A little flashback for you all, going back to 1998...

Once upon a time, life was a lot better for Jeremy the Loner. Back in the late 90's, I thought everything was on the up and up. Hell, things were looking pretty damn good. I was going to school in those days, under the mistaken impression that I actually had a future. I had a REALLY cute girlfriend, too, who was much too sweet and vulnerable to realize that she was WAY out of my league. I even had my own hip, "way gnarly" local cable TV show, which I co-hosted with one of my fellow columnists here on Dean's Planet. We were on for two seasons and managed to piss off half the state of Michigan--some of them from the actual show itself, and some of them from our website on Geoshitties. (A website that was still on the internet until pretty recently, despite the fact that we hadn't updated it since 1999.)

Looking back now, it seems like a relatively happy point in my life. But you know, it's funny how you remember things being a lot better than they actually were. The other day, I found some of my old columns from that period in my life and was surprised to learn that I was every bit as angry and bitter back then as I am today... maybe even more so.

Consider the following--what you're about to read is a rant I wrote back in '98 that was never posted to the website. It's about Hallie Eisenberg, child star extraordinaire who just turned 12-years-old earlier this year. Remember her? She was that little girl who used to star in those sublimely irritating Pepsi commercials. Coincidentally, this is also the very first submission I ever sent to Dean for consideration as a writer here on the Planet, two years ago this month. It was never meant to be posted here, but what the hell... these are my ROOTS, man. Besides, I'm too lazy to write something new at the moment.

So, if you'd like yet another reason why I'll be going to hell someday, please read on...

THE PEPSI GIRL
I'm sure I'm not alone in my ever-increasing hatred for the latest Pepsi ad campaign. As if the M.C. Hammer ads of the early 90's weren't bad enough, now we have to put up with some ITTY BITTY WIDDLE GIRL who's just TOO PRECIOUS FOR WORDS. Isn't that just so CUTE? Doesn't it make you feel all warm and fuzzy? Doesn't it make you want to go and HURT INNOCENT PEOPLE with rusty implements of death?

I remember when the first commercial came out--the concept could have been considered novel, an adorable moppet of a girl lip-synching threats in Joe Pesci's voice when she didn't get a Pepsi. Har har har.

Get it? Cute kid+Tough Guy Voice=Funny

It was almost a clever idea, and was most certainly designed to appeal to your average, moronic, American consumer. The very first time I saw it, I damn near smiled. Not quite--but pretty damn near. After all, I do have an IQ over 80... I'm not the target audience of modern advertisers.

The second time I saw the girl in a Pepsi ad, I frowned slightly at the television. One time is one thing, two times is pushing it. Then they made another. And another. AND ANOTHER. My slight annoyance slowly became outright hostility--and it got even worse! How bad? Let me put it this way:

These days, I have horribly violent thoughts about sending this child to join Jon Benet Ramsey in that big playground in the sky. You see what those corporate bastards have done to me? They've turned me homicidal, and I almost never feel that way--unless, of course, I get stuck driving behind some old lady on a two lane street.

Look, I understand that it's not all the kid's fault. She's probably getting paid good money to appear in these dumb ads, and Lord knows I'd whore myself out, too, if the price was right. But you have to wonder--what the hell is Pepsi thinking? Don't they realize the backlash they're setting themselves up for?

The American public is pretty stupid and easily manipulated. That's the good news for the folks at Pepsi... the bad news is, they also have minuscule attention spans. The commercials may be popular now, but people are going to turn on them pretty soon. Count on it. It'll be pretty fucking ugly, too. Look at what happened to the Bee Gees! How about the Macarena? "Where's the Beef?" THE DUNKIN DONUTS GUY???

"Time to make the donuts?" FUCK THE DONUTS.

You know, my brother was so INCENSED with the Sprite commercials from the early 90's featuring Kriss Kross that he stopped drinking Sprite for YEARS. Can't say I blame him.

I guess I could be more compassionate. This little girl's life is going to turn out very grim--I mean, wait until she starts to hit puberty. Her antics won't be nearly as cute when she's sporting braces and a case of acne. In fact, I'm going to give you a glimpse of the Pepsi girl's sad future. Please stop reading if you don't like to hear the truth.

PREDICTIONS FOR THE PEPSI GIRL'S FUTURE
12 years old:
Little Pepsi girl realizes that her childhood is wasting away and that she has no friends. Her parents start going through a messy divorce and start fighting over custody of her, wrongly believing she might still have a future. Little Pepsi girl discovers the joys of alcohol.

14 years old:
Wey-HEY! Marijuana! She also stars in a UPN sitcom, which is the only one on the entire network to have a cast of white actors. It fails even more miserably than "The Paula Poundstone Show."

16 years old:
Little Pepsi girl gets knocked up by the kid from "The Sixth Sense." Afraid to tell her mom (or agent), she gets her first abortion. The tabloids find out and go apeshit! Desperate for money, she appears on "Hollywood Squares," Meanwhile, the boy goes on to date Cher.

17 years old:
"Why won't my agent call me back?"

18 years old:
The start of a very prolific porn career. Trying to capitalize on her former glory, she takes the stage name "Peppy C." (Which is just different enough from the trademark "Pepsi" name to avoid legal troubles.) Her porn gimmick involves looking directly into the camera after the guy blows a load and squeaking "I like this job!" (Of course, it doesn't sound quite the same with her gravely, cigarette-ravaged voice.)

19 years old:
Uh-oh... heroin. She once again becomes fodder for the tabloids, along
with her drug dealers--the Olsen Twins.

23 years old:
A tragic overdose. The epitaph on the tombstone?
"I'll catch you on the flipside." Two years later, the E! True Hollywood Story about her life debuts--it's very tastefully done.

Tragic, isn't it?
It almost made me feel sorry for her--until I happened across the new Pepsi ad with the little girl beating Jeff Gordon's racecar on her bicycle. I got so pissed off that I almost had a stroke.

And I found myself having a strong craving for a nice, cold Coke....

-JTL

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