So I'm sitting in the lunch room at work the other day, minding my own business. I had spent three bucks on my food, which is all my limited budget will allow--I am a poor man, you see, and were it not for Wendy's 99 cent value menu I'd be truly fucked. The guy sitting next to me was stuffing his face with a Big Mac and reading the sports section of the paper. Now and then, somebody would glance up at the clock, dreading the inevitable moment they'd have to return to work.

That's when it happened.

"Hey Richard," the dude next to me says, "Do you want some fries?"

Richard is one of the older guys at work, and he was sitting by himself at a separate table. "No thanks," he said, holding up a chicken leg. "I'm on the Atkins diet. Gotta watch my carbs, you know."

Me and the other guy exchanged nervous glances. We had no idea he was one of THEM.
Quickly, we both went back to what we were doing, hoping to discourage Richard from continuing the conversation. It didn't work, of course;

"I've been on this diet almost a month," he continues. "I've lost thirteen pounds, and I feel great."

"Good for you, man," I said, with every bit of fake enthusiasm I could muster. Meanwhile, the guy next to me buried his face into the newspaper--and it became clear that he was going to leave me to deal with the Atkins devotee all by myself. Fucking coward.

So, Richard went into his whole speel, just as Atkins cult members are known to do. Some of you may take issue with me using the word "cult", but hey, I call 'em like I see 'em. When people go on this program, they don't treat it like a simple diet... they become obsessed with carbs and fret over every damn thing they put in their mouths. I've even seen them doing stupid shit like checking how many carbs are in a fucking stick of gum! (I wouldn't be surprised to see women checking the carb content of their boyfriend's jizzum.) Then, they go around telling everybody how WONDERFUL Atkins is. Some of them are more annoying than born again Christians.

".... I even gave up drinking beer, too," Richard was droning on from across the room. I'll admit, this sentence piqued my interest because it hit close to home.

"Wait a second," I interrupted. "You're not even allowed to have beer??"

"No, because beer is high in carbs," he explained.

That was all I needed to hear. "Yeah, well fuck the Atkins diet. I'm not giving up beer."

"No, no," Richard insisted like the brainwashed man that he is, "It's not so bad once you get used to it. To tell you the truth, I don't even miss the carbs." But as he was saying this, he was gazing intensely at my order of fries. I didn't like the look in his eyes--there was a ravenous, murderous gleam to them. That look told me that he would gladly saw my head off with an old butter knife for a few of my fries. Needless to say, I wasn't buying his bullshit for one second.

I first heard about this whole Atkins thing a few years back. I went with my friend Marc to Burger King one day and watched in horror as he removed the buns from his double cheeseburgers.

"What the hell are you DOING?", I demanded.

"Oh, it's this new diet I'm on," he says, casually tossing aside those perfectly good, wonderfully greased-soaked buns. "I can eat meat and cheese, but no bread."

"That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life," I said. And I meant it, too.

The Atkins diet is yet another fad, and should be treated as such. But I've never seen people so devoted to a diet program as they are to this one. It's a bit scary in a way. If you say anything against it, these Atkins people act as if you're bad-mouthing one of their children. That's why I refer to it as a cult--it makes perfect sense to the people doing it, while the rest of us shake our heads in disbelief. It's kinda like the dietary version of Scientology.

You'll have to forgive me for being skeptical, but I've seen these crazes come and go. Anybody remember the Grapefruit diet? That was a huge deal for a while, and had plenty of followers. There was the Hollywood diet, also. Back in the 80's, diet pills were all the rage, too, from Dexatrim to Dream-A-Way. (Remember THAT one? That was the pill that was supposed to "melt the pounds away" as you slept. I had a friend at the time whose mother was really, really HUGE and she actually bought some of that shit. I think she gained twenty pounds.)

Guess what? Despite all of this, we're still a nation of lard asses. The reason for this is simple--if you want to get into better shape, you need to eat a sensible, balanced diet and exercise. That's all there is to it. Atkins isn't the answer... Slim Fast isn't the answer.... pills aren't the answer... surgery isn't the answer. Common sense and will power are the only two things you need.

OR.... you could follow the plan that one of my bosses used to follow. He was on a strict, ALL CARBS diet. I'm not even kidding about this. The man's diet seemed to consist solely of beer. He would go through an entire case in one day, all by himself. I never saw him eat anything,
but he was ALWAYS drinking beer. Say what you want, but I'll tell you this--that asshole was as skinny as a rail. And he was always smiling, too. Now THAT is a plan I can get behind and endorse!

Sure, the man's liver was probably shot to hell. But do you actually think Atkins would be a whole lot better? You're putting yourself at risk for all kinds of shit, like colon cancer and heart problems. I know, I know... Atkins "explains" why this supposedly won't happen. My own brother is a member of the cult, and has even tried wooing me over to the dark side with his explanations. But I'm not buying it. And you can mark my words, people, within five years (probably sooner) a definitive study will come out that will crucify the program and label it as dangerous. By that time, however, a new diet craze will have started--and with it, a brand new cult of believers.

All things considered, I'd rather be a fat ass. At least I get to eat chips and drink beer.

-JTL

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