DIANA ROSS, MOTOWN LEGEND AND LUSH
Although still a breaking story at the end of 2002, I still had to laugh with glee upon finding out that "Miss Ross" (the name by which her sycophants are forced to address her) was stopped for driving drunk in Arizona. Diana had been hitting the bottle hard all year long in 2002--perhaps in attempt to help her forget about how badly she sucks.

Ahh, but such behavior is tolerated when you're a "diva" (read: "glorified karaoke singer") such as Miss Ross, so she'll likely receive little more than a slap on the wrist for her careless binge. Still, the thought of cops slapping the cuffs on this arrogant, drunken bitch certainly brings a smile to my face. This is even better than the time in '99 when she was supposedly groped by security at the airport and made a huge deal about how somebody "touched" her shriveled funbags.

They say that alcoholics drink to escape reality--and given that disastrous "pseudo-Supremes" tour and the current state of her career, I'm sure Miss Ross will entertain us all with new hijinks in the coming year.

ROSIE O' DONNELL, PUBLISHING TYCOON
In a stunning announcement earlier this year, Rosie announced that she was leaving her post at "Rosie" magazine over "creative differences" in the direction of the magazine. I say that it was a "stunning" announcement for two reasons... number one, I had no idea she even HAD a magazine. Number two, I was shocked and dismayed at the fact that anyone would actually be stupid enough to buy the fucking thing in the first place.

And was does the all-purpose excuse "creative differences" mean, anyway? Was the dyke quotient not substantial enough? Either way, good riddance. I hope somebody chucks a koosh ball directly at her pumpkin head.

EDDIE MURPHY'S CAREER GOES DIRECTLY DOWN THE SHITTER

What a depressing coda to a once promising career. It's been a long time since Eddie's name equalled box-office gold, but hell, you can only make so many sequels to "Beverly Hills Cop." What happened to this guy? Aside from the original "Nutty Professor" a few years back, Murphy now seems content to churn out shit that makes "The Golden Child" look like "Citizen Kane".

Kinda makes you wanna go out and pick up a transvestite hooker, don't it Eddie??

MARIAH CAREY: MOVIE STAR AND TRASHY PIECE OF ASS
This should have served as a major warning to all of Hollywood--singers, for the most part, are NOT good actors and shouldn't attempt to carry a fucking film. Particularly singers with giant hooters who are in the middle of a nervous breakdown.

But Hollywood didn't heed this warning and as a result, "Glitter" happened. Far from being the savior to reverse Mariah's career woes, this little piece of celluloid made a perplexed audience of former fans wonder why they even liked this jiggly bim in the first place.

My stomach sank as I caught this dud on cable recently... I kept thinking to myself "somebody actually thought this train-wreck of a movie was a good idea." I didn't know whether I should be scared, angry, depressed, or all three. I finally decided on the latter. There's thousands upon thousands of talented writers in the world trying to get theIr screenplays made--and they gave the green light to this STEAMING
PILE OF SHIT.

After watching the first hour or so of the movie, it dawned on me that Mariah wasn't going to grace us with a shot of her bare tits... and as such, I immediately changed the channel.
Why the hell did I even turn it on to begin with????

FORMER POP STAR TIFFANY POSES FOR PLAYBOY
Okay, I'll admit it--I'd been waiting a long time for this, and the very thought of seeing this chick naked conjured up memories of my horny adolescence in which I used to watch her videos with a fierce, sexual hunger in my eyes. As far as I was concerned, Debbie Gibson could go fuck herself. Tiffany was WAY hotter and had a luscious rack to boot. (Sure, Debbie was the more talented of the two and even wrote her own songs, but such things didn't matter to a thirteen year old boy's
libido.)

But upon finally seeing the layout, it became abundantly clear that it isn't 1987 anymore. Not that Tiffany looked bad, it just seemed anti-climatic after all these years. And what was she expecting the pictorial to do for her, anyway? Make us all rush out and buy her new CD? Fat chance. I never bought the first one back in the 80's, and I'm sure as hell not going to start now.

Sorry, Tiffany, but it wasn't much of a career move. Thanks for finally letting me see those tits, though... and you know what, maybe it's better that I had to wait. Had a similar pictorial been released when I was thirteen, I'd probably still be locked in my old bedroom to this very day.

MARTHA STEWART--GREED AIN'T SO GOOD AFTER ALL

But Martha did a really fucking stupid thing when she decided to engage in a little harmless insider trading. C'mon, what's the big deal? All she did was dump a bunch of stock based on illegal information she received. I mean, is that a crime or something? You bet your sweet ass it is, and the feds were practically salivating at the thought of
nailing this broad's ass to the wall.

Not only that, but it's a well known fact that Martha stepped on plenty of toes in her climb to to the top--now those same disgruntled people are just waiting for a chance to spill everything they know about her. Even her lawyers are bailing on her.

Personally, I like Martha. She kind of turns me on in a bizarre way--I dig a woman that can go from kicking the shit out of me to baking a really mean peach cobbler in the same day. Pretty sexy for a sixty year old... See you in the big house, babe. Wear your whites.

YET ANOTHER BOX OFFICE BOMB FOR MADONNA
Basically, everything I said about "Glitter" applies here... but this is even worse, because Guy Ritchie (Madonna's lap dog/husband) is considered by many to be a decent filmmaker. Why he agreed to make "Swept Away", one of the biggest bombs of the year, is beyond me. But hey, men will do strange things for a piece of ass, even making a film that really, really sucks.

MICHAEL JACKSON DANGLES A BABY FROM A FOURTH STORY BALCONY

Jackson had really been busy this last year--first there was that whole "the music industry is racist" kick he went on with Al Sharpton. Maybe the industry IS biased against blacks, Michael. I'm not sure. But either way, it shouldn't upset you. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN BLACK SINCE AROUND 1995.

More recently, Jackson made headlines by dangling a curiously Aryan-looking infant from the balcony of his hotel while clueless fans cheered him on. Just think of the book deals those kids will get someday. I can just see it now... "GROWING UP WITH WACKO JACKO", by Prince
Jackson.

I'll tell you what, that's a book I'm looking forward to reading.

DEAN'S PLANET COLUMNIST JEREMY THE LONER WAITS UNTIL CHRISTMAS EVE TO DO HIS HOLIDAY SHOPPING... AND AT THE GODDAMN MALL, NO LESS
Well, hey, sometimes I'm a fucking idiot, too. 'Nuff said.

TRENT LOTT MAKES AN ASSHOLE OUT OF HIMSELF
Without a doubt, this has got to be the dumbest thing I've seen all year. Lott used to be the senate majority leader, but a few casually racist remarks at senator Strom Thurmond's 100th birthday party changed all that.

You tell me what's more alarming--the fact that Lott was dumb enough to suggest that the country should have voted Strom as president back in the late 40's (despite Thurmond's pro-segregation stance) or the fact that Strom is STILL IN CONGRESS, making decisions that are affecting all of our lives?? I don't have anything against Thurmond, but Christ, the guy is a century old. I wouldn't let him drive a car, much less help run the country. That fucker is so old, I'll bet he'd crumple into dust if you punched him. But I digress...

What the hell was Lott thinking?? Here we are at a crucial point in our nation's history--Bush and his republican cronies want to annihilate Saddam's ass, the democrats don't. And you know damn well the democrats were just waiting in the wings for something like this to happen--for a republican to fuck up and make the whole party (and in turn, the president), look like a bunch of fucking bozos. And Lott served it up to them on a tray. Nice job, moron.

Hmmm... was that ten? If not, close enough. Time for a little hair of the dog, if you get what I'm saying....