So what do you get when you have Mini Me, the "8th Wonder of the World", Peter Brady and a former Go-Go all under one roof? Actually, you get two things--first off, you have a group of people that I'd fully expect to see at a comic book convention someday, hawking autographed pictures of themselves to geeks at $10 a pop. Secondly, you have the cast of "The Surreal life 4," the show that I just can't seem to stop watching. Holy shit, man, I REALLY need to find a new hobby. I'm not even sure I like this damn show anymore and yet, much like when I'm faced with the sight of Jennifer Tilly's ample cleavage, I can't... tear... my eyes... away... DAMN IT....

I have to give it up for Vh-1 though, because each season's casts keeps getting more and more fucked up. I like the vibe that they're going for--watching the show is so bizarre, it makes me feel stoned even without the benefits of the sweet leaf. Seriously, I've seen some pretty fucked up shit in my time, but I NEVER thought I'd see Mini Me sitting naked on a scooter and pissing on the carpet while Da Brat quietly scolds him. ("Dat's not da restroom, baby...") Let's take a closer look at the madness;

VERNE TROYER
I think it must suck to be a little person, particularly when you're as tiny as Verne. Imagine going through life being the same height as Yoda--I mean, is it any wonder the guy drinks like a fucking fish? I'd be pretty pissed off too if I was a 35 year old man and people were constantly picking me up and carrying me around like a Teddy Ruxpin doll. I should think it must be difficult to retain any masculine dignity when the average 10 year old girl can punt your tiny ass like a football. But I digress...

We all know that Verne is going to be known as "Mini Me" for the rest of his life. That's all and nothing else. And he has to know it, too, despite his whining about he wants "serious acting roles." Sure thing, Verne... rest assured if Hollywood ever needs a leading man smaller than a step stool with a voice like one of the munchkins from "The Wizard of Oz", you'll be the FIRST one they call. Well, assuming that Warrick Davis is unavailable, of course...

As far as Verne's role on "The Surreal Life" goes, he's not unlike "Ryan Starr" from the last season. This means that he doesn't want to participate in ANYTHING. When a group of bratty kids was brought in for the cast to baby-sit, Verne sat off to the side on his trusty scooter, scared shitless. (And what the fuck is up with that stupid scooter, anyway?? It's not like the little bastard can't walk. I keep hoping that someone will smash the fucking thing.) He refused to go horseback riding with the cast, claming it hurt his legs and smashed his miniature nutsack. The ONLY group activity that he willingly participates in is drinking... and indeed, the first night in the house he got completely smashed and had to be carried off to bed by Christopher Knight. And then once he got there, he began lovingly stroking the side of Knight's face in an EXTREMELY gay manner and gazing into his eyes. Chris took it all in stride, but you could tell that he was a bit freaked out about it. I mean, it's not like getting hit on by a drunken dwarf is an every day occurrence, even when you're Peter Brady...

I will say this much for Verne, though--he's interesting to watch. That first night alone justified him being there, from drunkenly moaning "I'm all right, I'm all right, I'm all right" in bed to standing naked and pissing on the floor--hey, that's what this show is all about.

JOANIE LAURER (aka "Chyna Doll")
Once the pride of "the organization formerly known as the WWF," Joanie learned her lesson, and she learned it the hard way... you don't fuck with Vince McMahon. And I suppose that's why she's billed as "Joanie" as opposed to "Chyna." We all know that Vince owns the name... and for all we know, he owns her soul, too. So you wanna be a wrestler, eh kiddies? Just prick your finger and sign on the dotted line...

In her heyday, she was arguably the most popular female wrestler in the world. And despite her somewhat, um.. shall we say "less-than-feminine" physique, she scored a pictorial in Playboy magazine, which many of us guys checked out--mostly out of morbid curiosity. I took one gander at her muscular ass and wasn't sure if I was more turned on or terrified. Fuck, I'm STILL not sure.

But the weird thing about Joanie is this--she actually comes off as a pretty sweet person.
She was nice enough to give Dean's Planet an interview, so she scores some brownie points for that alone. But I noticed that Dean didn't say anything about "The Surreal Life", he just talked about the sex tape she made with X-Pac. Maybe it's just me, but that's a tape I WON'T be seeing--I have no interest in seeing X-Pac's hairy ass grinding on top of Joanie. Gee, who do you think wears the pants in THAT relationship? Talk amongst yourselves...

I think I could get along with Joanie, once I got over the fact that she's one of the few women alive that could power bomb my fat ass right through the floor like it was nothing. Aside from that, she likes to stay up really late (as I do) and she likes to drink vodka for breakfast. My kind of woman! I also appreciate the fact that she walks around in skimpy clothes with her nipple constantly on display. She even staked her claim to Verne Troyer's bedroom, even though it was OBVIOUSLY designed for a dwarf. (I guess the fact that the dresser only came up to her kneecaps didn't clue her in on that.) And when Verne confronted her about it in his pissy "angry dwarf" way, she was nice enough to give in and let him have his way--even though she could have picked him up with one hand (ala King Kong and Fay Wray) and crushed the little fucker's skull like an eggshell.

I like Joanie. I like her wild ways and her vulnerability. The scene during the camping episode in which she started crying and admitted to attempting suicide was a a pretty ballsy thing to do, all things considered. Come on, Vince, get your panties out of your ass and get this woman back in the ring where she belongs. You and I both know that she could kick your ass...

MARCUS SCHENKENBERG
Pretty boy. Rock hard abs. Great hair. A smile which moistens panties in mere seconds. Oh, and one more thing... boring as all hell.

I don't know who this guy is. I don't care who he is. Apparently, he's best known as the first male supermodel and he was discovered in the early 90's while rollerblading somewhere in California. I mean, Jesus Christ, I thought only chicks went out rollerblading. It reminds me of a joke I read in one of those men magazines;

Q: What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay. (HAR HAR HAR.)

Well, I wish I had more to say about this guy, but he's only said about six words this entire season. And you know what? I don't remember any of them. So let's move on...

ADRIANNE CURRY
Two models, same season. Adrianne was the winner of some reality TV program I've never even heard of, "America's Next Top Model." Sounds like a pretty dumb show to me. What is there to being a "model", anyway? All you need to do is be able to walk down a runway in a straight line, smile, turn and walk back in the direction from whence you came. Oooooh, what an important job that is! I can see why models are so revered and respected in our society, seeing as how they perform such a VALUABLE service and all.

Fuck, the whole concept of "fashion" is such a complete waste of time. Here we have an industry dominated by gay men in hair gel who design ridiculous-looking clothing that NOBODY aside from celebrities would ever even THINK of wearing in public... and even if you DID want to wear that shit, you couldn't afford it anyway! See what I'm getting at? Calvin Klein can blow my cock... oh wait, he might actually take me up on that. Never mind.

Adrianne is exactly like 99.999% of the other models in the world today. Nice girl, nice body and absolutely nothing upstairs. Her purpose on "The Surreal Life" is to look good and waltz around naked at every possible opportunity. She does that very well, I must admit. She's the "party girl" of the house and based on the strip club episode, she'd make one hell of a hot stripper-- plus, she was the ONLY cast member to actually go through with branding the calf at the cattle ranch. But mainly, she just keeps droning on about how "hot" she thinks Christopher Knight is and how she wants to "bag a Brady." So what if the broad wasn't even born until 1982? What's a little 25 year age difference between friends?

It just goes to show you how boring that Marcus dude is. You'd think that he'd be able to bang this ditzy broad with no problems whatsoever, but he's less exciting than a John Tesh concert.

CHRISTOPHER KNIGHT (aka "Peter Brady")
I like Chris and I have to begrudgingly admire the guy. Not many guys his age have a six pack stomach and the ability to make a 22 year old girl want to polish his aging knob. Let's face it, the guy is a fucking stud. Consider the facts; During the stripper episode, the chicks were practically swinging from his nutsack. (Shit, I could go to a strip club wearing a suit of 100 dollar bills and the bitches would STILL pretend like I didn't exist.) And during the recent Brady reunion special on TV Land, Jenny McCarthy told him he was "hot." Even Marcia Brady herself, Maureen McCormick, admitted that during the Brady days she found him "very attractive." And was there EVER a chick hotter than Marcia Brady??? I THINK NOT!

Chris has the role of peacemaker in the house and he's the guy that everyone looks to when shit goes wrong. So Verne is puttering around the house, drunk off his ass and spraying the walls with dwarf piss? Call Chris. So Verne and Chyna are bitching at one another, leaving Mini Me in danger of finding his scooter shoved up his drunken, whiny ass? Call Chris. So Da Brat has the nerve to call Jane Wiedlin a "has been", even though I'd never even heard of her pompous ass until three weeks ago? Call Chris... he'll know what to do.

Much like Dave Coulier in season three, Chris has a likable, "normal guy" persona that people just seem to take to. During the last episode, a group of new age kooks came to the house to give the cast full body massages, complete with crystal pendants, meditation and needless humming. During the meditation session, Chris loudly broke wind in front of the cameras, God and everybody--and nobody thought any less of the guy for doing so. Hell, Adrianne heard his methane blast and it convinced her that he was the perfect man for her.
Trust me, you have to be a real stallion to pull THAT one off...

SHAWNTAE HARRIS (aka "Da Brat")
There's a reason why I'm referring to this arrogant broad by her given name, as opposed to her stupid rap moniker, "Da Brat." Much like "Ryan Starr" last season, this bitch is WAY too self important for her own good. And just like all rappers, she has an overly high opinion of herself. Look, when you start believing your own bullshit, you're in serious trouble. "Da Brat?" Yeah right, "Da Cunt" is more like it. "I'm the first female rapper to ever go platinum," she likes to remind us at every possible opportunity. Big fucking deal. Let's put this into perspective using another former "Surreal Life" cast member, Vanilla Ice--he not only had the FIRST rap album to ever hit #1 on the charts, he also sold seven million copies of his shitty album. Did you hear him bragging about it? Nope... in fact, he had the courtesy to acknowledge that his album was a piece of shit and that he was embarrassed by it. And if you're a rapper, it's pretty sad when Vanilla Ice has a hell of a lot more integrity and class that you do... right, Shawntae???

Every season of the show has a cast member that thinks they're too fabulous to be there. Guess who fits that description THIS season? As soon as "Da Bitch" saw Christopher Knight in the house, she immediately called her agent and started bitching "I told you I didn't want to be on this show with a bunch of washed up has-beens!" Huh??? Excuse me? Who the fuck do you think you are, you delusional bitch? And when's the last time you had a video on MTV, Shawntae? Who was president then? I guess it doesn't even matter, anyway... nobody that's cool even watches MTV.

I hate.... this... stupid... bitch.
When the other cast members first started arriving at the house, she didn't even bother introducing herself to them. Instead, she sat in the other room playing video games. How fucking rude. Then, she had the nerve to tell Jane Wiedlin that she thought of her as a "has-been." And it upset poor little Jane to the point of tears, even though I'm baffled as to why she gave two fucks about what some two-bit rapper thinks about her. Look, even if Shawntae actually believed that, was it necessary to tell her?? Besides, The Go-Go's have a legacy all their own and they're a hell of a lot more respected than "Da Skank" will EVER be. Congratulations, Shawntae, because you've just won my coveted "Suck On A Big Dick And Choke On it" award for this season! Yay!!!

(Little known fact: I guess I have to take back some of the things I said about Da Brat. I just found out that she is, in fact, an important movie star in addition to being a rapper. She appeared in Mariah Carey's blockbuster masterpiece "Glitter," so obviously her career is on the up and up.... HA HA HA HA!!!)

JANE WIEDLIN
Ahhh, sweet Jane... when I was but a wee sprout back in the early '80's, I had the hots for Jane and loved watching her frolic around in the Go-Go's videos with fellow hottie Belinda Carlisle. I had the hots for her when she played Joan of Arc in the first "Bill and Ted" movie, too. And I've gotta be honest, I STILL have the hots for her. In fact, she wins a special title all her own this year: "The Woman In The House That I'd Most Like To Bang." (And no, I'm not forgetting about Adrianne Curry. Gimmie Jane over Adrianne any old day of the fucking week. )

The cool thing about Jane is the fact that she's a walking contradiction--she looks cute and innocent, kinda like a pixie or something. Even her voice is cute. But Jane is FAR from innocent... back in her Go-Go's days, she partied harder and did more drugs than just about anyone. And I'll bet she'd be a riot in bed, too, what with her fixation on bondage and S & M. I don't care if she's in her 40's, that's fucking HOT. The first day in the house, she stripped herself naked and jumped into the hot tub with Adrianne. How fucking cool is that? She just seems like she'd be cool to hang out with, and in a show like this that's important.

But despite her free-wheeling ways, Jane is also pretty sensitive and prone to breaking into tears at a moment's notice. We all know how she reacted to Shawntae's "has-been" remark. And during the cattle ranch episode, she actually started bawling when Adrianne branded the calf because she couldn't stand to see a baby animal get hurt. Well shit, I'm no vegan but I could see her point. I ain't Ted Nugent, man... I'd much rather shoot a person than an animal. Maybe I should start by shooting Da Brat--after all, you're not a "real" rapper until you've been shot at, right? See that, I'd be doing her a favor and giving her some "street cred" at the same time! On second thought, no. I don't need to go to jail and besides, she'd be a waste of some perfectly good bullets...

All in all, this season of "The Surreal Life" isn't any better or worse than the others. It's more or less become a habit for me, much like drinking. I'm still waiting for Vh-1 to call ME up one of these seasons, though--that way, I can have the title of "Drunken Loser In The House That No One Has Ever Heard Of."

I'm good at playing that particular title... after all, I do it every single day of my life.

-JTL
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