For quite a few years, I walked uneasily on that fine line which separates a "fan" from a "geek".
It's a line I've been very careful not to cross, because once you do, there's no going back. Geeks come from all walks of life and are often linked with such things as Star Trek, The X-Files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Simpsons, Seinfeld and The Matrix movies. I don't think I need to explain what "geek" means, at least not in this context. If you're planning on attending the next Matrix movie dressed in full costume as Neo, you, my friend, are a fucking GEEK. Likewise, if you're already in line waiting for tickets to go on sale for the May, 2005 release of the next Star Wars movie, guess what? You're a geek--and you have no business being in the gene pool.

I bring up Star Wars because that's where my flirtation with geekdom stems from. Fucking George Lucas... that man has more of my money than I'd be comfortable admitting to. I must have purchased the original trilogy on video at least five times, not to mention all the toys, video games and other shit. And, of course, when he finally gets around to releasing the original films on DVD, I'll be shelling out even more bucks for those. I'm not sure what's worse--the fact that Lucas is a money whore who has no shame whatsoever, or the fact that I ALWAYS take the bait, every single time....

When the release date for Episode 1: The Phantom Menace was announced in 1999, I couldn't have been happier. Maybe not "geek" happy, but pretty close. Geeks were doing things like paying full price at the theatre for a movie they had no interest in seeing--simply because that movie was preceded by the theatrical trailer for The Phantom Menace. Once the trailer was over, they'd just leave. I was NOT one of those people. In fact, I wanted to beat the shit out of those people.

But I was still on the fence between fan and geek, which led me to do some questionable things. I started visiting Star Wars websites and I even posted some shit on Star Wars usenet groups. In the back on my mind, I knew my fandom was starting to border on pathetic. But I was a kid when the first three films came out, and I absolutely loved them. The Empire Strikes Back is, to this day, one of my favorite movies and I was hoping The Phantom Menace would be an experience not unlike that.

On opening night, I was ready. I had secured tickets for the 8:00pm show in one of the best theatres in the state. Instead of taking a date, I took my brother. (Most chicks I know never really "got" the whole Star Wars thing, especially the younger ones. Besides, my brother was willing to drive.) When the show finally started, I settled back into my chair, ready to reclaim a lost part of my childhood.

That's when things went wrong. Really, REALLY wrong. Less than twenty minutes into the movie, we were both shifting restlessly in our seats. Soon after that, we were checking our watches. And before all was said and done, I could swear I saw my brother nodding off. Maybe we had become too cynical and too jaded for own good. I don't know. But I did know this was NOT the same Star Wars we grew up loving.

"That fucking sucked", my brother groused as we left the theatre. "I couldn't wait for it to end." I didn't have too much to say, as the overwhelming disappointment pounded my childlike enthusiasm right into the ground. When I got home that night, I went directly on the Star Wars newsgroup and posted the following missive;

"The concept of 'the force' is too vague... we'd better explain it. I don't want to frighten people."
Yeah, George, that's a great idea... let's take away all of the mysterious and vaguely spiritual aspects of "the force" and make it into something that's found in your blood. Like a virus or something. What the FUCK is that all about?? In the film, we learn that Anakin has a freakishly high midichlorian (or some shit like that) count in his blood, which accounts for his talent with the force. Well, hey, does that mean the force is contagious? Like if I got a blood transfusion from Anakin, does this mean I'd "catch" the force, too? Great job, George.

"No, no! We need MORE CG, or the audience might start noticing the actors!"
Lucas has always been big on saying that the Star Wars films are about human frailties and emotions, and NOT about special effects. He even went so far as to say "A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing." Well, somebody should have explained to George that a turd is a turd, no matter how pretty the effects look. Every single scene in the film is crawling with CG effects, to the point where they became distracting after a while. Has Lucas forgotten that classic scene in the first Star Wars film, with Like Skywalker gazing longingly to the twin suns setting over the Tatooine horizon while John William's classic score swelled magnificently in the background? Shit, I'm starting to sound like a geek again. I'd better move on...

"This scene is pretty good... how can I have Jar Jar fuck it up?"
I know, I know.... it's a little too easy to bash Jar Jar. But there's a reason this character is hated by casual fans and geeks alike--he just plain sucks. For one thing, the character design blew. The big, floppy ears and toothy smile really got on my nerves. And what the fuck was up with that high-pitched Jamaican accent? Every time Jar Jar bounced on the screen through the magic of shitty CG technology, I wanted to punch somebody in the face. It just goes to show you how out of touch Lucas was with his fan base--he took he most anoying character ever created and made him one of the focal points of the whole movie.

In all fairness, I did enjoy Attack Of The Clones and I am planning on seeing the next one, too.
But I can safely say that I'm no longer treading on geek territory--and you won't see me buying any toys, either. Lucas has more than enough of my money already... uh, at least until he releases DVDs of the original trilogy. You know, so I can buy them.... AGAIN.

-JTL

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