I must warn you, I'm in a bad mood right now. I had a birthday earlier this month, which accounts for my hiatus on Dean's Planet. Birthdays piss me off, and besides, they cease to be fun after you've had around 21 of them. So much like last year, I crawled into a bottle for a few weeks and gave my liver and kidneys a sound thrashing. Aside from that, I hate my job, my car sucks and the ONLY woman that I ever truly cared for recently walked out of my life again... forever this time. I wouldn't say she broke my heart, though. It's more like she pounded the fucking thing into smithereens with a sledgehammer and then set the remains ablaze with a flamethrower. That's what I get for looking at a woman as something more than an object of lust, I suppose. So, I guess you could say it was all my own damn fault...

But I'm feeling MUCH better now.

All things considered, with my current frame of mind I figured it might be a good time for a new "Assholes" column. Away we go;   The following people are assholes. Sometimes assholes are individuals, and sometimes they travel in packs with other assholes like themselves. But believe me, these people are assholes--and if you disagree with my assessment of them, you're obviously an asshole yourself. This list will be updated periodically.

MARK MCGWIRE
I must admit, it seems almost unfair to single out one professional athlete for the title of "asshole." I mean, just consider what's been going on in the world of professional sports over these past few months--there was a brawl involving both fans and players at a Pistons and Pacers game, a baseball steroid scandal and an NHL lockout which caused an entire season to be lost simply because of mindless greed. After taking everything into consideration, I was led to one inescapable conclusion--just about ALL professional athletes are total assholes. However, with the baseball season underway, I decided to concentrate on one of the so-called greats of the game... a guy named Mark McGwire. 

Thanks to the new book by Jose Conseco, we now have hard evidence that America's pastime has long been infected with steroid use.  Now, I think most of us are smart enough to know that the game of baseball is crawling with 'roid heads, and has been for some time. I remember back in '98 during the home run race between Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire, I started getting suspicious as to how a decades old record could suddenly be challenged by two guys in the same season. McGwire ended up hitting 70 homers that year, a seemingly unattainable task for a mere mortal. Personally, I was rooting for Sosa to take the title--he seemed like a far more humble guy and I liked him better. So then what happens? Sosa gets caught using a corked bat during a game. Man oh man, what a dipshit. Nice way to tarnish your legacy, dummy.

It's funny, though, because I took only one look at McGwire (and his stupid red mullet) and figured out the secret to his ill-gotten success almost immediately. "Look at that guy!" I ranted. "He's a steroid gobblin' fuckhead!" I didn't have any concrete evidence of this, mind you, but come on now... the guy had forearms that looked like Popeye's and freakish strength. It didn't take a genius to put two and two together on THAT one.

At the time, McGwire's camp denied that he was taking steroids or any other unseemly substances. No-o-o-o, of COURSE not... they claimed that Mark was simply taking "supplements." Well, I wasn't buying that bullshit for a second. That's like shooting heroin and claiming that you aren't on "drugs", you're merely taking "mood enhancers." You can use euphemisms and vague terminology all you want to, but the bottom line is this... the guy was on fucking steroids. And when he was called to testify at the steroid hearings that major league baseball held a while back, he was too much of a fucking pussy to admit it. Instead, he just sat there sobbing like a teenage girl watching "Titanic" and declined to answer any questions regarding whether or not he was on the juice. Again, nice way to tarnish your legacy, you idiot. Somebody needs to shove a baseball bat straight up his hick ass... fat end first. Be a man and admit that you fucked up, don't sit around and cry about it. I'll bet that kid of his is wearing a bag over his head these days.

Why the hell would anybody want to take steroids in the first place?? Sure, you'll bulk up a bit and get some added strength, but consider the side effects--you'll eventually end up with a shriveled up raisin dick. Now, I don't know about the rest of the guys reading this, but I don't need muscles THAT badly. I'd rather be a flabby wimp and keep my dick the way that it is, thank you very much. Unless, of course, science finally invents a penis enlargement pill that actually WORKS. When (and if) that glorious day ever arrives, consider me first in line to buy an entire case of them. Until then, I'm leaving things well enough alone. Because truthfully, I, uh... don't have any inches to spare. (See that, Mark?? I admitted something rather embarrassing about myself. It's called "being a man," you overrated, mullet-headed dildo.)

So, Mark, thanks for proving to today's youth that the pro athletes they idolize are nothing more than drug addicts looking for an unfair advantage, and that the ONLY way to get ahead in life is to cheat your ass off. Great job, man.

Moving right along...

MICHAEL JACKSON
Some of you may be surprised to see that I'm calling Jacko an asshole, as opposed to the more common names for him. You know, names like "freak", "needle nose", "skinny white chick", "Cub Scout Ass Wrangler" and "Rubba Rubba Rump Ranger." But his current (and past) behavior, both in and out of court, necessitates adding "asshole" to his long list of nicknames. This guy is gonna moonwalk his scrawny ass all the way to prison, where (as I understand it) the games of "Rubba Rubba" tend to get a bit rough....

I hope that being in court every day has shown Jacko that a world exists outside the walls of Neverland, a world that frowns on romping in the sack with adolescent boys. I hope that he's realizing this, but somehow I doubt that he is. He's already shown up to court late several times, claiming to be suffering from a "back injury." Is anybody actually buying this guy's bullshit? Seriously, how the hell could he hurt his back in the first place? Do you honestly think he ever does ANYTHING physically strenuous? Not likely... the dude (?) is surrounded by leeches and sycophants that pamper him, affix his nose every day, put on his eyeliner and lipstick for him and probably even wipe and powder his skinny white ass. The ONLY circumstances in which I can see Jacko genuinely hurting his back involve a 10 year old boy, some licorice whips and a trampoline... but maybe that's just me being cynical again.

I'm getting pretty sick and tired of this pansy ass fucktard shoveling his version of reality in everyone's faces and expecting us all to eagerly swallow it. (Insert "young boy" joke here.) I really don't think that anybody believes that he hurt his back, just like nobody believed him when he claimed cops roughed him up and locked him in a bathroom with "doo doo" and "feces" smeared on the walls. Shut the fuck up, you drama queen.

I'll tell you something else that's been bugging me lately--every chance he gets, Jacko keeps insisting to anyone within earshot that he is "100% innocent" of all the charges against him. Maybe he thinks that if he keeps saying it, we'll all eventually become brainwashed like Geraldo and believe him. Okay, then, everybody listen up... I look exactly like Brad Pitt. I look exactly like Brad Pitt. I look exactly like Brad Pitt. I look exactly like Brad Pitt. I look exactly like Brad Pitt....

No wait... I'm actually hideously ugly. Damn, it really sucks having to live in the real world.

I think the judge hearing this case is an asshole, too. Not only did he refuse to let TV cameras in the courtroom (dammit), he also didn't make good on his threat to throw Jacko in the slammer if he was late to court. Why is this judge such a pussy, anyway? Don't make idle threats, you bastard! It only lends credence to Jacko's arrogant view of the world, which is "You can't tell ME what to do, I'm Michael Jackson." So the next time he stumbles into court an hour late wearing his jammies, grow a set of balls and throw his ass into the prison shower with a bunch of horny inmates. We'll see how arrogant he is when he's pinned down on the floor and slapped about the face with a bunch of convict cocks. Because as we all suspect, Jacko loses interest in cocks once they start growing hair...

What an asshole.

-JTL

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