I used to be a beer snob in my younger days.

You see, beer drinking is probably the closest thing my family has to a tradition. Some families do things like going on vacations together every year... not mine. We all just drink a lot, whenever possible. All of the men in my family love beer--so do I, obviously, considering how many references I make to drinking in my column. I guess one could even make the argument that I am, in fact, an alcoholic. But that's simply not true! I'm a lush, and there's a HUGE difference between being a lush and being an alcoholic. (Just don't ask me what it is.)

It's been the same story for as long as I can remember--every weekend in the summer, my grandfather spends a pretty decent amount of time sitting on his porch swing, drinking one beer after another. Before too long, the other men in the neighborhood start to wander over and it turns into a beer-drinking jamboree. They sit around on the porch most of the day, tossing their empty cans on the lawn and ogling teenage girls that pass by, just like the dirty old men that they are. Right before dinner, grandpa then collects the empties and remarks;

"I'd better pick up these cans. We don't want people thinking that we drink around here."

This has been going on every summer since long before I was born. Ahhhh.... TRADITION!

One thing about grandpa and his friends that used to bother me was the type of beer they drank. They're staunch believers in the "quantity over quality" theory... in other words, they drink really, really lousy beer. You know, the type of beer that makes you grimace in disgust every time you take a drink. (At least until you get three or four in you.) I never understood how they could drink that bitter-tasting shit. For the longest time, they've been drinking Natural Lite--which I believe is a product of Anheuser Busch. I'm not a big fan of Busch to begin with, but Natural Lite is their "swill" beer... you know, the stuff that wasn't quite good enough to be classified as Busch. My theory on this beer is as follows--they get all of the batches that don't quite turn out correctly and dump them into a giant vat. Then, all the men in the brewery stand in a circle over the vat and take a leak into it.

Granted, this is only a theory. But it seemed pretty damn plausible every time I took a swig of that abomination they have the nerve to call beer. BLEAH!!!!!

Still, one fact remained--while I was spending twenty bucks for a case of Lebatt's or Molson, grandpa was paying less than half of that. But I was a beer snob. I wanted to actually ENJOY the taste of what I was drinking, while grandpa and his friends took the attitude that the buzz was the all-important thing. They couldn't give two shits about the taste--they just wanted to get loaded. As for me, I was living my life based on these universal truths...

CANADIAN BEER IS BETTER THAN AMERICAN BEER
While I realize saying this might be considered unpatriotic and piss some people off, let's face the facts here. Say whatever you want about Canada, but those motherfuckers know beer and they know hockey. (Two of the most important aspects of life, as far as I'm concerned.) Give me a Molson XXX over a Budweiser any old day of the fucking week.

ICE BEER IS BETTER THAN REGULAR BEER
This is really a no-brainer, isn't it? I mean, of course ice beer is better... it has more alcohol! But I know plenty of guys who won't drink ice beer, because they claim it gives them a "headache." What a bunch of pussies. If you can't handle ice beer, you should stick to those fruity, crushed ice deals with the paper umbrella that broads drink. Oh, and go wax your chest hair, you pansy.

THOU SHALT NOT DRINK ZIMA
I'm assuming they still make Zima, although for the life of me I can't figure out why. This shit is the alcoholic version of Crystal Pepsi, and any man that buys it deserves a sound beating with chains and wooden planks.

"LITE" BEER IS FOR HOMOS
I'm not implicating grandpa and his friends in this, because they buy Natural Lite STRICTLY because of its cheap price--not because of the fact that it's "lite." Again, this sounds like a chick thing to me. It's the beer equivalent of drinking a Diet Pepsi, and no self-respecting man
should drink that shit. If you're that worried about a few extra calories, hit the fucking gym.
But I should point out that real men look upon their beer gut as a badge of honor. I know I do.

BOTTLES ARE ALWAYS BETTER THAN CANS
Any seasoned beer drinker will tell you this. Beer just tastes better coming from a glass container as opposed to an aluminum can. Maybe there's some scientific reason for this... I'm not sure. But I'm far too lazy to find out. I've noticed recently that some manufacturers are starting to use PLASTIC containers, too. There are no words to describe just how wrong this is. The next thing you know, they'll start putting beer into cardboard cartons, like they do with milk. Hopefully, I'll be dead before that happens.

Getting back to the point... Until just over a year ago, I was living a relatively decent lifestyle.
I wasn't rich or anything, but I had a fair amount of disposable income and was happily drinking Molson Ice and buying DVDs whenever the mood struck me. Then, one day, I lost my job.

It's amazing how quickly your life can change. One day I was freely spending money, not at all worried about my bills. The next day, I was scrounging around under my sofa cushions looking for loose change. For the first time in a long time, I had to stop buying beer for a while. This was quite an adjustment to make for a lush like me, and not one that I took on willingly. To quote Ozzy Osbourne, "sobriety fucking sucks."

Before too long, I found another job--but I had fallen behind in my bills, so money was tight. This is when I first discovered that cheap beer was, in fact, a viable option for me if I wanted continue my boozing ways. It came down to a simple case of economics--a six-pack of Molson Ice runs about six dollars, not including deposit. A 40 ounce bottle of cheap beer is just under two dollars... so you do the math. I could get two 40's (which is the equivalent of a six-pack, plus four extra ounces) for much cheaper than what I was used to paying. Thus began my reluctant love affair with Milwaukee's Best ICE.

I'm not sure if the title "Milwaukee's Best" is meant in jest, or if it's actually supposed to be serious. I've never been to Milwaukee, but I'm fairly certain they could do better than this. Sometimes, these babies don't go down all that smoothly. Although I must admit that as time has passed, I've grown strangely fond of this swill and still buy it to this day, even though I don't have to. I guess it's kind of like coffee... you just need to develop a taste for it. Besides, it has an alcohol content of 5.9%, which isn't too shabby. Nope, not too shabby at all.

Much like grandpa, I've slowly come around to the "quantity over quality" way of thinking and realized that he had the right idea all along. The buzz really IS the most important thing.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to collect my empty bottles from the floor. I don't want people thinking we drink around here....

-JTL

JEREMY THE LONER'S MAILBAG

It seems that my "Run For The Border" column riled a few people up. I never realized how many disgruntled fast food employees there were out there. I'll spare you some of the things they admitted to having done to food that unsuspecting customers ate--one thing's for sure, though. I won't be running for the border again anytime soon. And I'll be steering clear of McDonald's and Burger King, too.

Take my advice, people.... treat food service employees nicely. VERY nicely. Asshole customers have turned some of them into truly twisted individuals and trust me, they WILL get their revenge if you fuck with them. I'll never look at a milkshake the same way again....

One e-mail came in from a guy who calls himself "Eric O" and I think he made a few valid points. I'm not going to post the whole thing, because it's pretty long... but here are some highlights;

"I had a job just 4 yrs. ago where I was doing roof repair. My boss had to be one of the biggest racist asshole rednecks I have ever met. First off everybody's name was "Louie", because he had trouble remembering anyone's name by 9 A.M. (about the time the first 12 pack was gone) then he'd start talking his B.S. racist crap about how anyone not white was inferior and couldn't do the same work as a white man and BLAH BLAH BLAH....(mind you my girlfriend at the time was Jamaican).

Well the point of this was every time we had to eat fast food from the drive-thru, this so called elevated, intelligent, WHITE MAN would sit there and harass the people thru a speaker (not even to their faces) and then sit back, eat the food he ordered, and talk some more shit about how "those" people can't get any other work because they're too stupid for the white mans world BLAH BLAH BLAH again, ultimately ending my desire to eat from this establishment ever again......well if any of you rednecks out there read this (if you can) realize this YOU are the morons, and if YOU don't wise up and think right, YOU will be the ones getting infected with all of "those people's" germs. So why not just respect everybody that is doing some menial task that you feel is beneath you....or you can use some common fucking sense and realize what Jeremy is saying is so true.....people are ALL equally entitled to resects....

I now have a job working as an electrical engineer....I make very good money now and I still respect ALL people, even the newspaper people that spend all day baking in the sun for you lazy fat ass bastards so you don't have too stop and go into the 7-11 and see how the rest of the world looks....money does not make you more of a man (or woman) but it can give you a voice that seems to be more valid and credible in our society. Don't forget what you used to feel like working those shitty jobs in high school, and use that voice for something meaningful. Cause it can all go back to that shit in the blink of an eye."

Can't argue with anything that you wrote, especially that last point. Thanks for the e-mail, Eric. And may all of your burritos be free of saliva, my good man.

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