Sir/Madam
We are pleased to inform you about the result of the Winners
International Lottery Brussels programs held on the 5th feb. 2005

Your e-mail address attached to the Ticket No:1001-58255563-2285 with
Serial No: 8888/03 drew from the Lucky No:02-22-00-66-99-85-52-12-36-50,
which consequently won the lottery in the first category.

You have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of EUROS
€1,000,000.00 (One Million Euros) in cash credited to security file REF
NUMBER GWK/5333/025648/03UAD .This is from total prize money of EUROS €50,
000,000.00 shared among the fifty, international winners in this 1st
category.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!.

Your funds is now deposited with our Payment/Finance Department in the
security company to your e-mail address,
Due to the mixed up of some numbers and e-mail addresses, we ask that
you keep this winning a top secret from the public
notice until your claims has been processed and remitted to your
account as this is apart of the security protocol.

TO FILE FOR YOUR CLAIM, PLEASE CONTACT YOUR
CLAIM MANAGER. DR Philip Eric. PHONE 0032-498-183-573.
Email: grobalfirm@netscape.net
Sincerely yours,
MRS Heida Marcel.
(Lottery Co-ordinator)

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I was so excited, I immediately wrote back to claim my prize. Boy oh boy, that money is as good as mine! Take a look at my acceptance e-mail--unless, of course, you're too jealous of me to even keep reading. Seriously, it's not every day you get to win a mysterious, international lottery! You poor bastards.
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Oh, happy day!

You have no idea how overjoyed I am to be a GRAND
PRIZE WINNER in your sweepstakes! Tears are streaming
down my face as I write this! I mean, like, wow! I
must be the luckiest man on earth to win all of this
money. To tell you the honest truth, I wasn't even aware that I had entered the
sweepstakes in the first place! Ain't that just a KICK?

Listen, I can appreciate you people wanting to keep
this quiet. So do I, to be honest with you. As far as
I'm concerned, what the IRS don't know won't hurt
them. (Wink, wink.) You see what I'm getting at?
Besides, I am in desperate need of a new liver because
the one I have now is SHOT. Those asshole doctors put
me way down at the bottom of the organ waiting list, just because I
refused to quit drinking. One doctor got all pissy with
me when I brought a flask of whiskey along on my last appointment.
Hey, it's my liver, my cirrhosis and MY LIFE. If I want to take a few swigs of rotgut during my medical exam, that's my business. So anyway, I eventually gave up and started pricing
livers on the black market--but shit, I didn't have that
kind of cash.

But I do now, don't I? YES!

And to think I was gonna skip town because I was in the
hole with my bookie for over 10 grand! YEAH, WELL I
CAN BUY AND SELL YOUR ASS NOW, GUIDO!!!

You people are real saints, you know that? God
bless you for helping needy people such as myself. If
you ever fly in from Brussels (or wherever the fuck you're from), I'm taking you all out
to the titty bar... my treat!

So is my check in the mail, or what?

Respectfully,

Jeremy the Loner
-----------------------------------------------------------
Well, I don't want to rub my newfound wealthy status in your collective faces. Still, I am ready to start accepting propositions from hot women, who will do doubt suddenly realize what a great guy I am and want to be my new love toy. As for my lottery winnings, don't you worry, ladies--I'll get them. Because as we all know, any unsolicited e-mail from a foreign country MUST be legitimate. I'll let you know when they respond...

Oh, and by the way, did you hear that Bill Gates is "giving away his fortune?" No really, it's true! All you need to do is forward this special e-mail I received to everybody in your address book, and Microsoft's "e-mail tracking program" will take care of the rest. Isn't the internet WONDERFUL???


CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER SUCKS
Rather than go into a rambling diatribe about why this guy blows chunks (and he does), I'm going to break it down for you in three easy steps;

1) I DON'T LIKE HIS NAME
I must admit, it takes some balls to give yourself a name like "Cedric the Entertainer." I mean, lots of people call themselves "entertainers", but how many can lay claim to being THE entertainer? Only one, as it turns out. Well, I have news for you, Cedric--I don't find you entertaining. Not in the least. In fact, I'd like to sue you because I think your name is false advertising. Think about it this way... I call myself "Jeremy the Loner" and that's exactly what I am. My name IS Jeremy and I AM a loner. I doubt that anybody who knows me would dispute my description of myself. With me, what you see is what you get.

So where do you get off saying that you "entertain" me, Cedric? I didn't permit you to speak for me. Not only do I NOT think you're funny, those gay hats you always wear piss me off. If you're going to pick a name that supposedly classifies who and what you are, at least be truthful about it. You already had the nerve to proclaim yourself one of the original so-called "Kings of Comedy." What kind of bullshit is that? Hell, that's like when Jacko started calling himself "The King of Pop." Just because you say it's so doesn't MAKE it so, asshole. And in my opinion, any "Kings of Comedy" list that doesn't include George Carlin and Bill Cosby is complete and utter horseshit.

Getting back to your "stage name"... Why "Cedric the Entertainer," anyway? Was "Cedric the Waste of Oxygen" already taken? You ought to seriously consider changing your name, dipshit. Try being honest for a change.

2) HE'S STARRING IN A MOVIE REMAKE OF "THE HONEYMOONERS"
I can't tell you how much this pisses me off. Why, in the name of all that's good and holy, do we NEED a remake of "The Honeymooners?" Is Hollywood totally bankrupt on original ideas? Apparently so, because any rendition of "The Honeymooners" that doesn't star both Jackie Gleason and Art Carney is a fucking travesty, not to mention a complete waste of time. Whoever it is that's responsible for this mess deserves to have a steel-toed boot shoved up their ass sideways.

Just imagine the pitch meeting for this steaming pile of shit;

SLEAZY PRODUCER: "I have an idea whose time has come... how about a movie adaptation of an old sitcom?"

DUMBASS STUDIO GUY: "Gee, I don't know. That's been done a few times already. And we all know what happened with the film versions of Lost In Space and Dennis The Menace. I'm lucky that I still have a fucking job. That film version of The Avengers was so bad, my wife left me."

SLEAZY PRODUCER: "Yeah, but I'm talking about an ALL NEW movie version of The Honeymooners!"

DUMBASS STUDIO GUY: "Yeah, but aren't those guys dead?"

SLEAZY PRODUCER: "Yes, but so what? We'll just get a new cast of black actors and make a hip, urban version of it! Everything is cooler when you put a little 'soul' in it, brotha! Besides, the public has been practically DEMANDING an updated version of The Honeymooners for years. I'm telling you, we can't miss!"

DUMBASS STUDIO GUY: (Sill not convinced) I don't know... can we get Wil Smith? How about Chris Tucker and Ice Cube?"

SLEAZY PRODUCER: "Even better, man, even better. We have Cedric the Entertainer as Ralph Kramden! And if you're looking for those mega 'family movie' bucks, we can cast some annoying black kids for comic relief!"

DUMBASS STUDIO GUY: "That's all I needed to hear! I'M SOLD! Here's a check for 100 million, you fucking genius!"

I fucking hate Hollywood. I really do.

3) HE'S STARRING IN A REMAKE OF "BACK TO SCHOOL"
So, are you STILL not convinced this guy sucks? What more proof do you need? It wasn't bad enough that he had to foul Jackie Gleason's good name with his unfunny, dogshit hijinks--now he's dragging Rodney Dangerfield's corpse into it as well. The last time I checked, nobody was saying "Gee, you know what the world needs? A remake of Back To School starring Cedric the Entertainer." Has anybody EVER said that? Fuck no, they haven't. "The King of Comedy," my ass. "How about "The King of Unwanted Remakes That Nobody Asked For?" What an asshole.

Did I mention how much I fucking hate Hollywood?

JEREMY THE LONER'S MAILBAG

-On "A Classic Rant"

Yo what ^. Dat ish u wrote about tha Pepsi gurl was
str8 cold dawg. Why u hate'n? Yo, shorty is mad
talented B. Dat gurl iz gonna blow up someday soon.
Wait n see.

Jaquwon.
North Philly's firest, holla.