Kirk Cameron vs. The Homosexuals

"Where do bad folks go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
They go to a lake of fire and fry
See 'em again on the 4th of July."
-Meat Puppets

So I was watching TV earlier tonight, restlessly flipping through the channels for something enlightening to watch. I wasn't having much luck (as usual), and as I surfed from channel to channel I made the same observation that so many of us have made--cable TV, for the most part, really blows cock. Seriously, it blows more cock than a five dollar hooker behind a liquor store. It's nothing more than a barren wasteland of forgotten movies, lame episodes of "Dr. 90210" and "Roseanne" reruns. And let's not forget the dozens of wacky religious networks, who are more than happy to help you save your troubled, tortured soul... for a price, of course.

Listen, I have nothing against Christians. But let's face it--religious programming is a total waste of time, not to mention mind-numbingly boring. I have nothing against the message per say, it's the execution that bugs me. Most Christian shows are shoddily made and produced, and they star bible thumping, self righteous old men that tell you a bunch of shit you don't want to hear. It's misguided, to say the least. People watch TV to be entertained, not to be told what sinful assholes they are. (I mean, what would you rather watch? An old geezer droning on about "the wages of sin" or some insecure attention whore chowing down elk penises on "Fear Factor?") This is the same reason that Christian rock music sucks--it's all well intentioned, but Jesus and rock and roll just don't mix. We all know that the cool bands are doing Satan's work, which is all about sex, drugs and money. I'd rock out to that kind of shit over peace, love and forgiveness any day of the week. Maybe I'll go to hell for saying that... but at least they'll have cool music there, as opposed to, say, Stryper. BLEAH!

Anyway, I happened upon the Trinity Network, which is one of many religious channels on Comcast cable. But instead of seeing the obligatory image of some old man waving his bible, sobbing and pleading with me to call the 1-800 number on the screen and pledge money, I  was instead greeted with something far more startling--former teen idol Kirk Cameron. Unfortunately, though, this wasn't that Mike Seaver guy we remember from "Growing Pains" who used to skip school with Boner so they could play hooky at the mall. No, instead Kirk was wandering the streets of California, talking about his faith and... get this... preaching the Gospel to random, unsuspecting homosexuals. And no, I'm not making this up.

I wasn't surprised to see Kirk on a religious channel, because he is "born again" after all. Did anyone else see the E! True Hollywood about "Growing Pains?" Several years into the show's run, Cameron decided that he was tired of the groupies, the money and fast cars and "found Jesus" between seasons during the show's hiatus. In other words, he went from a fun loving guy to a complete pain in the ass. In turn, the Mike Seaver character went from a scheming trouble maker to a mindless, almost robotic Stepford child who never even DREAMED of doing anything wrong. The change in the show was immediate and devastating. At its peak, "Growing Pains was a top ten show--and that was mainly due to the Mike Seaver character, who was the guy most of us wish we could have been in high school (minus the ridiculous haircut, of course). Mike had ALL the chicks, all the fun and was always getting into trouble. Guys like me got NO chicks whatsoever, and were happy if we got through the day without having our books knocked from our hands and then kicked down the hallway. We didn't want to see Mike turn into a pussy mama's boy, as some of us lived vicariously through him. But he did... oh God, did he. And not only did most of us stop watching "Growing Pains" at that point, even the producers got sick of Kirk's Christian bullshit and quit the show in disgust. There are few people in this world that are more annoying than born again Christians... well, maybe Clay Aiken fans give them a run for the money, but that's about it.

"It's true that many homosexuals are very kind, nice people. But the bible teaches us that homosexuality is an abomination in the eyes of God, and sin makes God angry. Many homosexuals say they were born that way and they didn't choose to be homosexual, but Jesus said that we must resist sin. Temptation isn't a sin in and of itself, but acting on the temptation is. Homosexuality is a lifestyle choice..."

....And so on. But it wasn't enough for Cameron to just have this opinion and keep it to himself. Instead, he took to the streets of California to minister directly to the gay community... and not surprisingly, there were no shortage of gay men to be found. (We ARE talking about California here.) A typical exchange would go something like this;

KIRK: "Do you consider yourself a good person?"

GAY MAN: "Oh yes, definitely."

KIRK: "Have you ever lied to anyone before?"

GAY MAN: "Of course, we all tell lies sometimes."

KIRK: "Have you ever taken the Lord's name in vain and used God as a curse word?"

GAY MAN: "Unfortunately, yes, but I try not to."

KIRK: "Okay, have you ever committed adultery?"

GAY MAN: "No, that I have never done. No."

KIRK: "Are you aware that Jesus said that even if you just look at another person with lust in your heart, you've already committed adultery? Have you ever done that?"

GAY MAN: "Well, yeah..."

KIRK: "So what you're saying is this... you're a liar, a blasphemer and an adulterer, as well as a homosexual. Is that correct?"

At this point, Cameron would launch into his Christian rhetoric and explain to the gay man--very politely, mind you--that he was a sinner and an affront to God who was traveling that magical "highway to hell." And I'll tell you what, I have to hand it to those gay guys because they were a LOT nicer about it than I would have been. Even as some washed up teen idol told them what sinful lives they've led, they were gracious, polite and completely non-confrontational. I would have been offended as all hell if some asshole started in with that bullshit on me--in fact, I actually WAS kind of offended, and I'm not even a homosexual! My feeling was "Who the fuck does this guy think he is??"

Think about it--here's a rich, famous guy who's had all the women and all the money he could ever need in his life. While the rest of us were getting hit with spitballs in study hall, he was hanging out at the Playboy mansion and partying with groupies. And now that he's had his fill of that lifestyle, he has the gall to start telling other people how they should live their lives? Man, what a dick! Why pick on gay men, anyway? They don't bother anybody. It's funny that Kirk has no problems chastising passive homosexuals--but why not go to prison and start preaching at convicted murderers on death row, Kirk? I'd love to see you try that, but apparently, you're not in THAT big of a hurry to go and be with God. Hell, you didn't even bother any lesbians while you were out preaching--I think that maybe it's because a hulking diesel dike would have beaten the hell out of your weenie ass.

It's strange that Kirk is supposedly the "Christian," yet he has no problems with judging other people. Hey man, doesn't the bible also say "Judge not, lest ye yourself be judged?" I think that if you're so gung-ho on quoting scripture, you should realize that it's God's job to make judgements on people, not yours. Besides, the bible also says that we all fall short of the glory of God, so shouldn't we be given a pass and be granted forgiveness for our sins?

"No," Kirk would say. "If someone was to commit murder and admit to doing it, what would you say about a judge that set them free? Would you consider them a good judge? No, of course you wouldn't... so why would you expect any less of God?"

The homosexuals didn't have an answer to that, but I do. I've broken just about all of the ten commandments--in fact, I'm holding steady with nine out of ten. I'm a liar, a blasphemer,  a thief... hell, I've even coveted my neighbor's wife many, many times. And if the "looking at a woman with lust is the same thing as adultery" edict is true, I commit adultery several hundred times a day. The ONLY commandment I haven't broken is "Thou shalt not kill." But if Kirk Cameron approaches me on the street and shoves a microphone in my face, I may just have to break that one, too.

The simple fact is this... you can read the bible and pick out plenty of things to fit your own agenda. But if you're going to take every word of it LITERALLY (as Kirk Cameron seems to do), most of us are dropping the ball. For example, the bible says we're not supposed to work on Sunday, the Sabbath. If we do, we're going to hell. Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I always have to work Sunday... so I guess I'll see all of you retail employees in hell. The bible also says "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." So what are we supposed to do? Slaughter Stevie Nicks? Well, okay, but wouldn't we be breaking ANOTHER commandment in the process? And like I said earlier, if adultery is what the Catholics refer to as a "mortal sin," then I guess I was condemned to hell by the time I was 9 years old. But Jesus also said (In Matthew 19:14) "Suffer little children and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven." So, if I had died before I reached puberty, would I have gone to hell for thinking Marcia Brady was a piece of ass? I think not...

Bottom line? Kirk Cameron can kiss my ass. And if I'm going to hell for saying that, I'm sure he'll hold the door for me. -JTL

Feel like dropping Kirk a line? Stop by his website at wayofthemaster.com and let him know EXACTLY what you think of him. Just tell 'em Jeremy the Loner sent you.

Or, you can send prayers for my soul HERE
AIM: "JeremyTheLoner"