By now, I'm sure you're all aware of the huge power outage that affected vast portions of the northeast and the midwest. The media coverage was a bit extensive, to say the least. I'd even bet the majority of you are really sick of hearing about it, especially if you were fortunate enough not to be one of the poor schmucks living smack dab in the middle of it. Yep, you were probably sitting in your nice, middle-class, air-conditioned home with your TV remote in your hand, bitching "aw man, who cares about this shit? Isn't anything else on TV???"

I can't say I blame you for that--I had similar thoughts during all the press coverage regarding California's rolling blackouts last year. What the fuck do I care about what's going on in California? You guys have the highest concentration of hot chicks found anywhere in the world, so my heart wasn't bleeding for you. Besides, it serves you all right for living in a place where winter means no snow, and low temps in the 60 degree range. In Michigan, winter means icy roads, frigid temperatures, tons of snow and road salt eating away your car from the bottom up. I'd take an occasional blackout over that shit any day of the week. But that's just me.

The thing is, every time a major catastrophe like this happens, the media gives a warped view of the event--as opposed to what's ACTUALLY happening. This time was no different. I'm sure you all saw some of it, with the mayors of New York, Detroit and Cleveland yapping away to the press about what a "fine job" all the city workers were doing. And about all the people "pulling together" to get through the crisis, creating a genuine sense of "community". Isn't that sweet? I mean, doesn't that sound so warm and fuzzy? It almost gives the impression that we all gathered together on the streets and engaged in group hugs with complete strangers.

Let me ask you--do you REALLY think that was an accurate assessment of what was going on? If so, think again, you mindless sheep. Let me tell you the real deal...

I was on the road when the blackout hit, making a beeline for the nearest 7-11. (Gotta love them cherry Slurpees!) I noticed that the traffic lights suddenly stopped working, which didn't concern me all that much until I got to 7-11... and saw that they had locked the door because the power was out. Then I got pissed off, because I'm a typical, pampered American that wants what I want... the sooner the better. I think Jello Biafra of the Dead Kennedys said it best when he said "give me convenience, or give me death." That about sums it up in a nutshell.

So I went home in a huff, only to discover that the power in my apartment was out, too. This really, really sucked, as it was 87 degrees outside and humid. Naturally, I starting bitching about not having my air conditioning or my cable TV. But I still wasn't all that concerned. I figured that it was probably just a local overload or a brownout, and that my power would be on in time to kill some of my brain cells by drinking beer and watching WWE Smackdown later on that night.

As time passed, my neighbors started wandering around the courtyard outside and chatting each other up. Mostly, they were bitching about the heat and the fact that their precious cell phones weren't working. (It's funny how neighbors only talk to each other when they have absolutely nothing better to do. Otherwise, they stay in their homes and ignore one another.) I pried my sweaty corpse from the couch to get a glass of water, clad only in a pair of boxers. I remember glancing at my gut in the mirror as I walked toward the kitchen, thinking "Christ almighty, I'm out of shape." That's when I discovered that the water was out, too.

I started to get a little nervous at this point. What the fuck was going on? No power, no water, no cell phones... this wasn't just a power outage. Something else was going on, and I was getting a bit freaked out. I went to turn on the TV by force of habit, then smacked myself upside the head for being a retard. Without my TV or internet, I felt cut off from the outside world--so I rummaged through my shit and found an old Walkman radio. Once I found out that 50 million poor assholes were in the same boat as I was, my stomach sank. It looked like I wouldn't be watching Smackdown after all.

Immediately, society began to crumple before my eyes. Just about everything was closed, including all the gas stations and grocery stores. The few that had generators were instantly swamped with people and became mob scenes. Gas stations had lines stretching two fucking miles, and people were arguing and getting into fistfights. Any bottled water or ice was snatched up instantly, with many people buying up everything they could get their hands on. Some of the shadier stores got into price gouging, with reports that cases of bottled water were going for up to $125 apiece. The freeways became like parking lots, packed with idiots trying to escape the outage and get the hell outta Dodge. I'm telling you, it was like that movie "The Trigger Effect", where society goes haywire after a nationwide blackout. Only this was real life--and there was no Elisabeth Shue to ogle and get a boner over.

Meanwhile, Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was having a press conference. He was standing behind a podium, rivulets of sweat running down his neck, saying things like;

"I'd like to thank our city workers for their quick response and excellent handling of this situation. I'd also like to thank the citizens of Detroit for remaining calm and showing the true character of
our fine city."

TRANSLATION: "Please don't riot. Please, please, PLEASE don't start rioting and make me look like a fucking moron. Please don't riot. Please...???"

His worries wouldn't have been unfounded, either. Detroiters just love to riot. They don't even need a reason. Rioting just comes naturally to them, kind of like a bodily function.
It's like:

"Hey, those white cops beat up my homie! LET'S RIOT!"

"Hey, the Tigers won the World Series! LET'S RIOT!!!"

"Hey, I'm bored. What do you guys feel like doing? I know, LET'S
RIOT!!!"

It was much the same in NYC, with everybody and their brother droning on about "the spirit of New Yorkers" and a bunch of bullshit like that. Everybody was thanking everybody else and congratulating each other--and I'm thinking to myself, "Um..... instead of standing around and stroking each other's cocks in a mutual suckfest, why don't you FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AND FIX IT?

I'm sorry, but it got really tiresome watching people pat themselves on the back when they hadn't even solved the damn problem. And I also found it curious that Canada and the US immediately started pointing the finger of blame at each other, essentially saying "Nope... not us. You guys are the ones who fucked up." Did it even matter whose fault is was at that point??? FIX THE FUCKING PROBLEM, YOU NITWITS!!!

There was a lot of talk about crisis bringing out the best in us as a people. This is the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard in my life. Crisis brings out the WORST in many of us, exposing us for the greedy, self-centered pricks that we are. We were without power for around 24 hours, yet people were acting like the world was ending. Have we become such pussies that we can't stand even the slightest inconvenience? Is a bottle of water or a gallon of gas really worth punching somebody out
over?

As for me, I stuck pretty close to home that night. It was pretty miserable trying to sleep in 90 degree heat, and warm beer isn't all that tasty. It also wasn't much fun sitting alone in my candle-lit apartment, sweating profusely and staring at the wall. But you know what? I survived--and aside from those popsicles that melted all over my freezer, I've got no complaints. Sure, I'm still just a pampered, spoiled man... but the time I spent alone in the dark got me thinking about what's REALLY important to me--my family, my friends, my health, my country.... and, of course, internet porn, microwave ovens, air conditioning and processed foods.

Let's not forget where our priorities are, people. I'm going to try not to. God bless America.

Now, where the hell did I put my TV remote?

-JTL

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