them vote each other off! But this is NOTHING like 'Survivor', though... nope, not at all. Does 'Survivor' have a loser dressed up like Gilligan, complete with a floppy hat and red shirt? I THINK NOT!"

Yes, you know it's pretty much over for the reality genre when networks like TBS and UPN are throwing their hats in the ring. Mark my words, folks--2005 will pretty much be the end of reality TV. "American Idol" will survive, "Survivor" will survive... but most of the rest will be gone. That's perfectly fine with me, because it means the networks will get back to doing what they do best--churning out unfunny, poorly-written sitcoms.

Never thought I'd be looking forward to THAT.

-JTL

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