In case you weren't aware, writing a column for Dean's Planet takes a lot of work and preparation. Well, maybe that's a slight exaggeration. It actually takes about an hour. And, uh, I don't prepare. But there are a few things I need to write a column--namely a six-pack of beer and a bad day at work. Give me those two things and I have all the ammo I need to fire off a bitchy missive, just like the internet loser that I am.

With that said, allow me to share a story with you. (Not a very interesting one, but what the fuck, my life is boring and pointless.) A few months ago, I was having a few cold ones and writing--just like I am now. I was working on a column about old school video game systems when a seemingly great idea came to me in my drunken stupor. (This should have been my first clue--how many drunken "great ideas" still seem great the next day??) I had recently finished my first celebrity interview (with Louise Robey) for the website. I thought the interview turned out okay. A little ass-kissey maybe, but okay. It DID, however, prompt a few e-mails from Dean's Planet readers like this one:

Who in the hell cares about Louise Robey? Do you think that any of your readers do? I betcha that 99.9% of your readers don't know her and dont give a flying crap about her. Use good material or wait until you get some.

Well hey, fuck that guy. I'm sure that Dean and Doc would be the first to tell you, nabbing a celebrity interview isn't as easy as you might think. (Even those people that stretch the definition of "celebrity".) We can give them some exposure, but we sure as hell can't pay them. Hell, I can hardly pay my rent! Besides, not every celebrity wants to associate themselves with a website whose primary readership is horny 20-something guys looking for the latest "Britney in a thong" papparazzi pic. (And you guys know who you are! God bless ya!!) I mean, we aren't like Barbara Walters over here--so you can't expect us to nab Tom Cruise or Julia Roberts or whoever else the brainless masses idolize. We're working on the fringe here, folks.

Anyway, while I was working on the video game column I got caught up in the nostalgia--beer does that to me--and I decided that my next interview should be with none other than entertainment icons Buckner and Garcia. That's right, Buckner and Garcia! Isn't that exciting? (I'll pause for a few moments now, so everybody reading this column can ponder the question "who in the FUCK are Buckner and Garcia??"

No, they aren't gay porn stars--it just sounds that way. But since most of you probably have no idea who I'm talking about, allow me to give you a little back story...

In late 1981, Pac-Man was everywhere. It started out as a simple video game, but its influence on pop culture can't be denied. There were Pac-Man toys, Pac-Man stickers, Pac-Man books, t-shirts, handheld games, trading cards and even Pac-Man cereal (which tasted kind of like Kix cereal with Lucky Charms marshmallows thrown in the mix.) Pac-Man even made the cover of Time magazine within the year, a feat which no other video game character had ever achieved.

Right around this same time, two obscure songwriters by the names of Jerry Buckner and Gary Garcia see the Pac-Man craze happening and decide to try and cash in. Pac-Man was already a heavily merchandised entity--but nobody had written a song about it. So, that's just what the two guys did. This concept was nothing new... novelty songs had been a staple of radio since the 60's, when songs like "They're Coming To Take Me Away" and "Woolly Bully" made minor splashes on the charts. Video games were still pretty new, however, so nobody had even thought to write a song about them.

Working together, Jerry and Gary wrote a song called "Pac-Man Fever" in about an hour--which, if you've ever heard it, sounds about right. Consider some of the lyrics:

I got a pocket full of quarters
And I'm headed to the arcade
I don't have a lot of money,
But I'm bringing everything I made

I got a callous on my finger
And my shoulder's hurting too
I'm gonna eat 'em all up
Just as soon as they turn blue

CHORUS:

'Cause I got Pac-Man Fever
(Pac-Man Fever)
It's driving me crazy
(driving me crazy)
I got Pac-Man Fever
(Pac-Man Fever)
I'm going out of my mind"

Okay, so they aren't the greatest lyrics in the world. But hey, we're not taking about Lennon and McCartney here. Besides, they're singing a song about a dot-eating, ghost avoiding video game character... how great can the lyrics possibly be?

The song is catchy, though, and after shopping "Pac-Man Fever" around to various labels, they finally were able to record it in Atlanta and release it as a single. When a DJ started playing the song on the radio, requests poured in--and Buckner and Garcia were about to start living their fifteen minutes of fame. Fourteen.... thirteen...

The popularity of "Pac-Man Fever" caught the attention of CBS Records, who were smart enough to recognize the smell of money in the air. They went on to sign Buckner and Garcia to a record deal--with a few stipulations, of course. Number one, it had to be an entire album of video game themed songs. Number two, it needed to be finished in thirty days.

My brother's friend Earl was the first guy I knew that got the album. (That's right, I said "album", for those of you old enough to remember. If you don't remember albums, well, fuck you for making me feel old.) I remember him bringing it over to show us one day, and we were awestruck. The album cover was a screen shot of the Pac-Man game, which seemed really cool to us at the time. Also, the album jacket had a whole bunch of "cheat sheet" Pac-Man patterns printed on it, which basically taught you how to be a Pac-Man MASTER. My brother memorized all the patterns and was soon one of those annoying kids able to tie up a Pac-Man machine for hours on end, using only one quarter.

As for the rest of the album, the songs were goofy, campy and oh, so 80's.... filled with pop rhythms and video game sound effects galore, this album is anything but forgettable.

"DO THE DONKEY KONG"
My favorite track as a child, I could sing along with every lyric. And I often did, much to the annoyance of the guys on my softball team.

"FROGGY'S LAMENT"
Based on the game "Frogger", this song deals with the trials and tribulations one must face when you're an animated frog who's trying to get home to his lilly pad after a hard day.

Go, froggy, go!
You gotta keep on hoppin' until you
Get to the top!
Go, froggy, go!
You gotta keep on hoppin'
You can never stop!

I really dig this song for Gary Garcia's ultra cool, singing frog voice ("PLUCK YOUR MAGIC TWANGER, FROGGY!!!"). This song also changed my life in the sense that I felt bad the next time I ran over a frog with my car.

"DEFENDER"
This was a badass game, even though I personally sucked at it. It was just your basic "shoot 'em up" outer space type game in which you shot UFOs from your spaceship. Great sound effects on this game, too, which were used heavily in the song. The lyrics were even a bit "high concept", at least by Buckner and Garcia standards:

"I'll defend this day to the end I'm the captain of a ship and its men!"

I loved that shit.

"GOING BERZERK"
This is probably the most insane song on the whole album. If you remember the game "Berzerk", it was a simple maze game where you shot at robots that were trying to kill you. This song incorporates the robot element, but also turns into a love song, too! (?)

I think I'm going berzerk
I think I'm losing my mind
I'm getting lost in the shuffle
It happens every time

I think I'm going berzerk
Would you like to come, too?
I can't stop now, I'm addicted
I'm berzerk over you

Christ, man, isn't that some tripped out shit? What the hell were these guys smoking?

There are other songs, too, but I can't remember those as well. (Too much beer drinking will do that to you.) The "Pac-Man Fever" album goes on to have respectable sales, with the debut single making it all the way to the top ten of the Billboard charts. Buckner and Garcia make
memorable appearances on shows like "Solid Gold" and "American Bandstand", but it's clear their fame will be fleeting. For one thing, there was no "Pac-Man Fever" video-- which is strange, because MTV had just debuted earlier that year and videos were all the rage. But these guys weren't exactly "MTV friendly", either. They both had faces much better suited for radio. Aside from that, they looked like complete dorks.

But you know something? These men were heros of mine for a very brief period of my childhood. And after I gave their album another listen, I was feeling nostalgic and wanted to do an interview with them. So, I visited their website and wrote them a drunken e-mail requesting interview information.

The next morning, I got an e-mail from Jerry Buckner himself:

Hi Jeremy:
We do not charge for media interviews. This was to be a special program for the public concerning songwriting and record production. We would happy to give you an interview at no cost. What website would this interview be for?
Buckner & Garcia

Here's where the problems start....
Yes, these guys seemed eager to get some exposure. And why the hell not? They had recently released a CD version of the "Pac-Man Fever" album and they'd obviously like to sell a few copies. And here I come, a representative of a popular website that's interested in talking to
them. Notice how nice they are to me when they don't know who I am--hell, they even referred to me as "media". That's gotta be a first.

I sent back the relative information and started doing research for the interview--which is easier said than done. Have you ever tried to locate info on Buckner and Garcia? Of course you haven't... you probably have a life. But let me assure you, there's not much to find out there. These guys both passed into the realm of "has-been" more than twenty years ago, so the pickings were pretty slim.

Several weeks went by with no answer. So, I sent along another e-mail to remind them--and to make sure they weren't dissing me. This time, the response was:

Jeremy:
No dissing going on here. My mother has been ill and I have been consumed with
that. Give me a little time and I promise to get back to you.
Jerry Buckner

There was more than one way to take this. Maybe the guy's mother really was sick. (She might have read some of my columns.) Maybe he was trying to blow me off because he didn't want to be interviewed by someone named "Jeremy The Loner", who talks about wanting to bang the Little Mermaid and the mom from "Leave It To Beaver." Maybe he's under the mistaken impression that he's "too good" to align himself with Dean's Planet, even though we get more traffic in a day than his dumb site gets in an entire year. Who knows? Either way, the writing was on the wall.

I waited another six weeks or so and tried one last e-mail. This time, they responded with:

Dear Jeremy:
re:Interview with Buckner & Garcia
Unfortunately due to their conflicting schedules and personal commitments they must respectfully decline your request.
Sincerely,
Sid Greenburg Buckner & Garcia Productions

I like how this one was signed Sid Greenburg of "Buckner & Garcia Productions". Ooooh, doesn't that sound IMPORTANT??? What a powerhouse operation that must be--Sony Music had better watch their backs!! It should also be noted that "Sid Greenburg" e-mailed me from the exact same AOL address as Jerry Buckner! So, you tell me--did Jerry Buckner just make the name up? I don't think he did. I think Jerry is probably staying at Sid's house, crashing on his couch until "things start picking up." HA HA HA HA!!!

And how about the "conflicting schedules and personal commitments" bullshit excuse they gave when they blew me off? Yeah, right--one of them probably has a paper route and the other works as a greeter at Wal-Mart. I'm sure their bosses would have understood if they needed to call in. After all, they found time for VH-1 and their "One Hit Wonders" specials--which no doubt marked the first time anybody called them since about 1985.

I shouldn't be taking this personally, but I seriously think these guys are idiots. Whether they like Dean's Planet or not, it would have been in their best interest to do an interview with us. We are, after all, the very target audience they should be looking to contact. Aside from that, I was actually a fan of theirs in a nostalgic, ironic kind of way.

The projects they've come up with over the years haven't exactly set the world on fire. every time a new fad comes around, Buckner & Garcia record a new novelty song in a feeble attempt at cashing in on the latest craze. But their little ditties "Pokemon Fever", "Pog Wild" and "Mr. T" haven't gone anywhere near as far as "Pac-Man Fever" did back in 1981. And now, instead of encouraging my readers to check out their website and buy their CD, I'm encouraging you all to just download the damn thing and burn it. These guys seem to take themselves just a little too seriously, considering their only claim to fame is a twenty year old pop tune about an outdated video game. To hell with 'em.

The moral of the story? There really isn't any, to tell you the truth. But the next time you see Doc or Dean posting their latest interview, I hope you'll appreciate the effort it takes to get one finished. As for me, my interviewing days are probably over.... just like Buckner and Garcia's careers.

-JTL

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