The following people are assholes. Sometimes assholes are individuals, and sometimes they travel in packs with other assholes like themselves. But believe me, these people are assholes--and if you disagree with my assessment of them, you're obviously an asshole yourself. This list will be updated periodically.

KIRSTIE ALLEY: ASSHOLE WITH TITS
I wonder why it is that only men are referred to as assholes. You can call a woman a lot of things, such as whore, bitch, slut, skank and cum dumpster, but you'll never hear someone refer to a female as "asshole." Why is this? It's not like having an asshole is strictly a male trait. Last time I checked, assholes were a pretty universal feature of humanity. So why is it a masculine insult? After all, it's perfectly okay to call me a "bitch" and I don't even have a vagina. Sounds like a double standard to me. Well, I'm going to rectify that right now, because Kirstie Alley, YOU are an asshole.

So I guess you're probably wondering why I just called Kirstie Alley an asshole. I'll tell you why--the broad had the nerve to insult me the other day, right here in my own home. I was sitting in my chair, watching TV and eating a baked potato. I was happily minding my own business when suddenly, Kirstie Alley appeared on the screen in a Jenny Craig commercial.
"Hello, can I speak with Jenny?" she was babbling into a telephone. "Well... it's regarding me being FAT."

I was hardly paying attention at this point, being more concerned with getting just the right amount of salt on my potato. Besides, what do I care if Kirstie Alley is fat? She hasn't been fuckable since "Summer School" and even if she was, I'd never stick my dick into a Scientologist anyway. But then, Kirstie looked directly at me through the screen, got an excited grin on her face and exclaimed "Hey! You're chubby, too! Let's lose weight together!"

I was so taken aback I almost dropped my fork. Where does this bitch get off calling me "chubby?" I wasn't doing anything to her, I was just trying to enjoy my meal. And she has the nerve to start talking shit to me?? Look, Kirstie, I don't want to lose weight with you. I don't even know you. Besides, it's pretty sad when you're asking for MY help. Join a fucking gym. Better yet, just BUY a gym, get a personal trainer, buy some fucking Lean Cuisines AND LEAVE ME OUT OF IT. I already know I'm "chubby", you ditzy broad. But if you're so concerned about me losing weight, strip down to a thong and bend over in front of me. I probably won't have an appetite for WEEKS.

Despite my chagrin, Kirstie was still trying to persuade me to be her weight loss buddy. Look, if she REALLY wants to drop some pounds, maybe she needs to get back on the cocaine. As it is, she did seem a little too manic, considering she was hawking shitty frozen food on a TV commercial. "Have you called Jenny?" Kirstie asked me, clutching her phone receiver like a chocolate eclair.

"Yeah, I called Jenny," I yelled back at her. "I told her to tongue my schlong up and down like a candy cane. Then I told her to eat a giant bag of donkey shit and die!" I guess I may have overreacted a bit, but I don't take kindly to washed-up sitcom actors telling me how to live my life. What an asshole.

THAT BEARDED GUY ON THE "SAVE THE CHILDREN" COMMERCIALS
I wish this guy would just shut the fuck up already. I can't even turn on the TV these days without being harassed by him, standing there with his arms around some malnourished foreign children and trying to make me feel like an asshole because I'm not feeding them. "Thousands of these children are dying every day," he says in a grave voice. "And you can help feed and clothe them for just pennies a day... less than the cost of a cup of coffee." Well shit, I should HOPE it's less than a cup of coffee. Have you been to a Starbucks lately? Yeah, well, neither have I. And I won't be going there anytime in the near future, unless I happen to get my hands on a flame thrower. Then I'm torching all those metrosexual assholes to a crisp.

You know why this guy is an asshole? He's trying to manipulate me, and I don't like that. It's not my fault these kids are hungry. It's not my fault they sit around in the dirt with flies landing on them. So don't try to guilt me into sending money by trying to tug at my heartstrings. I have no money and I have no heartstrings. Hell, it's hard enough keeping MYSELF fed, without worrying about what's going on in some country I've never heard of. Besides, don't we have enough starving people in THIS country? Shouldn't they take precedent? You know damn well the people in these commercials do their best to look pitiful for the cameras, then they run off in groups to torch American flags. I like how the whole world hates us, yet we're supposed to feel all this warm and fuzzy compassion for everybody else. Sounds like bullshit to me.

By now, I'm sure many of you think I'M the asshole for saying these things. I can just hear some of you now... "What about the CHILDREN? Don't you care about the CHILDREN??" It's always about the fucking children. Well, let's think about this for a moment... let's imagine that you're living in one of these desolate countries. There's nothing to eat. There's no clean water. People are dropping dead from disease all around you. So what do you do? YOU FUCK LIKE RABBITS AND KEEP BRINGING KIDS INTO THE WORLD. Does that make ANY sense at all? If I was living in a mud hut and eating bugs for breakfast, the last thing I'd want to do is have a fucking kid. Obviously, these people care a lot more about getting their rocks off than they care about human life. And yet I'M the heartless prick? Keep it in your pants, you stupid assholes.

You know what I would do to "save the children?" I'd send over cartons of condoms to these people and explain the merits of birth control. If they have religious issues with it, they can go fuck themselves. I would explain very simply... "You people have nothing to eat. SO STOP HAVING CHILDREN." And what if someone ignores this edict and has kids anyway, you ask? It's very simple--anyone ignoring the rules gets put up on a giant rotisserie and THEY become dinner that night for the village. Yeah, maybe cannibalism sounds a bit disgusting for our Westernized tastes, but I guarantee it's better than the shit they usually eat. Then I would take the kids aside and say "Remember this for when you hit puberty, because THIS is what happens when you have children you can't take care of."
See that? PROBLEM SOLVED.

Actually, it would solve two problems... it would straighten out some of the bullshit going on in those barren, desert countries and it would get that bearded asshole off my TV set. I already have more than enough things to feel guilty about, motherfucker. I don't need your bullshit, too.

-JTL

Who do you think is an asshole (aside from me)? E-mail me HERE
AOL IM: "JeremyTheLoner"