Like many of you, I'd rather shove my head up a dead hippo's ass than I would hear any more "news" regarding Paris Hilton. Some astute readers may have noticed Paris being mentioned in some of my previous columns, in which I freely expressed my opinions regarding her and her lifestyle. Here's a quote from one of my missives, in case you missed it;

My God, there's another waste of oxygen... fucking Paris "I-have-an-IQ-lower-than-room-temperature" Hilton, who currently has my personal vote for "The Most Useless Human Being Alive Today." Yeah, she'd be saying "that's hot" when I took a lit blowtorch to her vacant face and left it a charred, blackened mess. Then I'd heave her still-smoldering body and her obnoxious little dog into a wood chipper, "Fargo" style.

Okay, so I guess a person could ascertain from what I wrote that I'm not exactly a Paris Hilton fan. I don't watch her on TV. I also don't look at pictures of her, not even the ones you horny fucks come here to Dean's Planet to see. I try not to read about her, either--but that's been getting more and more difficult, because she's all over the news, constantly.

So why am I adding to the hoopla regarding this moronic bimbo? I'll tell you why--because none of the so-called "legitimate" media seems to be commenting on how fucking ridiculous this entire situation is. The fact this woman is even famous in the first place proves to me that we are indeed living in Roman times, and this country is heading straight to hell. Why, oh WHY, would ANYBODY admire this IDIOT??

Well, get ready, because I'm going to chime in on the subject. So, either read on, or start looking for a dead hippo's asshole to put your head in...

PART I: POOR LIL' PARIS GETS IN TROUBLE
Hilton got nabbed for a DUI in 2006, which resulted in her license being suspended. Not that it should make a bit of difference for her anyway, when she probably has a fucking fleet of chauffeured limos on call 24 hours a day, just waiting to take her on shopping sprees to Rodeo Drive. But remember, Paris is a total moron. Not only did she decide to get behind the wheel anyway, she also called additional attention to herself by driving around after dark with her headlights turned off. Maybe she couldn't figure out how to turn the lights on... who knows? Either way, gee, what a genius. When you're a public figure who's also one of the most photographed people in the world, it's probably not a good idea to tool around for all to see in a car that costs more than my mother's house. You know, it's little things like this that might just call unwanted attention to yourself.

The cops couldn't help but notice, and they immediately pulled her skinny, dumb ass over. I was thrilled to see Paris might be looking at possible prison time over her mindless misdeed, but I also wasn't holding my breath. After all, I'm sure her attorneys earn more per hour than I made all of last year.

Besides, Paris had an excuse for her indiscretion; it was all a "misunderstanding," you see. Hilton claims that she thought she was still allowed to drive, so long as it was for "work-related purposes." I couldn't believe it when I read that bullshit. Work-related purposes? Wouldn't that necessitate, oh I don't know, having a fucking job? You have no idea of what "work" is, you dumb bitch. You haven't had to lift one damn finger for ANYTHING your entire pointless life, so where do you get off saying something like that? What does your "job" entail, exactly? Your imbecilic reality show? The fact that you attend red carpet events wearing obscenely over-priced designer gowns and pose for photographers who, for reasons unknown to me, want to take pictures of you?

"Work-related," huh? Give me a fucking break. Try my job on for size, you silly broad. You wouldn't last fifteen minutes.

PART II: SCHADENFREUDE
You can't possibly imagine my glee when I found out the judge presiding over Hilton's case actually had some balls, and sentenced her to several weeks behind bars. I was even giddier when I heard how Paris was "emotionally distraught" over the situation, to the point of starting a petition for her idiot fans to sign to help keep her out of jail. People actually signed the damn thing, too--and I'll bet not one of them has enough brain power to light a 10 watt bulb. As stupid as Hilton is, sometimes I think that a good number of her fans might be even dumber.

Holy shit, I just got a cold shudder when I wrote that. That's legitimately terrifying.

Still, the thought of Paris in an orange jumpsuit made me want to throw a celebration. It was almost worth throwing a party and having a bunch of people come over. But then I remembered how much I hate people, so I didn't do it.

PART III: PARIS IN JAIL
The days leading up to her incarceration marks the ONLY time I went out of my way to find information on Paris Hilton. Don't get me wrong, I knew she wouldn't be in jail for long. I also knew that her prison cell would probably still have VIP conditions--at least by prison standards--and would NOT be where they'd throw my ass in a similar situation. Nope, I'd be in with the general population, making plenty of new "boyfriends" against my will. But that's only because Paris is a much better person than I am. I mean, she must be. They only put intelligent, worthy people on TV... right?

But even though Paris' idea of "hard time" would be a cell nicer and spacier than my apartment, I was happy to see her get punished for once. I relished the thought of tears running down her unmade face as they led her to her cell in handcuffs. But to no one's surprise, Hilton was released a couple of days later, with "over-crowding" being cited as the reason. Ummm, pardon me, but how could she possibly be crowded? She was in a private cell! Maybe they needed to make room for Lindsay Lohan, huh? Or maybe not. It's hard to keep up with the celebrity rehab/jail merry-go-round...

I can't help but wonder if the Hilton family made a "donation" to some people at the prison. I mean, she was in for how long? Two days? I've had drinking binges that lasted longer than that. Hell, I might have even slept for longer than that! But as it goes, Hilton was supposedly to be put under house arrest for the duration of her sentence. Wow, that'll learn her. That would mean that poor little Paris would have to limit her partying to strictly her home! Isn't that cruel? Never mind the fact that for someone like me, being "sentenced" to a month at Hilton's house would seem like a luxury vacation. Never mind the fact that her walk-in closet is probably bigger than the house I grew up in. Yes, sir, here we had yet another case of celebrity justice.

But again, the judge has some balls because he said, "Uh-uh" and dragged her into court. Hours later, Hilton was on her way back to prison, sobbing, "It's not right!" and "Mom!! as they led her away. Let me tell you, I haven't smiled that wide since the last time I drove by a Burger King and saw they were doing the .99 Whopper promotion... and that was a long time ago.

PART IV: "GOD HAS RELEASED ME."
As of this writing, it's been roughly a week since Paris first went to prison. In that time, she claims to have had a profound personal epiphany. She claims, after this fateful week, that she is no longer the same person she once was. Perhaps the time behind bars has made her coarse. It's hardened her. I'm sorry, but I couldn't type that with a straight face. You'll have to pardon me for a few moments while I die laughing.

Hilton claims that she has "acted dumb" in the past, but it was all an act. That's funny, because I've seen what Hilton calls "acting," and she isn't nearly good enough to pull it off. And the fact that she wants us to actually believe that her public persona is "all an act" is pretty damn insulting. But you know, she's "found God" now, and with God anything is possible. Witness this quote from Hilton, given just the other day;

"I have become much more spiritual. God has given me this new chance."

Holy shit, that's funny. Let's see how long she remains "spiritual" after she gets out in a few weeks and goes back to her decadent, partying ways. She'll go right back to blowing guys on videotape, spending tons of money and responding to the paparazzi telling her how beautiful she is by arrogantly saying, "I know." Yep, sounds like a "spiritual" person to me.

I'm fucking sick of you, Paris. I'm sick of hearing about you. I'm sick of looking at your face. I'm also sick of thinking about you, so I'd better get this column wrapped up.

The sad part is that you'll never have any idea of what true hardship is. Try living MY life for a month, bitch. If they really wanted to punish you, they'd sentence you to house arrest with me. You'd be so frightened of seeing how I live that it just might scare you straight. But it probably wouldn't. I'm sure you won't learn a goddamn thing from this experience, just like you haven't learned anything else. I don't think your feeble brain has the capacity to learn.

Go to hell, Paris.

-JTL Got something to say? E-mail me HERE

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