Like many of you, I've spent quite a bit of time watching TV these past two weeks. You have to admit--war makes for pretty decent TV viewing! That's not to downplay the seriousness of the situation, but God help me, I've been entertained by this whole thing. I've even cut back on my porn intake.

But like most Americans, I have a miniscule attention span. Because of this, I've been spending less time watching the war--which is easy to do, since the news this past week has been the same old shit every day. Turn on your TV right now... sure as shit the headline will say REUTERS: EXPLOSIONS ROCK BAGHDAD. Come on, let's get on with it! It's time to stop screwing around and take these fuckers out once and for all. Screw what the rest of the world thinks--they can't stand us, anyway.

In the meantime, I'll get back to doing what I do best--bitching about things. Here's what's pissing me off this week...

"FREEDOM FRIES"? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. Allies or not, the U.S.A. and France have always hated one another other. We hate them for being pasty-skinned, snivelling, beret-wearing, snail-eating pansies. They hate us because their economy depends on us--which makes their recent actions more than just a little bit stupid. (Almost as stupid as being Hitler's bitch during WWII.)

We all know what France did, and I'm not going to rehash it here. The question is, how shall we punish them for their misdeeds? Cram the Statue of Liberty of their collective asses? Quell our French Maid fantasies?

A little greasy spoon diner in North Carolina decided to take a stand by removing french fries from their menu and renaming them "freedom fries". When the media picked up the story, people began flocking in from all over the place to order "freedom" fries--which leaves me to assume a few things. First off, these people either have no jobs or WAY too much free time. Secondly, I'm guessing their attitude was "that'll show 'em". Yessiree, we'll teach those French bastards a lesson.

Even our own Congress jumped on the bandwagon, actually wasting our tax dollars by debating this matter. Rep. Bob Ney of Ohio ordered that the word "french" be stricken from cafeterias in the House of Representatives in what he called a "symbolic gesture". It's gotten so out of hand that even Air Force One is now serving "freedom" toast. Here's a lesson for ya, kids... most of our elected officials are completely fucking worthless.

There's a few things I feel compelled to mention here:

Whether you call them "freedom" fries or "french" fries, IT'S THE EXACT SAME FUCKING PRODUCT. Why would you drive hundreds of miles for fries when there's a McDonald's on every corner? It's no wonder people in other countries think we're idiots.

This will in no way hurt France, especially seeing as how the potatoes used in our fries COME FROM IDAHO.

The food product we call "french fries" actually ORIGINATED IN BELGIUM. Is it really any wonder that France doesn't seem all that concerned about this whole thing? Let's reverse this--if France got pissed at us and decided to rename American cheese as "failed diplomacy"
cheese, would you give a shit? I wouldn't. I have more important things to worry about. I mean, what's next? "Freedom" kissing? "Freedom" dressing? "Freedom" manicures???

Look, if you want to fuck with France, it's really easy to do. For one thing, don't buy imported French products. Let all the Evian and champaign bottles collect dust on the store shelves. Better still, STOP VISITING THERE. They rely heavily on American tourism to boost their economy, so go some place else for your stupid honeymoon. I know people who have visited France and they all talk about how rudely they were treated by the locals." Well, screw them. I can just look at pictures of the Eiffel Tower--I don't need to actually go there. Besides, the women have a rather lax attitude about shaving their pits... so you gotta think those snatches are just OUT OF CONTROL, kinda like a whole nation of Paula Cole clones. (*shudder*)

Personally, I'd much rather visit the U.K. Not just because they're our allies, either. I love the Brits and thank them for their wonderful exports, most notably the Beatles and Kate Winslet's tits. Besides, Tony Blair could whip Chirac's wimpy ass any day of the week.

Money talks, so if you want to send a message, hit them in their pocketbooks. They'll come crawling back in no time with their berets held out, ready to kiss our fat, well-fed American asses.

Until then, gimmie some fries...hold the freedom, but go heavy on the salt.